beingk

2007-12-06T21:20:00.000+01:00

Jobbing

2007-12-06T21:12:00.001+01:00

Jobbing sounds less daunting than looking for a job - which is officially what I am doing, the first application letter has been written, but not sent. Even people who like to keep me optimistic agree that it is not a great time to be trying to look for an academic job, so, even though I have another 9 months left before I officially become jobless, I am not as hopeful as I was a year ago. But who knows, they may suddenly realize that rather than wanting someone highly qualified with 10 JPSP publications and masses of teaching experience they want me! Who knows (hmm, well it would have helped if the person offering me the job had not told me they did not want someone in my area..).
Otherwise life chugs on, next week I give my first talk in Dutch. Got slighty jittery when I tried to make it today (partly because I started imaginging all the regression questions people might ask and that I could not answer).
Luckily I have plenty of motivation to distract myself from these thoughts, I am spending a lot of time running circles in the Vondelpark in the dark (in case you are reading M, it is not dangerous, I run in a 'jogger jam'). It can actually be quite exciting, like when I can't see whether the thing approaching me is a jogger, bike or dog, which has implications for how to avoid crashing. So far all gone well, but I try to run during the day as much as possible (not that it seems much lighter then, what a grey time of year!).
Time for a healthy orange, it's almost weekend. This time next week will be the evening before my talk, urghh.

working

2007-11-15T21:43:00.000+01:00

It's been a while. I am back from the States, and feeling quite good. The prospect of coming back was daunting, a lot worse than actually spending a day back at work and realizing there are people who miss you and seem to like you. And then the teaching began and since then it's just been so busy that I've had no time to think - not unfortunately either about my paper with J, which I am less happy about. Can really lie awake and feel nervous. Today I had a really amazing day, just gave a big kick. We had an introductory day for new grad students of the KLI and we (I am part of the teaching commmittee) had restructured this day. So exciting to see whether they like it. Also, I had to give a talk (with two others) about what it is like to be a last year grad student. And it was fun, I enjoyed preparing it, and I enjoyed giving it! I am not sure whether people found it useful information (some said they did) but it certainly felt good to be able to try and help people be aware of what it will be like to be a grad student (and give the message that in many ways it gets easier). In general I certainly think everyone enjoyed the whole day, they had fun working in groups. It makes one feel pleased to be part of the organization, to organize something people enjoy and learn from. I was happy!
Tomorrow (officially free day), I finally get round to my paper (if I don't get stuck on regressions again...). And, because it is kind of my free day, I will go for a run. I've signed myself up for a half marathon, which I did to challenge myself, and it feels like a challenge too. It's only (or already!!) in February, and I need to speed myself up and run longer distances before attempting it. I also have this nagging feeling I should perhaps practice running with other people beforehand too. Right now I nearly kill myself in the park when someone overtakes me, I can't resist trying to keep up with them. I may have my tongue hanging down to my shoes, I cannot let people pass. And I guess when you run such a marathon you have to be able to accept that people will overtake you - AND that you may HAVE TO let them go. We'll see!

Here I am

2007-10-22T03:03:00.001+02:00

I'm back, finally, looked forward so long and now I am on my working holiday. Sipping my second glass of wine this week (=week started on Monday!) and thinking about life (mainly mine). It has been great to see everyone again, got so much warmer a welcome than I had expected, they organized an evening in Hartford for me and a lot of people were there. And B (dog) recognized me, and L was pleased to see me. And now I am juggling my strong desire to work (it's like a virus, it's all I want to do) with being sociable. L wants to see a lot of me, and I do to, but it means waking up before her at the weekend (=7.30) to get enough work done before she gets up, and I do the same once she goes to bed in the evenings. I have this really strong drive to get as much as possible done here so I can finish my dissertation quickly. Ok, I'm getting boring again. I'm actually pretty tired after getting up early (yes, indeed, to work) and then going for a long hike, not used to all those hills.
Yesterday we made a stone wall, was quite fun, L needed to finish one off in her garden. Then we went on walk to lake, actually to have a go in J's kayak but he just left as we came walking down - L tried waving to him but someone asked us directions just as she wanted to do that - so no kayaking for us. I probably go Tuesday morning. Just, I'm supposed to work then. Great being flexible in your work but not when you don't have the flexibility to carry on in the evenings, or to work weekends. We'll see, I'm not sure I can resist kayaking across Coventry lake with the beautiful autumn foliage, especially given that you can't see the lake from the road, it's built up.
I wish I could stay here a bit longer....

Back again

2007-09-14T22:25:00.000+02:00

Why do people write weblogs? Why not just write in your diary, or send a newsletter e-mail to all your friends, like people (not me) used to do. I used to write a diary, now I write my weblog, an edited version of what I would write in my diary. Does it give one an aim in one's writing? Do I like the thought that people might read this? It's not that I communicate about my weblog, I'm not even sure anyone reads it anymore, and still I write. Somehow I guess it's exciting sharing your thoughts with people you don't know, not being sure who is reading this. I read a blog of a colleague I hardly know today, and I regretted not knowing her well, she sounds fun.Don't worry, Í don't have that illusion, my writing ain't that great, it's deteriorated since I got back, and actually perhaps I am more me now, because no one reads this, I can just be boring me - don't have to make it a fun read, can just say what I think (which has got more boring since I am back too). So, good news, I am going back! Yup, that's true, but only for 3 weeks. I'll see the doggy (see this log), see L (perhaps J, they have split, sniff..), see J (supervisor) and go for cross country runs. I am excited. B and I are in Chicago first, I look forward to spending time there too!!!
And otherwise: OK, so I was going to be honest now no one reads this log. Life is weird at the moment, it goes in different directions. This time next year I will not be a grad student anymore (hooray), but where will I be? We have a house now, I am 32, it's time to settle, but I don't feel settled. I love our life here and at the same time I'd like to work outside this country. My time in the States showed me how much fun work can be, I'd like to experience that again - but perhaps I can do that in this country too? Don't know, sleepy. Bed....

to be pulled down (Spijtellaantje)

2007-08-31T19:37:00.000+02:00

2007-08-31T19:33:00.000+02:00

Slopen

2007-08-31T19:01:00.000+02:00

Slopen is the Dutch word for pulling down houses, a very familiar word, too familiar. It happened to the station in Utrecht, and once regrets it nowadays. It happened a lot in the 70's and 80's, but it is also happening to Bernards old house. And, it has happened to a beautiful old house here in Amsterdam, an old farm, referred to as 'Villa ten Spijttel' , specifically named as a part of an area of historic importance. I thought it was being renovated, then I bike by on Tuesday evening, and all that is left is the front of the house, the rest is gone. It is part of an old street with old "arbeiderswoningen" (houses for working people, small but very pretty), all these arbeiderswoningen are going to be pulled down as well to make place for 3 "2-onder-eenkap-woningen". I called the people who give permission for these kinds of things and he said "well if it is not a monument then this can happen". I said "how can this happen, it is a special part of town". He said "Well, if it is replaced by housing it is not a problem to pull down houses". What an attitude, a Dutch attitude (sorry Dutch people, but you do not appreciate the cultural value of old houses, otherwise this would not be possible). So, he said the the house that has already been pulled down was a monument. To not bore you, I am now going to the town archives at 9am on my free day to see how they could do this, and to find out how they can pull down these pretty little houses. It really hurts, I find this so terrible.

Thursday, July 12th

2007-07-12T21:39:00.000+02:00

I am confused. How can work have such a strong influence on one's life? Why do I have to suffer from this work-mania when I have so many other things I enjoy? And why does having a bad time at work have to influence them. I would like to play singles tournaments, but given how I am feeling at the moment (not great), I know there is no point in doing that - and when it boils down to filling in the participation form I realize I don't even want to. I can even get up in the morning and feel happy - and then read my work e-mail and spend half the day feeling very unhappy.
OK, enough complaining. I have just had a really nice weekend in Germany with cousin G. I had announced that if I came for 3 days I needed to exercise. SO I was booked in for the personal trainer first morning at 9 am. I had to make clear that that was not quite what I meant, exercise: yes, early in the morning: no. We went for a 2 hour nordic walking 'walk' at 10.30. It's complicated, it made me feeling like I used to in my dancing classes: stupid and uncoordinated. I am uncoordinated, I just can't move hands in one direction and legs in the other while also concentrating on sticks. Once the personal trainer gave up on me (or I understood what to do?) it went fine. Afternoon was spent spending a lot of money, always very pleasing when it results in more clothes. Next morning G went for 5 km walk, and I for 10 km run. Afternoon spent buying clogs for K while actually trying to find blue shoes for G. Sunday we went for a 13 km walk. Have not called G yet to see whether she ever wants me back to visit :-)) But luckily she is coming back to Amsterdam in September for a Wir sind Helden concert!!! Very excited, was birthday present for B and G, B and I really like the band (at least I hope G does).
Tomorrow different type of concert, in the concert gebouw with a friend. Look forward. Before that nice day of analyzing data, so nothing to complain about workwise (I hope..).
Tja, hmm, boring life, no more to say...

2007-06-29T22:39:00.000+02:00

This week I went to my first "kraamvisite" ever, meaning I went to one of my best friends houses and looked at her first baby, a little boy called Jonne. So sweet, I was allowed to hold him, he looked at me a little and made some odd face movements and hiccuped and spat out his milk. I could have taken him home with me! And the day after I got the sms that another baby was born, this time Anne, baby girl of Juliane and John. So we are really growing up, buying houses and having children.
Not much news otherwise, our red couch arrived, and we found it a little bulky. It took so much getting used to that I fell on top of Bernard while trying to get onto it as he was trying to eat his soup, that was nearly first marks on our couch, oh no. This weekend I play a friend tournament, with yes, well guessed, a good friend. Sandra and I are joining in at my tennis club. We have never played together, looking forward, just hope the weather gets better, it is really horrible! And next week I go visit Gaby in Frankfurt. Leave on Thursday and stay until Monday. Can't wait, I know we will have a great time. Probably get really drunk one evening, but luckily have enough time for some hangover free shopping and perhaps a nice country hike or jog. I look forward.
This evening my mother came by, and finally reached our house after a long detour. Was a nice evening, just the three of us, B, her and I. Father had a cooking course instead.

2007-06-08T22:13:00.000+02:00

One can question whether it is such a good idea to log onto the computer at 10 pm when you are trying to have an early night - and this was not a log on to do my blog but to keep up to date with people asking for questionnaires. I have put questionnaires on internet, thanks to IRB Doug who has sat on my IRB proposal so long that the CT participant pool had closed before I could even attempt to print some questionnaires to hand out (after 4 months). Anyway, this internet business is scary. I use a system that saves data for me, so I feel quite a loss of control because i don;t quite understand the system yet - it has raised my blood pressure a number of times today, feel like I have just run half a mile everytime I've looked at the thing. The helpdesk is great: "no we have never had this problem, thank you for reporting it, we will keep an eye on it" or "you must be doing something wrong, this should not happen". "Oh, thanks, that is very useful!"
Have our housewarming tomorrow and I still have not managed to reach my mother to ask her what to prepare in the way of food. Someone asked how/where we are going to fit 40 people. In the living room thinks me, our living room is enormous. A little more thought and I realize our living room seems enormous because a. I have never had my own before b. it is so empty. But ehrm, indeed perhaps it cannot fit that many people. We will solve that tomorrow... Our house is proving very expensive, we always feel so sorry for the people who have to deliver to us on the third floor (e.g., the grocery man this week: 4 crates of beer, 12 bottles of wine, 21 bottles of soft drinks etc.) that we give them big tips - they thank us with an exhausted and sweaty grin!
Attempt to go to bed?

2007-06-03T22:29:00.000+02:00

We made it. Did not go down a class!! Not thanks to me, but anyway.

2007-05-31T22:04:00.000+02:00

Still sitting on our old couch in our empty living room trying to think of something interesting to write (that does not concern tennis). It has been a very hectic and sad week but I do not feel like writing about that. Also got my first rejection for an article, but somehow that did not affect me that much, probably mainly because I really was expecting it and would have been surprised if it had been accepted (and here is everybody saying I am too pessimistic about my research). What pleased me was that the reviewers all did like the idea behind the study - which was truly mine! Still battling on with the next article which I want to get out before the summer, although I fear that may not work. But N (supervisor here) is really keeping the speed up, I hand in stuff every week (and although I prefer to be more independent, this helps, and I am not having to write stuff I do not agree with so it's fine).
Tennis wise (yes, very brief), we have our last competition day on Sunday and it is going to be very exciting (read stressful...). We have to do quite well otherwise we go down a class. Now we play against the last placed in the pool, but then we are second last so you never know (and you never know what K will do either...). I feel nervous even thinking about it, very promising for the singles I have to play. Ok, enough tennis.
I have plans to go back to Connecticut in the autumn, and the thought of that already cheers me up so much it makes it worth all the money. Now I just hope I can go, may need to run another experiment in the autumn, I hope I don't have to in those 3 weeks. Have already sent L an e-mail asking whether I can stay with her. Can't wait to see the doggies. And would be great to work with J again, perhaps we can think of some more ideas.
Enough, and time for bed. Have to hand in introduction again tomorrow...

2007-05-19T18:41:00.000+02:00

I sit out on our roof terrace and watch an old lady with a crutch water her plants. She has a small plastic children's cart in the middle of her garden with some plants in it. That's about all that is going on up here. I am feeling sad today because I had looked forward to yesterday evening so much and for such a long time that i am really disappointed it is over. Yesterday my aunt and uncle from Germany and my parents came for dinner. Aunt and uncle had never seen our house before so that was very exciting. And they liked it, so nice to see, because of course we love it and want other people to see that indeed we have a beautiful house. And it was just a very nice evening. Being with family makes me so happy, I think it actually makes us all happy because we know one another so well, and we understand each other. So whoever says what, it does not really matter because you know you care for another and can count on each other. After about 27 years of going to Wengen together I think I can say that. What we, being Bernard and I, do not know well is how much everyone eats. A lot we thought, probably true, but not as much as we had bought... We are going to be eating cheeses, fruitsalads, salads and champignons for some days to come. Luckily I had not miscalulated on the wine, in some ways I do know my family well :-)))
Otherwise things are going ok. Ok, rather than very well, because of work. It frustrates me, and at times makes me unhappy, and I just want to finish my dissertation and move on. My time in the States luckily did show me that I can enjoy my work. It helps to think I can go back, even if going back for longer (which career wise I would love) may not be an option. Unfortunately L and J do not seem to be together anymore, but I would love to see her again. So I have planned a trip in the autumn, and I can't wait!
Time to go down and finish up some of the food, poor B is waiting with the cheese - and I'd better get there before it is gone!

2007-05-05T18:18:00.000+02:00

It's been awhile again. Less to talk about since I am back in Amsterdam. In fact I sit here and wonder what to write. Today I bought curtains, yesterday I worked, life is very exciting. We have had wonderful weather recently so basically I spend most of my time (when not at work) on the tennis courts and on our roof terrace. One does wonder why my parents spent so much money on my tennis training (luckily it was a cheap club, I think/hope. My tennis team knows that with me they will have long tennis days. I lose the first set because I am nervous, then don't want to lose so win the second and then get nervous again in the 3d. In the meantime my teammates finish more than one match, and then wait for me. One day I was so exhausted after 2 three-set matches that I could not even lift my arm to serve in the last match. Bit embarrassing, the ball went in all sorts of directions, but not in the service part of the court. We lost that one... This year I am less nervous, I am just playing badly instead. And if my work is making me unhappy I play even worse, and then tell myself I am no good at anything. Yes, this is a hobby! And I am hoping to excel on the courts once I have finished my dissertation and become a housewife.
Oh, and next week we get our kitchen, which we find very exciting. Given that so far everything (and truly everything) has been a list of going wrongs with the kitchen company we are not banking on getting the kitchen we ordered in one go (but one can hope...). It is going to be a beautiful vanilla white and I can't wait to get cooking in it. My aunt and uncle (+ parents) come for a celebratory birthday dinner the week after so I am hoping to have gathered all the parts by then (at least we already have the fridge). They are planning on carting the kitchen up to our floor by lift - I told them we have a tree in front of the house, perhaps they think they can saw it down?
I'll put a foto on once we have it!

2007-04-18T22:04:00.000+02:00

April 18th
In a few days I turn 32. Weird, feels very old and I feel tired. One day of tennis competition on Sunday and I feel exhausted on Monday. I don't remember feeling like that 10 years ago, or was it because I could spend the morning in bed recovering and the afternoon listening to a relaxing lecture rather than having to hammer away at a keyboard in the hope of making an impossible deadline?
My tennis nerves have got better in so far that I can now analyze that although I am nervous I do seem to be enjoying my tennis match - and that hopefully, please, if I relax, my forehand may come back to me at some point in the match???? B does not understand that one can be so fanatic to get so nervous. I hate playing so badly in matches when I play so well when I practice, that makes me nervous... OK, the reasoning may be somewhat circular but try telling my forehand that. Anyways, I did win my singles, we'll not mention the mix I played six sunny hours later.
Tomorrow for the first time in my life I receive someone to help clean our house. Scares me a little but probably not as much as her, I have seldomly met someone so shy. She also speaks very little Dutch, so it is going to be an interesting experience. We'll see.
Time for bed, have to get back to my article early tomorow.

Moved!

2007-04-01T18:55:00.000+02:00

So, last weekend we finally moved house, in a very Dutch way, pulling up our furniture, including washing machine, with a rope. B and I each had rented a bus too. We were finished within 4 hours and then all sat in the sun on our roof terrace and had drinks. It was a great first celebration of our house, someone had even brought champagne. Did not feel too great the next day, unfortunately. Since then we have spent most of our free time unpacking boxes, and in B's case, putting up IKEA cupboards. I have waged war with a number of people, the carpet people for not cutting well and putting glue on our walls, the kitchen delivery people for not ordering our fridge on time and the IKEA for making us pay delivery costs twice when it was their fault we had to have 2 deliveries. I am now so tired of complaining, I don't even complain anymore when I should. In fact, I am feeling very tired in general, on Saturday I woke up in a mess of boxes to be unpacked and thought "I have to get out". Not good for the boxes, but good for me. I went shopping with a bad conscience because B was at home working on the house (which he is still doing as I write). He can't just sit still and do nothing. But the house is lovely, and will be even more so once it is not such a terrible mess!

So sweet...

2007-01-26T21:12:00.000+01:00

Friday, January 26th

2007-01-26T20:46:00.000+01:00

Rushed home today having looked at wooden floors (+ ordered one!) to call J. Woke up this night and thought/hoped there might be bigger time difference in Memphis (were I was supposed to call him). Looked it up, no, shame. So I call but get a somewhat sleepy Jack on the phone; there was a time difference.... I called an hour earlier than arranged, felt so bad. I guess I served as the wake up call for him (he said he was awake but don't believe it) + roommate (made myself very popular there I am sure), we agreed I'd call in another half hour, at which point I managed to catch him in the bathroom, and was lucky enough to also talk to the roommate. After he had also made some dinner arrangements and got a cup of coffee I finally managed to discuss the IRB. We finished an hour later, I hope I can declare some of the phone costs at work... Then spent the next 3 hours working on the proposal I thought was finished. Have sent it off now to be handed in by someone at uconn.I find it difficult to talk to him, because I miss him when I do. I got a loud laugh at my control condition, he suggested if I needed a manipulation with someone who uses a knife I might be better off using a chef than a knife thrower. So I end up laughing about my research rather than worrying about manipulations.
Our house looks lovely still. We rented a greenwheels car to go to a shop that sells wooden floors. There we picked up 2 enormous planks of wood, oak, one misty white/grey, the other more yellowy/brown. Lugged them up to the third floor and put them in the living room. I liked them both, B had a strong preference for misty white (and I did too in the end), so misty white we ordered (before rushing home). We also introduced ourselves to our downstairs neighbours (who had been glued to the window staring at us when we last looked at the house from the outside). I think they appreciated that. They have lived there for 40 years, are very 'amsterdam'', and very talkative, but very nice. They wont become our best friends but I think we will get on well, and they keep an eye on things (and spend the entire summer in a caravan, so we can have our noisy rowdy parties then).
Well, that's about it for today, still suffering from work frustration, told B I might be manically depressive in my work - have days that I think things are going well (i.e. yesterday), next day I think what I am doing is terrible, and get completely stuck (at which point I get stressed because I want to work as fast as I did in the States and finish my dissertation asap). Right now feeling fairly satisfied that IRB is off (with slight worry I put mistake into it). Luckily we can get ourselves out of bed early again tomorrow morning for the necessary distraction: having purchased kitchen and wooden floor we now move onto the carpets.

Thursday, January 25th

2007-01-26T09:58:00.000+01:00

Buying a house and trying to speed up your dissertation is tiring, and slightly stressful I find. I want to work quickly, but my progress is so slow. I am trying to figure out a good introduction for a set of studies that are difficult to fit into a theoretical introduction (and obviously the idea should have been to have a theoretical idea and then test it with some studies - we had one idea which was theoretically based, but somehow it does not quite fit the theoretical base well enough to make an entire introduction). And not having a key to your future house but wanting to buy kitchens, carpets and wooden floors is difficult when you need to let in people for measurements. We could have the key of the house were we not sticking to our principles. We were promised the key of the house before actual sale, but not told that we would have to pay a considerable amount of money a month to have it. So we said no. And now I regret it. The selling estate agent has been thinking about our no for a week so we can't do a thing until we hear from him.
Oh, and interacting with J has been a little difficult too. I finally ended up calling him because I am still waiting to put a study which was supposed to start running next week through the ethical committee. I called him and he said he would do it (and I could call him if I heard no more from him within 2 days), then I heard no more within 2 days so called him again, he said we should schedule a phone conversation, which we have done for tomorrow afternoon 3pm. That was about the time B and I were supposed to go and take wooden planks to our house to see how they look. So now poor B has to leave work earlier to do that before my phone conversation. He is being nice about it (said he would have done the same, I could have said no, but then I would have slowed the progress ? down even more). I just hope J is sitting behind his phone at 3pm tomorrow! And I fear there is some bad news coming, otherwise he would have finished the protocol and handed it in rather than asking me to call, I think. We'll see, I feel confident that he will not leave me in a fix whatever the problem may be. Tomorrow I have to concentrate on how to teach my bachelor students on Tuesday. People tell me it is possible to guide students into a direction of research. Trouble is, I have never done that before, I am not sure I know how to.
OK, so now I've put down all the worries. But I still love the house, it is a happy time too, just looking forward to living together. Or sitting in a kitchen shop with someone spending hours drawing a kitchen for you, including pots and pans onto the gas ring. Very sweet, but if you have already spent 5 hours looking at kitchens, and were hoping to go home, you wonder about the necessity of such details. And I look at B and have to grin, he has an entirely straight face but I know he is thinking exactly the same as I am "you don't have to colour in every part of this kitchen, we get the idea". I sat there next to him grinning.
Time for my couch!

Thursday, January 18th

2007-01-18T20:43:00.000+01:00

Amazing storm we are having here in the netherlands. I got blown to the university, and then the blowing continued to such an extent that they have stopped all trains and advise people not to go out. I was very lucky to have a meeting in Amsterdam, otherwise I would now be stranded in Leiden. Now the people from Groningen can't get home so I am expecting a few guests this evening. And tomorrow I think I may have to stay home, they already warned us on the news that the trains would take some time to recover.
Otherwise things are ok, my talk went quite well. Got an e-mail from one of my supervisors praising me, that pleased me. And the other one said on Tuesday that it might be necessary for me to go back and see J, which pleased me a lot too. So it's been quite a good workweek. I am quite proud that I managed to find a story line to fit my data on my own. I learned a lot more in the States than I realized at the time, it has also made me more self confident. J never answered any of my questions, and made it clear to me that I generally go in the right direction. That seems to have helped.
This weekend we have parents coming to look at our house. Unfortunately it probably will only be the outside we can look at, the real estate agent is being difficult about giving us the key ahead of time, despite an oral agreement to do so. Very annoying! And I had so looked forward to showing the house!!
Well, time to go look for some sheets and bedding...

Wednesday, January 17th

2007-01-17T14:32:00.000+01:00

Day off, but not really. I don't find working on my American research stressful or unpleasant or even worrying (except when I pressed the run button to see whether my manipulations were working as they should) so don't mind doing that on a Wednesday. I have an odd relationship with my free Wednesday since I got back. I like having it off, but want to finish my dissertation soon, and having worked so much in the States I feel like I am doing so little work here - I mean I am already taking off the weekends, and now also a day in the middle of the week...
Other activities seem to include harrassing people, the real estate agent to get us the key of the house before coming Friday, the bachelor coordinator to let me know whether I have a group of students to supervise, J to get back to me on my proposal so it can go to the IRB. Harrassment has only got me a group of studens, which I am not sure I wanted to have, I think I could have opted out of supervision but was not sure I wanted that either. Yup, guess it is one of those indecision days, can't decide whether to go running either. Not only is it raining but my ankle is hurting a little (and it did before it started raining already). Perhaps running 30 kilometers a week is too much?

Friday, January 12th + OUR HOUSE

2007-01-12T10:17:00.000+01:00

Life is starting to feel a little more normal again, even if still engage in research bashing. Somehow my time in the States has shown me where I could have gone, and what I did wrong in my dissertation. But as I am nearing the end rather than the beginning, it's something I am going to have to live with - and suffer through, I have now spent almost the entire week trying to design a structure for my paper, and the talk I am giving on Tuesday.
Luckily the house provides good distraction, I love it. We went and measured the rooms on Wednesday, and if things go well we get the key next week (although we are officially not owners yet, there is a legal procedure we are still going through to separate the house into appartments) - yes, just wait until I have children (if), this weblog will become even more fascinating to read... And by the way, we live on the third and topmost floor.
I am avoiding my talk again, time to stop.

Monday, January 8th

2007-01-09T14:16:00.000+01:00

Back in the netherlands. Landed at Schiphol 3 weeks ago, feeling very sad, and very happy to see B again. Amsterdam was grey and uninviting, the people who did not help me with my suitcases in the tram (until I nearly fell on top of them, then they held up their hands to stop me falling) very un-American. I wanted to take B back on a return flight to Coventry. And I so wanted to see the house, but felt so tired and depressed and weird that I dropped into bed for 1.5 hours and then felt up to it. The house (my German family feels I should call it a flat, but it feels like a house to me), is wonderful, truly great. So light, feels very cosy, lovely staircase, great living room, 3 rooms that are a little less nice, and then 2 more upstairs + bathroom (nice, fashionable) and the roof terrace. I really feel like living there – if only someone else would pull down the wall (or not?) and put down the wooden floor…We hope to move in in March.
This is my 6th day in Amsterdam, after 4 days I left for Switzerland. I did not feel like going, wanted to spend just a little more time in Amsterdam getting used to my normal life again and see my friends (whom I could not see the first few days due to box unpacking and mortgage business). Luckily my family was in Switzerland. Got there and went out with my cousin and got fairly drunk – having a great time in the bar, bar empty, we were just asking the bar man why he was not playing the nice music anymore, he explained he was trying to close up. Then my cousin’s phone rings, it is my mother wondering whether I am OK because I have not come home yet... I turned pinkish red and explain to my cousin and the barman, both greatly enjoying the situation, that this had not happened to me since I was a teenager (not even then I don’t think). We get the rest of my drink in a plastic cup (I regretted finishing it off the next day) and made our way outside, to collapse laughing in the middle of the village street. I made my way home, and imagine the greater embarrassment of having a little topple in the bathroom and mother knocking on door and asking whether I was ok, she had heard such a horrible clonk. I finally ended up in bed, and discovered a bit of a bump on my head the next morning. The rest of the holiday was great, less alcohol (for some reason did not feel like it..), lots of fun and talking to family. The laughed at my Connecticut fotos, having expected fotos of New York Boston, Coventry etc., not as my cousin put it “350 dog fotos and 50 fotos of hikes and surroundings”. I think they are great.
Today first day back at work. J has been sending me such kind e-mails that I would much have preferred driving my car to Storrs to see him today. As I step off the train, very early, given my New Years resolution to finish my dissertation within less than 1.5 years, I meet my roommate. She did not look that pleased to see me, turns out she and other roommate had agreed to be there early to hang up party decorations for me… Awfully sweet, I felt very welcome. All other colleagues were very sweet and welcoming, was great to see them again, and really nice to have lunch with people again, as opposed to lunch on my own behind the computer. My supervisor did not quite register I was back, but the other reactions really helped. And, on my desk was a book I had asked J to sign for me. He wrote such nice complimentary things to me that I had to reread it 4 times in the course of the day + take it home to show to B. Really made my day, felt very proud. Otherwise did not get round to much, had lots of cups of tea, talking to people, opening post, organizing CT papers etc. Nice first day back, but also scary, I hope I can keep on enjoying my work as much as I did in Connecticut, even with my old (and not very well loved) studies and without J’s supervision.

Wednesday, December 13th

2006-12-14T03:55:00.000+01:00

Finally went for a run today, and felt a lot happier. Spent the morning trying to decide on mortgages, poor B going nuts with these two mortgage advisors, writing an IRB (not finished), and getting e-mails from people in Leiden about J. being there (which made me wonder whether i should have gone back on time for this conference). By the time I was driving through the woods to the university (in the rain) and has spent an hour in the Starbucks saying good-bye to one of the grad students, I had no regrets anymore. I am glad I have this extra week, even if it is hectic and I can't profit from some end of term extra supervision. Cleared out my office today, that is one place I know I definitely will NOT miss. Someone said to me today how great they found it that I had actually created a life here, with a lot of people I know and do stuff with, and that he could imagine I felt sad leaving. I thought that was nice, and I do feel very sad. And L looks so sad, I have stopped looking at her when I mention leaving. She is not only dropping me off at the airport, she is also dropping off her second doggy, whom she loves to bits that day. In the evening she even drops of B at J and L's house (=supervisor + wife) because she is going on a brief holiday with her J. So a lot of good-byes for her in one day. I have no idea when I say good-bye to supervisor J, he murmured something about coming by to give him some spss thing on Sunday, so I guess I'll see him then. Makes planning the weekend a little difficult, I do want to say good-bye. But I should no plan the weekend anyway because I need to spend it sitting on my suitcases compressing the content into something that will close. 300 X 13 pages of questionnaires + whole pile of new articles i had to print + 10 new books + 2 pairs of new shoes (and then a few new clothes but we wont mention them...). L is offering me boxes, I may need them...

Tuesday, December 12th

2006-12-13T03:30:00.000+01:00

Stupid K thought she was buying herself a picture frame to put pictures in. Having taken some ugly brown paper off the back, K discovered she had bought herself a picture frame with a peach picture in it which was firmly attached and sealed off with brown paper on the back.
Having taken off the back I guess I can't return it (but will try). I was going to get ahead of schedule by making nice collage for J (L's boyfriend) already this evening. now I have to figure out where to get a proper picture frame - and that will have to be at the weekend. What started as a peaceful week has turned out stressful (how could I take the weekend off??). Trying to learn about mortgages, spending mornings on the phone about them, realizing that letting someone else run 2 of your studies + finding research assistants to help her is quite some work, discovering mistakes in medialab study when looking at it with her, realizing you have not yet programmed one part of your experiment, needing to clear out a room and design an entire experiment was well as handing it in to the IRB + hand in amendments of an old study to the IRB because you decided to run a few men as well as women and probably a few more things I have suppressed right now - that is more than I had banked on early this week. I have my good-bye party this Friday and felt I should help with the preparations. Today I offered to make a start by getting wine tomorrow evening - hopefully that will make up for at least one hour less of helping, I was only going to work on Friday morning but I feel like a need about 3 Fridays to get all this stuff finished. If I don't I'll have to work when I get home which I do not want to have to do.
Yesterday I took my RAs to lunch, was really nice. They are fun, and we had a nice lunch. When I asked for feedback about supervision they were so positive, that was really nice, felt much better about my teaching skills afterwards. One of them said it had really touched him that I had made the effort to come and look at a poster he was giving (I went to a undergrad poster session with Tamar, the one I wrote about). So, I felt happy about that. But then J was so nice about something that was potentially quite problematic that I felt so sad about leaving I had to retreat very quickly from his room. Luckily he has left for Europe now and does not have much opportunity to be nice to me anymore. I nearly cried hugging Bailey too this morning so I wonder what state I will be in when I leave next week Monday... L looked like she would cry too when I told her how late my plane leaves. Leaving is so sad, even if going home is exciting (if someone would just give me a crash course in mortgages and then tell me why we are chosing the right one, so much money involved, and so little knowledge on my part - I feel I should acquire more otherwise I may have regrets, but how?)
I'm off to bed, need to catch up on some sleep and work very hard tomorrow (if I can, may spend morning discussing mortgages).

Sunday, December 10th

2006-12-11T02:29:00.000+01:00

8 more days and then I leave, I am sad. The weekends and weeks get busier as the end of my trip approaches. Friday we celebrated T's birthday party with all the grad students. It was fun. I was one of the first to leave (at 12pm), but given I was the oldest there I feel I am allowed to lack the stamina of all these youthful people. I also had to have some energy left to spend most of the day cooking and cleaning. Amazed me how long it took, all i did the entire day was cook, clean, go for a 1 hour run and lie on bed 45 minutes recovering. It was curry D-day, having a thank-you and good-bye dinner for those who have been a big help and support in my time here, my supervisor J and wife L and the person who rented me the room L and her boyfriend J (and yes I did get confused and mix up names yesterday evening). I was rather nervous about cooking curry for them - as my mother can certify in the form of a number of "help, how many potatoes", help how high should the oven be and suchlike e-mails. But it worked, and it was a success. I even survived my rice overcooking and L picking it up and saying "K, you've let the rice overcook AGAIN", as they all stood around me having their drinks.. And drinks they did have because my dinner would not reheat in the oven, I was getting a little frantic there... But most importantly it was harmonious and not the slightest bit uncomfortable. I had a great evening and I think they did too. So I was happy and pleased with myself when I woke up this morning. I was also very weary, so L and I went for a nice day long hike - and now I feel even wearier. I wait to go to bed.
Our house is coming along, we signed a temporary sales agreement, now we have to figure out a mortgage. With my knowledge and understanding of mortgages, being at a distance is not good (well maye it is , but does not promote understanding). I have trouble even with the basic mortgage terms, and I blame that on my lack of any economics classes at school. But blaming does not help when you're talking about a lot of money so I have B explain it to me again, and I try to look at internet sites. And we talk about the changes that need to be made in the house (few, phew!). And about trying to get the key to the house the day I come back - exciting and scary.
So I want to come home and I really don't. And I think the really don't will become want to once I see my sweetie with a big sleepy grin waiting for me at Schiphol, and we then go to look at our house.

2006-12-08T03:44:00.000+01:00

Thursday, December 7th

2006-12-08T03:19:00.000+01:00

I have developed this talent for turning brick red in this country. It has been a slow development but I have fully mastered it the past few weeks. Luckily I know exactly when it is coming, so I can fully enjoy the experience. It's great, what do you want more than to turn red and blotchy when you are trying to be unconcerned and professional - such as when meeting a new student you would like to work for you. Even better, my talent manifests itself all the stronger the more people are around. Today there were 4 students + J watching, hooray, let's all enjoy this.
I have also started the "lasts", tonight was the last time I went to the bar, tomorrow is the last time I go out with all the grad students and the last time I have a content meeting with J. On Saturday is my goodbye and thank-you dinner for L and J and L and J (person renting me house + boyfriend and supervisor + wife). I feel tired even just thinking about it, how am I to survive all the lasts when I have also had so many firsts this week. First time buying a house, first time thinking about mortgages, first time having an enormous repair price for my car (which I thought I'd have to pay) . I'd love a day off with nothing to think about or figure out. Instead I will be up early to prepare the meeting I may have with J if he has time. Perhaps I should just cancel it and take it easy tomorrow, that would please him as much as me probably. Only thing is I am stuck, and I don't want to leave connecticut without some kind of concluding meeting.
Otherwise not much happening, got a whole set of silly jokes from someone who should know better today, that kept me busy. Then had to rush to the university because I made a complete mess of the credit assignment for participants who took part yesterday - and they fail if they don't get enough credits, but I was not sure which of 4 women had actually turned up for my study. Very pleased with myself I was, here I am telling my RAs off when they do things like this and I run one study and make a complete mess of it (I also ran out of questionnaires for men, so had to give someone one for women and tell him to read every 'woman' word as 'man'. Luckily I don't need the men anyway so it did not matter. But I again had 8 men and only 2 women, bit of a waste of time that is.
You know, I am really looking forward to getting home again, and then going off to Wengen!

Sinterklaas

2006-12-06T02:49:00.000+01:00

So life comes with its ups and downs and today started up and ended a little down. My first phone call in my stats class was the RA needing help (and she would not have if she did not always forget pieces of paper or signup sheets...). The second was the car firm but I did not take that one. I had a foreboding, I had taken the car in because the check engine light i had mended last week started burning again. THe good news is I don;t have to pay for that because it was their fault. THe bad news is I had told them there was a clonk under the car (has been since I started driving it) that might be the cause of the problem. The clonk was not the cause of the problem, but the clonk is caused by a problem, something with the suspension. NOt dangerous, just 750 dollars to spend. I am not willing to spend that kind of money on a car I just sold yesterday. But I cannot sell it without mentioning the clonk - I mean I could potentially but I wont. So then I thought myself and future buyer could split the costs. Now that seemed fair until L and J informed me I could have sold my car for 2000 dollars more than I am doing, they looked it up on internet. They suggest I tell this person I am selling it cheaply and say I will do the repairs for her but she has to pay for it given she can make money on the car (as opposed to losing the 1000 dollars i will have lost if I do all the repairs it needs). J also says he can sell it for me in a week (and we would do a percentage deal so he would also profit from this). So, if I don;t worry about this other person I don't have to lose money. If I do, I don;t know what to do. If I had my time over I would ask more for the car, and I would anyway have sold it for more if it had not been that I know her. So, potentially I may be the one who loses out if we share the repairs because she can resell it at a much higher price than I sold it to her. But I know she does not have that much money, so to suddenly ask 750 dollars extra seems like a bad deal for her right now. HELP! So I guess I sleep on it.
Otherwise uneventful day, busy, but got little real work (read: IRB protocol) done. One more day of RA supervision and then that's it, we go for coffee and I have to do my own work again - but will I be glad not to have this daily supervision anymore, even if it does mean we are not running anymore subjects. I like both of them but the one is a real liability, I have to keep a very close eye on her without making it too obvious. Tomorrow morning again disrupted because I have to pick up the car, did not want to ask L to drive me again this evening and tomorrow morning i can get a driving service of the car company. So their little mistake has cost me a number of precious morning working hours.
Time to get back to my new itune story discovery, I finally have a beautiful red 8GB ipod - am I glad I bought it before i heard about the car...

Monday, december 4th

2006-12-05T04:45:00.000+01:00

Today B and I bought a house. We are going to live in a 5 room house on a little square in Amsterdam with a roof terrace. I still float...

December 1st

2006-12-02T04:21:00.000+01:00

We have a christmas tree. L said she bought it for me - I was saying there is nothing nicer than a real christmas tree, why does she not have one. I am going to miss her, I never have a christmas tree early december at home. But people have really got out their decorations, some gardens are truly better than disney land. Have to take care not to crash my car as I stare with an unbelieving grin on my face. Christmas decorations in the States are as abundant and varied as bikes in NL.
I am starting to feel sad and a little melancholic as I cuddle the dogs, drive home, think of what to do at the weekend, see J., chat to L.. 2 more weeks and my adventure is over. Luckily B has booked us into our favorite delicious good restaurant in Amsterdam 2 days after I get back. The thought of that will keep me going when I am having trouble leaving :-))) And no, it has never occurred to me that I may resemble my father...
Yesterday evening I had an evening of complete relaxation and happiness. I had to run my study at a different university about 40 minutes away, and I had to be there on time. Being anywhere on time in a car is stressful for me here. I seem to get lost wherever I go (and I wonder whether americans print out maps for everyone or whether I have got myself a reputation, everyone seems to do it - L always shouts "wait, I am printing directions for you". Anyway, I got myself there in a big sweat, took the most indirect route I could. Managed to take the highway in the wrong direction on the way home, and so happy to have finished the experimentation part of the evening that it took me quite a while to realize. So I had accomplished that, and I managed to get my computer program to work. We ran about 40 participants this week. Unfortunately, for some unknown and unpredicted (by J - "run men as well, there wont be that many") reason, I have 90 percent men taking part in my experiment. I ran 32 men and 7 women this week - and I only need women so that is a little frustrating. Today I realized I need to include an extra questionnaire, that scares me, trying to program it and worrying for some reason my program may decide not to work again. But it's an idea I want to test for a follow up study so it must go in. I had to leave at 7.45, nto finished but unable to think.
My morning work went down the drain due to housing issues. B looked at a house and thought it might be an option. It is a difficult one, we had the agreement that we would only buy something unseen by me if he saw it and thought "wow". he did not have that but he thought it would be very suitable. And we have only had the wow thing once in almost a year, so should we wait for that, given we would like a house at some point. But, he walked in and met the downstairs neighbour who was not pleasant. Now, for me that is important. So methinks, this is not a house we can buy without me seeing it - and I could, but then I go home 2 weeks early. And I don't want to. But i do want us to have a house together. So what do we do? We think, is our solution, and on Monday we decide. Right now I don;t think, I would finally like a good night's sleep.
I do have to think about the good-bye party L. wants to give for me. It scares me so I did not react very enthousiastically. she wants me to invite my fellow grad students and then her friends whom Ive met will come. But here friends, whom I like, are around 50, my fellow grad students are 25, and I find it difficult to communicate with them. I foreseen some problems, I already have trouble connecting to them, how are these groups going to connect? Plus, given I do not feel that connected, do I want to host a party for them? I wanted to go to the pub for drinks with a group of them, nice and informal and I don;t feel too responsible. But I don;t want to offend L. So what do I do? I stick my head in the sand and do nothing (so far) which means I don;t have party and don;t have pub either. Anyone got some good advice on that one? Oh and next problem is when? NExt weekend supervisor + wife come for dinnner (help) and the weekend after most grad students will be gone (but not all, and some of the nicer ones are still there).
Time for bed. It is finally weekend, I hope to have sweet dreams about a good birthday present for T's 30th.

Time to introduce the other new member of the doggy family, a very sleepy addition - but very sweet!

2006-11-28T03:42:00.000+01:00

Quabbin reservoir (used to be 4 villages before the valley was flooded - now supplies Boston with water)

2006-11-28T03:35:00.000+01:00

Monday, November 26th

2006-11-28T03:24:00.000+01:00

What a day, got home one hour ago (it's now 9.30). Was a long day, I am running my study tomorrow and just as I contemplated coming home part of my experiment decided to enter fast forward mode - no time to read any of the screens or answer any of the questions. just stared at it in disbelief. The scary thing is I still don't know what was going on. I recovered a file of a few hours earlier when it was still working and am now using that one instead. Going to get to the uni early to check everything once more, I still keep finding a whole load of mistakes, really stupid ones.
Perhaps it was punishment for thinking I could take of 2.5 days during thanksgiving. I went back to Amherst to see some friends I had not seen in 18 years. It was wonderful, a real highlight of this trip. One of the people I was visiting is my age, and we last saw one another when I was 13. So funny to see that his humor and jokes and way of teasing were exactly the same. And he still laughs at my jokes and commented that I still have the same sense of humor too. Real trip down memory lane, the mother still tells him and his sister off in just the same way when they are being silly - I really had to giggle. They are lovely people, I hope to see them more frequently. Amherst was small, much smaller than I remembered (and that disappointed me). As my mother said: You were small then so things seemed bigger, but I had not expected to have seen the whole thing within 20 minutes. I did see the place were I sang christmas carols in a choir (I got put into that because the cookery class was already full - it was NOT my own choice, and I would think the teacher might have wished the cookery class had found a place for me however full...).
I finally invited J for dinner, asking whether he could make next weekend. He said yes, and that was it. So I am not sure whether he actually wants to come but at least I have 2 weeks, almost, to figure out something I can cook and everyone likes...

Tuesday, November 21st

2006-11-22T03:27:00.000+01:00

3 dogs and myself alone at home. Just had to wake one of them up, hanging over my knee, quietly snoring. Big dog is back for thanksgiving break and decided to lie in something that looks rather disgusting. Now I feel I should clean her up but unfortunately I can't find the doggy shampoo... Went to work today thinking I'd catch some people before they left for thanksgiving break. I only caught one person about to leave, the rest of the afternoon I was pretty much the only living soul in the building. Weird feeling, it's a maze of a building, weird to wander through the gray maze on your own. Actually slightly scary too so I left my door closed (it locks automatically).
Yes, so this is the American thanksgiving. I don't remember it from my last visit to the States but it is kind of like Christmas. I am really really glad I have been invited up to Amherst for the 2 real thanksgiving days, otherwise it would be very lonely here (although L is not going anywhere). Luckily I can spend my time learning medialab. It's an incredible program, it is completely unclear to me when and where it accesses folders. Today it started using an old file that happened to be left on the desktop (oh and now I see why suddenly, so my weblog is even good for medialab problems). But anyway, this program keeps surprising me, which is somewhat worrying given that by next week Tuesday I need to have mastered it well enough not only to not be suprised anymore but to actually have a program that runs without crashing. And only on Monday do I discuss it with J., so if I have to change stuff I wont have much time left. But then who knows, I may not be running it anyway, if my worst fears come true.
Not much else to tell, having some supervision issues, not with J, and that's all I'll say. I'll also say that it worries me. A lot.
J I have not seen much recently, run by once a week and take 5 minutes to ask some questions. I hope he's just busy, not that I have been too much of a nuisance recently, or his irritation about my IRB attitude has lasted. He seems less concerned about what I am doing. Or is it just me worrying again? Perhaps in my tenseness of the past weeks I have become an unpleasant person to him, too goal oriented? Am I too goal oriented? Most of my questions are because I am scared I have done or will do something wrong. I am supposed to pluck up the courage to invite for a self cooked dinner, knowing that his wife is a super cook. Will I dare to do that? I wonder whether he will want to come, he does not really socialize individually with his grad students.
Well, just enjoying a sip of wine having visited the wine shop to get some thanksgiving presents. Since J (L's boyfriend) told me that the owners of the wineshop don't drink because they are muslim I don't ask their advice anymore. Makes it difficult to buy a wine you don't know. I hope I did well, I still need to follow a wine course to get some wine knowledge (or just talk to my father and also take notes). Uff, difficult typing when you have a sleepy head hanging over your arm. I'm going to read my nice new book, "The Ha-Ha".

2006-11-18T04:39:00.000+01:00

Friday, November 16 or 17th

2006-11-18T03:43:00.000+01:00

Today I discovered that running more than 9 kilometers and then going to work is not always a good combination. I could have curled up under my desk and fallen fast asleep, were it not for my research assistant who needed supervision (which was actually nice because otherwise there was nobody around to talk to). Probably he should have been the one taking the nap, he had not slept last night and he's bright but today I started to teach him something new, saw his face and said "why don't you just finish up what you were doing last time". It's nearly thanksgiving break, everyone is tired (me too, only I don't have a week's holiday, I have a computer program that keeps providing me with new mysteries to solve). I hope at some point I get round to actually focusing on what I want to study, rather on how to program it.
So it is finally weekend and I am going to try and take it off (this afternoon I was already thinking "but a little programming should be ok" - no I wont, but I am concerned I may get into some problems end of this week, programming 3 questions took me 3 hours today and I still have not solved the problem that kept arising).
Oh, and I have ipod issues, thanks to L. SO I finally bought myself a pink ipod, only to realize I needed more capacity. Now L discovered that the higher capacity ones only come in one colour, black, and i love my pink. But there is a special edition, which is red, only it's on sale 45 minutes from here, or on line. So this evening I tried to take back my pink one (and it took a lot of persuasion to drive to a mall at 6.30 this evening before dinner and after work). Got there, and they did not have enough cash in the register to pay me back! And the person behind the counter said she thought the 8 gb ipod was not worth it (because you can buy a 30 gb for the same price, but with less battery power and bigger). Did I ask her for her opinion, I don't think so. So I had to leave again without getting the thing changed (and it had taken me 4 days to finally get there). It also took me a long time to get home because I took L's shortcut home in the wrong direction.
Maybe give it another try tomorrow, I can also drive 45 minutes in the other direction and do both in one go - but now she made me doubt again whether i should not buy the 30 GB one instead. Do I need this small size? Well, it is nice because it will even fit in your pocket.
Enough, no more ipod. Tomorrow I go play tennis with D. On Sunday I may go on an outing, or go on a long run. I'd like to do both actually, would have liked the long run tomorrow but the tennis appointment seemed like a good way to see someone this weekend. There are always activities on offer when I am busy (e.g. last weekend). This weekend, nothing, because of coming thanksgiving (and I leave for Amherst coming Thursday). Most people go home on Wednesday at the latest. Luckily I have formed an international group for next weekend, 3 of us are going to do something.

Tuesday, November 14th

2006-11-15T04:17:00.000+01:00

Sometimes you get pulled back into reality, a non work more important reality. I just heard that L's boyfriend's uncle died and that he is very upset. I have grown very attached to her boyfriend, and he is currently travelling and alone to deal with this. I feel so sorry for him. He cannot come home until Thursday, which is a long time in a way.
And here was me feeling sorry for myself because my Research assistant entered data incorrectly (just filled in wrong number for items, everything seems to have slid down one line and he does not know why, and neither do I) and I analyzed that data and based my follow up study and some other important decisions on this. Had to go for a run to digest that one. He felt awful, which did help.
Otherwise all well. I went to New York spontaneously this weekend and loved it. Stayed with my roommate's (from Leiden) boyfriend + 2 other colleagues. We went out for dinner, danced, I chatted, loved it. Next day I went walking on my own, and just walked and walked through New York. It was partly pouring with rain but I so enjoyed it. Spent a lot of money too... It's great just sucking up the atmosphere of a town and not thinking about anything - and the shopping is amazing. I had to forbid myself 'shop entry' at the end of the afternoon, otherwise I would have plundered my entire account (and only remembered at the end of the afternoon, was that strategic?, that I also had to have my car mended this week).
For those of you who know me as an indecisive person: I am indeed. Bought an ipod with 4 GB after much doubting and consideration, only to decide when I got back home that I really did want the 8 GB one and that I would forever regret my buy if I did not get it. SO now I have to hope they will swap it, because in my enthusiasm I of course opened the box.
Enough boring ipod stories, to bed, have to sort out my data before class + car pick up tomorrow.

Thursday, November 9th

2006-11-10T02:34:00.000+01:00

K is discovering spontaneity, something that seldomly happens in my organized Dutch life (which, given the fact that my organized activities concern friends, is something I can tell you I am missing too). But, I went to the bar again this evening, met up with the nice French girl I had talked to last week and she asked whether I would like to join her and her friend for dinner. Another very hyptertalkative girl who seemed afraid of any silence joined us and it was fun (espeically when she took bites of her food now and then, or even went to the bathroom so we could get a word in edgeways...But she was new to connecticut and obviously lonely so I can feel for her - I guess we all express insecurity in different ways and she came and talked tome when I was suddenly, scarily, standing entirely alone with a whole bunch of people close by that I did not know). I like that kind of unexpected activity. Now I sit here with a cider and contemplate an odd kind of day. Perhaps I am working just a little too hard it occurred to me this afternoon. I actually managed to irritate J,and I can tell you, this is someone who never gets irritated (or at least never shows it). These IRB procedures about the ethics of my experiment are really getting to me. J got annoyed because I was being unnecessarily deceptive, I had completely had it because I have so much to do and he was giving me a pile of things to change and I wanted to get my revision of the proposal in asap. He told me to go out and enjoy the nice weather when we had finished - I told him it was unlikely I would be out of here while the weather is still nice.
So, I think tomorrow I will make sure I get some of the nice weather, I want to go for an hours run before going to the university (unfortunately). Only going there to keep an eye on my research assistants.
Oh and I ran into the IRB office at 1 minute to 5 and handed in my revision. Just hope I did not forget anything.. or do something silly with my consent forms... I did check everything but I had to change so many different things in so many different places I cannot guarantee it went well + I added a few things (thanks to J) and perhaps I should have justified why I added them? Now I am worried again... Hm, let's take another sip of cider and go and watch sex in the city..

S4nday, November ?

2006-11-06T02:52:00.000+01:00

How can days be too short and evenings too long? Got out of bed, played with the dogs, worked, went running, worked, went bow and arrow shooting, worked - and then the evening started and I don;t know what to do with myself. Perhaps it's because I can't work anymore because I am utterly stuck and very fed up with my statistics. Punishment for physical presence but mental absence in crucial parts of the course (and the notes on my college printouts are proof, e.g. send RA e-mail, reserve room, do IRB..) I am guessing.
well, evenings get shorter when you have sweet little brown doggie lying asleep on your knee. I am off to bed.

Saturday, November 4th

2006-11-05T00:31:00.000+01:00

It was fun! L (person who rents me house) and L (the wife of my supervisor - I am being told my abbreviations are confusing) and I left at 8.45 this morning for the dog show. We met the breeder of L's dog at her mobile home on the grounds of the dog show (which was in a casino building). We were allowed into the show ring with her, which meant I could mill in between all the dogs. The newfoundlands were sweet, one of them, a puppy did not want to go into the ring, he just sat down. Felt so sorry for him, his handler tried to pull him in and coax him - he had to give up any efforts. It's interesting to hear the dog talk. Apparently, if your dog has enough points it is not sportive to enter him into competition unnecesarily taking away points from dogs who still need them - but some people do not keep to that rule (and they are looked at and talked about, as are the people who breed too large dogs for the breed and are trying to earn quick money, they are frowned upon even more). I've decided my next dog will be an African hairless dog, really took to them.
We have come back with another cavalier king charles girl, S. We have her for a while because she is not showing for the breeder so we borrowed her. She is not feeling very at home yet, perhaps also because B keeps sticking his nose into her bum and doing other things male dogs will do when they have not met a female for a while. Actually, by now they are both frustrated.
I am trying to cook a curry to cheer L up because big dog has been given away, she left today, and L is very sad. Only my mother did not read her e-mail today with a plea to let me know how precisely to make the thing (not that I have not done it loads of times before now but I keep forgetting) + I seem to have bought coconut milk that is sweet, and the whole curry is tasting odd. I am letting it simmer now and hoping it will improve.
Tomorrow I seem to have been booked in for a bow and arrow shooting. L's boyfriend seems to think I need cheering up so he called L and said the three of us had a date for Sunday afternoon. I did not have the heart to say that I was looking forward to a Sunday on my own. I had wanted to go on a 1.5 hour run. I did say to L that I wanted to just keep it open whether i join them but now think I'll probably have to go. In fact I would want to, that's the stupid thing, as long as I can run beforehand. And I can do that, but then I can't work very much tomorrow. And I did not work that much this week - just did not feel like it + if you for once don't have an almost impossible deadline it is difficult to motivate self. I am not sure what my next deadline is, I think I could probably even take tomorrow off but I seem to find that difficult. Sometimes I wonder whether I did not work harder during the week when I did not know I had the weekend as well.
Bsweet got back well and is confirming my hypothesis that being left behind is worse. He sounds a lot less like he is missing me than I am. I am glad about that.
Whoever is thinking about buying a ST Bernard by the way, don't, they slobber terribly!

Thursday, November 2nd

2006-11-03T03:32:00.000+01:00

I survived one whole day in 2 windowless rooms trying to figure out a new computer program, one day after my sweet has left. So, if you can do that you can survive thanksgiving week as well, I'm sure. That feels like the next hurdle, everyone seems to go home to their family and no one is around. I am invited to 2 different places on the day itself but what do I do the other days - work of course, but I don't like being at work and not seeing anyone. I was counting on T (Israeli, therefore no family here either) but T is in New York seeing friends for those 4 days. We'll see, I can always go hiking with Bailey, and hopefully I will have more varied work than just trying to figure out a program that keeps crashing on me (and I really am only following the instructions).
This weekend, special message to my aunt and uncle, I am going to see the bernese mountain dogs and newfoundlands at the dog show (although it does mean I may miss the cavalier king charles spaniels, but L has said she will still take me home even if I do - her dog is of that type and her breeder is showing, which is why we are going).
Went to the drinks evening again tonight, very proud of myself because I find them scary when I don't know many people who are going. Pushed myself there (wanted to go safely home) and met a very nice French student who is here for only 4 months too. She also lives with a woman in a big house in a village with a lake and that woman went to a dog show last week. I said we should introduce our landladies to one another. We have exchanged e-mail adresses. I hope to see her again sometime soon.

Wednesday, November 1st

2006-11-02T03:49:00.000+01:00

Sad, very sad. Today my sweetypie left and I miss him. I had put on make-up with the intention not to cry, luckily my new mascara seems fairly waterproof. His brown eyes get even bigger when I have to leave him. Luckily managed a joke about only being able to wave through my sunroof because my windows wont open - we both managed a little grin.
Got home (after coming just to see the end of J and DK's book signing) and went for a run, that helped. Then opened the door to my study and discovered that L had framed the two fotos she had taken of us that afternoon and had left them on my desk. So sweet! WE are going to a doggy show together this Saturday (probably with J's wife who is another dog lover). I am very much looking forward to that. She and J (her boyfriend) suggested I take the dog to bed instead if I am lonely - they meant that as a joke, luckily!
Talking about dogs, I promised to let them out one last time this evening so I'd better get going.

More of our outing on Sunday, October 29th

2006-10-31T03:28:00.000+01:00

Monday, October 30th

2006-10-31T03:16:00.000+01:00

Time flies when you have company. And now I already feel sad, he is leaving in 2 days, we are already discussing what to do on our last evening together (have dinner just the 2 of us or go out for dinner with L and J = person who rents me her house + boyfriend). I have got very used to having him here, we would work together in the mornings at home, then drive to the university where

he would disappear into the library, and I would go to my grey hole, to be picked up round about 5 or 6 to drive home again and have dinner together. It's going to feel lonely without him when I drive back from the airport on Wednesday. Life will become more work focused again (says she who just managed to take off 2 weekends + part of Monday - with bad conscience but still better than the past weeks). I even manage to sleep whole nights since he has been here.

But, I treasure my last not quite two months here - however much I don't want him to go, I do not want to go with him, not one hair of me has thought, I wish I could step on that plane to Amsterdam (hairs have thought, if he stayed here..)

So the picture is of a drive we took on Sunday down the connecticut river to the shore. We never really got to stand by the sea because it is all private property, but we had a great time. Also visited New Haven which B liked (and I knew I liked). Took some good pictures of me leaning on my car - to treasure later on when I tell my children, this was the first car I ever had, and I only got it when I was 31 (and then managed to back it into a tree so the antennae did not work, and the windows decided to stop opening so every time I had to pay toll I had to open the door to take the ticket...).

2006-10-25T04:08:00.000+02:00

2006-10-25T04:04:00.000+02:00

OK, so I guess I have to add text if I publish on the left. This was on our long hike, and having taken the first 3 stones we got a little stuck (which still is better than trespassing across other people's land in order to make dinner on time).

Tuesday, October 24th

2006-10-25T03:36:00.000+02:00

Today 5 years ago I was spending a night wide awake in bed, very happy, with a curly head happily sleeping next to me. Tonight we went to celebrate this, 5 years ago Blove and I finally got together after a dinner of knakworstjes and soup. It seems like yesterday in some ways. This evening was only a pub dinner celebration, our real celebration dinner was this weekend. WE actually nearly missed it as we woke up at 7.15 pm having dropped into bed after a long hike. 7.15 was also the time the taxi was supposed to pick us up and take us for our special dinner. So that was dinner without makeup on, it was lovely, despite the sleepy hectic start. The whole weekend was great, we went to the BErkshires, a hilly area in Massachusetts (I should know how to write this..). It took me a while to switch off from work, had been particularly unpleasant working week. But we had such a beautiful long hike and we were reminiscing about the nicest moment in our 5 year relationship - there were too many to chose just one..
Ok, I will stop my romantic reminiscences. I don't have that much to write, my study is not working, I am writing a new IRB to apply to the ethical committee to run a follow up study, and I meet J this Friday to hopefully discuss some theoretical issues I have been worrying about. He has been a good mentor recently, even when he had me dropping a few tears in his office last week (very embarrassing, will not be repeated).
The doggies are both here still, happily chewing apart any toy animals they can get hold of, glad I did not bring one of mine (the way I was feeling the day before I left I was very inclined to, only reason none crossed the ocean was luggage constraints).
B pointed out that my weblog reads as if I am not having a good time, i would like to point out that I am. I use this weblog to digest the aspects of my life here that are more difficult (also because I do not have anyone to talk to about them on a daily basis!), so sometimes it may seem as if I don't have fun here, but I do. Most of all I really enjoy my work here, so if I work a lot, I am also enjoying myself. And that for me is a new and good experience, good in that in the long run it may make it easier for me to know what I want in my career.
Oof we're getting serious here. I could recount my stats class comment of hte day. We were talking about dichotomous variables and that if you wanted to study them you might need different types of stats programs. DK pointed out that, for example, life versus death is a dichotomous variable - to add that the way he is feeling today he might also consider it a continuous variable. I thought that was very funny. But maybe you have to hear it to laugh (or you just have to be me- I wouldn't).
So, that's all from me for today.

Tuesday, October 17th

2006-10-18T02:31:00.000+02:00

It's been awhile and I've been to Philadelphia and back. Arriving at Philadelphia airport was so exciting, I could hardly wait for the plane to land. I was greeted by 3 smiling faces and 3 big hugs when I got through customs. Blove and my parents had all arrived from Amsterdam an hour earlier and waited for me. Lovely to see them again. We went out for dinner and it was just like the good old times in Holland (we always have fun and never run out of things to say - and had to listen about complaints of wet trousers that would not have been wet if we had waited for the rain to stop - as I say, some things never change!). The next day was spent in Philly with my parents, very relaxing - we walked, eat and went shopping. Then the SESP conference started. I did not like this conference last year (felt inadequate, unimportant and shy), this year I remembered once again why I had decided not to go again last year. I guess I thought having J to introduce me to people would help, but it was scary. What do you say to someone you have never met before who has no reason to be interested in you and is standing there looking at you, as is your supervisor. I say, hi and goodbye (well not quite but almost) - which does not make for lasting good impressions.Probably my best one was when, after mutually staring at one another for what seemed like an age at lunch I, by way of conversation, said to this person "I liked your talk". Now don't get me wrong, I had been to her talk, the problem was I could not remember for sure which topic she had talked about. She then asked me about my research, and, as generally happens to me when I try to explain my research to others, did not understand what I was saying. She finally asked "is this similar to what I do in my research". That is very difficult to answer when you have no idea what "my research" is. After a long silence from my side we ended up changing the subject completely. I did learn from this experience!
I spent a lot of time at the conference with my parents too, which I usually do not. I wanted to see them a lot, but the conference setting made me uncomfortable. Leaving them was horrible, especially as my mother was so upset - and I felt so bad because I knew she would be less so if we had not decided to give up the idea of their visiting me (how can I be a good host when I work both evenings and weekends?). Not nice, and I miss them, we have such fun together.
Now Blove is here. He is still getting a little used to living in a house with someone else living there as well but has adjusted well to the daily work rythm (i.e., he turns around when the alarm goes off at 7 and sleeps for another hour) - no it works out well, we work at home in the morning and then he goes and works in the library when we are at uconn. I got a brief taste of my forgotten home life when we had 2 drinks in the pub last night (before having to leave because I had to finish my stats homework..). I am so work focused here I have forgotten what life used to be like, and I am having to find a way of remembering that a little. Does not help that I met with J yesterday and gave him a planning of the rest of my stay. I had written down that I could write a report for the ethical committee of one study by the end of the week. I made it clear that writing one on two studies would not be possible. J announces that handing in to the IRB on Friday is not necessary, they will not be doing much before next week Tuesday. So, his suggestion: hand in the proposal on Tuesday and include two studies. It did not hit me until I had left the room that I had agreed to do something I had basically said was impossible. "No can do" is an unknown phrase in his vocabulary (we're talking about someone who wrote a chapter of 38 pages in 24 hours). So I was somewhat stressed yesterday, and worried about my guest here. Should I be taking my computer along for the weekend? No, obviously not (although I do take my stats homework). But how am I supposed to entirely design 2 studies (including theoretical background, method, procedure and dependent measures as if I were running the studies)? I have no answer to that yet, my answer of taking this evening off because I could not face work and feeling bad about working when Blove is here is perhaps not the best coping strategy. But I worked until 10pm last night and was behind my desk at 7.30 again. At least when Í get back I will know what really working hard is, and I'll know I am capable of it. And I'll know that if this is how people function in this culture it may not be the kind of place I would want to live in permanently (although a few years working with J would be complete joy).
Enough for now. gotta look up the weather forecast for this weekend.

2006-10-09T03:42:00.000+02:00

Sunday, October 8th

2006-10-09T02:16:00.000+02:00

I finally did something this weekend, I took myself on my private K-excursion by car. Half an hour's drive and I was at Bigelow Hollow state park. Well, I was not entirely alone, had a little brown and white creature with me who stuck his nose to the ground and wagged his way through the entire 5 mile hike (maybe he did stop wagging when he fell into the pond, had to fish him out, he looked a bit surprised). It was a beautiful hike, I went around a big pond. Felt completely knackered when I got back - and still had to make my way to a housewarming party that evening (we'll not mention the data I was supposed to enter - nor the stats homework I still have not done, and don't know when and how I will manage before coming Tuesday).
Housewarming party was fun untill I ended up in discussion with T about my way of working and J. It went down the wrong way with me, think she meant to be nice. I went home, she did not realize the effect her talk had on me.
This Friday B and I finally saw a house we really liked, the first since the last one we did not get. I was so excited, pushing him to call and make sure he could see it soon (he found me quite irritating, amazing that I can even do that at such a distance :-)) It was just the part of town we want to be in, the right amount of rooms, a balcony, nice, sunny etc. Only problem is that the first viewing is the day B leaves for the States to visit me. So no can do. Sometimes it feels like our house search is doomed, we see one house every 4 months that we want to have and it always comes at the wrong time (last time was hte day before I left for the States). I worry about our housing, when are we going to move together? We'll have been together for 5 years in 2 weeks, and of that time together we have spent half of it not being able to live together despite wanting to. That and the manipulations that are not working and not knowing what to do about it was quite a lot to digest on Friday (+ the fact that I had to know what I was doing by 3.30 pm which was when I had to run subjects). I wrote a manipulation while not able to think, which worried me, and still does. THe manipulation actually seems to work but I still worry I put a confound in there, and I am still not able to think, very frustrating. I worked today but did not get enough finished so tomorrow is going to be a race against time again (I leave for a talk at Yale at 10 am). I thought about skipping the talk but I had arranged to meet someone there as well and the talk is about an area in which J had suggested doing some research in (and I found the idea very interesting, want to learn more about it). And I just really want to go...
So, 3 more days and then I leave for Philadelphia. REally look forward, meet both B and parents at airport (if all goes well). Will be very exciting. And then finally a day off, we go look at philadelphia. And on Wednesday we all have dinner together - although they are likely to fall asleep on me, I will be the only one without jetlag!

Thursday, October 5th

2006-10-06T04:00:00.000+02:00

try number 3 and my manipulation is still not working. I was going to relax this evening but spent it staring at my data instead. And the glass of wine I have just treated myself corks. Given this is an 11 dollar wine I would normally take it back to the shop but I went to this wineshop when I was lost a couple of weeks ago. Got advice from a very nice man who told me this bottle was the tops (he did not tell me half his wines cork, this is the second corking one, had to throw the last one away = 8 dollars literally down the drain). Even if I could reconstruct my way to the shop, it was truly in the middle of nowhere - and it was the kind of nowhere I don't want to see again.
To look on the bright side of things, the trees are starting to turn colour. It is so beautiful I stare in amazement (not a good idea when you are in the car, am going to have to stop once on the way to work, I come by such a beautiful spot I am in danger of crashing the car otherwise). I am hoping to go on a long hike this weekend and take some photos (except that the manipulation problems is backing me up on all my other work, e.g., writing an IRB, doing stats homework, thinking about J'sother idea etc.). And on MOnday I go to Yale for a talk and on Wednesday I am already off to SESP conference in Philadelphia, where I see Bsweet and my parents. Greatly look forward to that, but when am I going to get all my work done?
I am going to sit outside and look at the stars, rather than writing and being boring about my work.

Tuesday, October 3d

2006-10-04T05:08:00.000+02:00

I don't think I've worked so much in one day for ages. It was one of those days when you get up very early (at least for me 6.45 is early..) and know that you are not going to manage to do all you should (which was indeed true). By 2pm I had already so completely had it that I was so baffled by my statistics class that I could not even ask questions (save one pretty stupid one that indicated complete non-comprehension: how does this relate to the sem model. Answer: it does not, this is not about the sem model. Was actually an eye-opener for me as I realized I was following a class that was not only about sem, explained why I could not comprehend how the different topics we covered fitted together. Answer: they don't). So I run another experimental session, and again we looked whether my manipulations had worked (at 7.30 this evening... And the answer to that one was J's: "I have never seen such weird data in years, have you coded them correctly?" Why does this always happen to me? The other hour of our meeting this evening was spent looking at my presentation for tomorrow. The rest of the evening until now was prepared redoing my presentation for tomorrow. I have about 2.5 hours tomorrow morning before class to finish it. I do need to go to bed, but I can;t really relax yet.
This week I will not feel lonely: 2 people suggested different activities for this evening - both of which I had to postpone, and I was invited to a housewarming. It felt like being at home again, I suddenly got stressed because I have so many evenings out. NICE!!! So despite, or because of work 'stress' (not really, just lot to do) I feel really quite happy. I like the ideas in my presentation, it's exciting (now all we need is the ***? study to work.
Off to relax.

Sunday, October 1st

2006-10-02T03:25:00.000+02:00

It's funny, I have not had this in a long time - it's real talk deprivation. I talk to a lot of people but there is a difference between talking and really talking, talking about how you feel, how the other feels, how the week has gone, how the past month has been and how life is in general. I have not done that for ages and it makes me unhappy (which I think is a shame, I should enjoy my time here, but this weekend I have really not felt very happy). There really is enough I can do, I could have gone to Amherst this weekend, I can let out the dogs, go shopping, take myself for a hike, work (which I should) or just read. And some of that I can even do with other people, so what's the problem? The real talk I guess, the being with someone who actually cares for you. T and D are spending a lot of time just the 2 of them and then I worry they have gone off me because I have been less fun these past 2 weeks (stress and having fun with me are not good combinations). ANd I need them, because, in a premature way (we don't know one another that well), they do care.
Anyway, what did I do today. I left for a hike in the pouring rain, absolute downpours. There were 7 of us prepared to endure the rain (well 2 were leading the tour). It was kind of American style, so they had walkie talkies (just to communicate to one another, the group being so big - not), a survival guide for if anything went wrong, they were in communication with another person who was more senior and walking in the same nature reserve (just a wood with a kliff in the middle), we were stopped and told we should drink every now and then so as not to get dehydrated etc., you get the jist of things. It was nice to go on a hike again but I think next time I organize my own. And then I got back late because the guides got lost and I had the football match to play in. SO I rushed home, changed and ran out the door again. Only to get to the university and not be allowed to play. As an affiliate member it seems I have to become a member of the gym. THe fact that I had already played in 2 matches 'illegally' did not matter, neither the fact that they admitted it was their mistake but that no I could not sign up at the gym right now, that was only possible during the week. I argued, I got angry, nothing helped. And this time it was not the liability issues, it was policy (unfair to all the other people who do pay membership... I could have punched him). So I stood watching my team lose for 40 minutes. We only lost because the defense was weak once, and if I had been there I would have been there. GRRRR. So that's the end of the soccer for the season. I could take part in a women's football team but I don't really think I would enjoy that very much. So I guess it's back to evenings at home again now.

Saturday, September 30th

2006-10-01T02:14:00.000+02:00

Good sentence scrambling task yesterday evening - they are frequently used in social psychology. Mine left me with quite a headache followed by extreme nausea this morning. I don't even remember how many gin tonics I had, that is a bad sign. I did have a nice evening though, even if I suffered today (by not feeling like doing anything, except be outside in the fresh air - so I tried doing stats homework on the deck with my jacket on. Got stuck as usual but made some progress and eased my conscience a little - can't take a whole weekend off).
Trouble is I know I am going to become incredibly busy at some point very soon and that makes me nervous. I have to hand in an IRB with at least two studies in it by next week Tuesday and right now we are still discussing how to do the first, not to mention the other two. But to do the other two I need to have sorted out the first one, and I need to get the opportunity to ask J a pile of questions which are on a paper I take to every meeting and never get round to asking.
So all I did today was walk the dog for an hour and bike to the gas station because they had given me the wrong phone card. Exciting. Actually feeling just a bit lonesome here alone at home. I could have gone out this evening but both options meant driving at least 1 hour and that I did not feel like + I have a long day tomorrow. First I go on a 6 mile treck which starts at 9 am (the treck is actually rather short, don;t like that) and then we have our soccer match. It is a straight out system, don't win tomorrow and that's it for the season. They had very few women for tomorrow so I could not really say no, and my knee is a lot better. Putting ice on it helps.
So perhaps I'll go and get my stuff ready for that instead of wondering how I am going to get through what seems like a long evening.

friday septembet 30th

2006-09-30T06:42:00.000+02:00

sn internet is wokriing again, butjust in case got drunk with L and boyfriedn (?) anyway at lcal conencticute bar anycasethis eve. lor of fun, he;s nice. OFF TO BED
KATH

Thursday, September 29th

2006-09-29T22:01:00.000+02:00

Still no internet, boehoe, I miss it. Have permission to use J’s, just hope it does not mean standing entirely in his garden. Today was not one of the greatest days, everything seemed to be difficult, just trying to look at a computer program was difficult, the secretary would not give me the key to the room without permission from the head of the social psychology department – that kind of stuff. And not having internet does not make life more pleasant. I think I subconsciously do worry about lack of participants. J wants me to look at my data tomorrow to check whether my manipulations are having any effect. I’ll have run 22 participants by then. He’s seeing me so often it worries me (not that our meetings are ever very long), why does he do that? Does he feel I can’t do things on my own? Or realize I am kind of stressed this week? He has so much to do, I don’t want him to feel obliged to see me. Well today was useful, we changed my design again – actually back to something I have been wanting to do for a couple of years (that I think, why did I not do it sooner, I should not have listened to my supervisors).
Otherwise I went to the bar again today, that is a Thursday evening thing. The pressure is up to play soccer on Sunday, there are very few women available and everyone is pushing me to play. It’s just I don’t want to risk my knee, although I really enjoy the soccer being able to run is more important to me (don’t tell them though). I get down when I can’t run, and actually another grad student who runs a lot said she has the same, you miss the endorfines.
This is becoming a really cheery weblog. I’ll stop and try finding a place for me and B to stay, I want the best and then have the feeling I may not be choosing the right region -> I don’t chose at all and if I keep on doing that we wont have anywhere to go…

Wednesday, September 28th

2006-09-29T22:00:00.000+02:00

So I came home today and said hopefully “and does internet work again”. L had not even got round to calling. Internet feels like my lifeline, I don’t like being without it. And I should be looking up places to stay with my sweet. But anyway, perhaps I can go stand in the garden tomorrow morning and download my mail via J’s wireless connection (that’s what the person who lived here before me did when internet was not working – well I think she sat on his porch but I was not planning on doing that…).
So I finally went running this evening, only half an hour and went on the track because that is softer. My leg doesn’t hurt, but I can feel the same muscle again, it just feels a bit pulled (but does that normally hurt because this doesn’t?) I hate running on the track, it is complete boredom, and I don’t find it relaxing being on campus when exercising. I like coming home first, throwing my work stuff into my study and going off for an hour in nature.
Oh, I went brick red and splodgy again today, tried to describe my follow up experiment to the lab group + ask their advice within 10 minutes (after they had listened to 2 other people for nearly 2 hours before me). I realized I should have just let my go pass as I was talking and saw all the glassy eyes. But it was too late by then, so instead I decided to change colour and embarrass myself. I still had the same colour when I had to run to be on time for my RA who was running the experiment for me the first time. Looked really relaxed and calming, I did, managed to forget all my papers at the meeting (also the signup sheet) so by the time I got back to her the second time I was not only red and splodgy but also sweaty and panting. Was I glad to come home this evening. Off to get my atlas out of the car and finally try to make a decision about where B (not the dog, the boyfriend) and I should go. The most beautiful area will be beyond its prime as far as fall colours are concerned. If we stay more South (= Connecticut) we stand a chance of seeing some nice colours, only it is not as spectacular as the White mountains. So then I have to chose which of all these areas I don’t know, and can’t find much info about on internet.

Tuesday, September 27th (?)

2006-09-29T03:51:00.000+02:00

It feels like being home again: no internet and writing my weblog in word.
So, let’s start with a quick work update on the progress of my experiment. I finally managed to sign up participants for the participant pool on Monday (and gave my apologies to the coordinator for pestering her on Friday, she managed a joke which was even funny so I feel better about that). So, I checked every hour on Monday until T told me to stop because I was getting so depressed. J told me to wait until today before worrying. So now I can worry, I have 7 signups, I have booked a lecture hall which will be filled with 7 students. Yes, it turns out it’s exam time, the coming two weeks. J shrugged his shoulders. What can we do…
Think of more experiments I guess, he came back from his journey to Europe with another idea. I am now writing an IRB for 3 studies, all to be run before I leave. It’s a lot of work but his new idea is exciting, I really enjoyed thinking about it this morning. And perhaps I could run the other one (which is most problematic) when I am home. And at least we have discovered I can run my follow up study in authorware, that makes a big difference (now all I have to do is translate my entire experiment. I asked whether we couldn’t find an RA for the Dutch translations. I am so funny…).
Tomorrow I have my psychological development class. We had to list our skills and talents in all areas (I am good at tennis writes me). This kind of homework does not surprise me anymore since having to look at a list of achievements and publications of one of the staff members here while at a staff meeting. Everyone was asked to report anything important that had happened in the past year, he had this list with articles written, in progress, talks given and symposia organized etc., which he had photocopied and handed out to us. I’ve kept it.
Today I had stats class with a well known statistician (yes, David Kenny indeed) who is very funny and sarcastic. I keep having to giggle at his jokes (even if I am sometimes the only one. I am also the only one to ask a minimum of 2 questions every lecture, so reputation ruined anyway – I’m not only a nerd I also suck up to teachers by laughing at their jokes). He can actually be very sarcastic about himself, which I really like (given, for those of you who don’t know, he is one of the top statisticians in the area, I mean who doesn’t quote Kenny’s site when reporting mediations?). I went to his office yesterday to ask him a question. He was in a bit of a rush but wanted to be helpful, only for some reason he often (actually hardly ever) does not understand my questions. By the time I had explained it to him I had turned brick red and splodgy (did that in front of J today, think he felt rather bad about it and tried to get rid of the colour by relaxing me which did not work so he had to look at splodges for 40 minutes, after that my roommate got to enjoy them). But anyway DK ended up apologizing for not understanding my question which made me feel even worse. But we finally managed to connect and he answered my question and I went off to do my homework. To my amazement I still enjoy his classes, I have never liked statistics…
Otherwise not much to say. I miss my running incredibly, it’s my distraction and relaxation. I am not sure whether my knee would get worse if I ran, given that the soccer seems to be the cause. I am in dubio as to whether to give it a week’s rest and be on the safe side, or to give it a try and see whether the running is ok as long as I don’t do soccer yet. It certainly is not back to normal. So right now all I do is work, and play with the dogs (maybe I will give the running a try tomorrow). It’s difficult to turn off the work, especially when there are new ideas (or participant pool worries). I realize the new idea keeps mulling through my head and exciting me – which is not a bad thing only it keeps on when I go to bed.
Well, I guess that’s all I have to tell. My sweety comes over in 2 weeks and 1 day!

Sunday, September 24th

2006-09-25T01:46:00.000+02:00

I think I got my dates a bit confused, just as well otherwise I would have missed my hiking trip on the 1st of October. I don't have that many exciting things to say today except that I followed my mirror advice, the mirror told me "you don't look good, you look stressed and unhealthy". SO I have taken the entire weekend off (the bad conscience disappears after a while). All I did was check my mail in the hope that J would have set an appointment with me for tomorrow, which he has not (he promised me one a week ago but i fear I may not be the only one on the waiting list). Instead I went to the farmers market with L and J's wife which I always love doing, then I let out D's dog for him in a nature reserve (and I'll spare you further details but somehow I attrack shit problems). At least I didn't feel hungry despite missing lunch. RIght now I am praying my knee recovers. It started being a pain after the soccer match on Wednesday, and stayed that way but not too bad. Now it seems to have got worse again after the practice today, I had to turn round after 5 mins of running. I can't do without the running, have got quite addicted to it. I don't know what it is with the soccer that does it, I felt the first twinge after someone ran into me on Wednesday but that was my leg not my knee.
Enough about knees. Ehrm, I have nothing else to write. Time to read guidebooks.

Saturday, September 30th

2006-09-24T04:19:00.000+02:00

I hope I did not embarrass myself on my last weblog (have not reread it yet). It was written after some alcohol. I spent part of the night awake worrying after that and had a horrible Friday pestering people. It didn't help, I've had to postpone my experiment, and hope to sort things out on Monday. Things got completely out of proportion too. I went running for 1 hour at the end of the day, and then out to celebrate D's birthday. We had a great dinner (at 9.30 pm) with A and A who are not a couple yet, but who will be soon. He is J's grad student, funny guy, and she is really really nice and Venezuelan and feeling a little lonely here in the States I think. We were immediately invited to her housewarming next week (go to one party and they come flowing in). Just hopes she likes reading, then I don;t have to go to some mall looking for a present. I drove to the mall in Manchester today, expecting to walk through it and do some shopping. Naive, we are in the States, we drive to each shop, a mall is a collection of shops with parking lots in front of them. I drove to 3 parking lots and by then had spent sufficient money (best not to think about how much...) to go home - well actually to get completely lost and have to go into a gas station because my atlas does not help me when I don't know which town I'm in. Came rather late to let D's dog out (T and D are in New York for his birhtday celebration). Let the dog out for quite a while and then had to go grocery shopping still. Somehow my day off went by far too quickly, tomorrow back to work again. Ugh, just looked at work e-mail by mistake - e-mail from both Ras, shut it down before i could read them, why do I do that at 10.20 pm on a Saturday. The way I feel about work at the moment I might be better off taking another day off (as I have always done). Depends a bit on my appointment with J + I can't stay home on Monday because I have to sort out________ (we are not thinking about that tonight).
Anyway bought 2 guidebooks to be able to book weekend with Blove for when he comes (and we celebrate our 5th anniversary!). And had to buy some running gear, and those 4 books are very necessary for my relaxation... Hmm, I know where all that money went. So tomorrow is the match. WE all want to win so badly, and according to A (our captain) we really are the best team in the pool (why then does he let his new love A - see above - play for the first time this season, must really be true love). We do have a new addition to the team, a soccer pro girl - I do hope with all these new women running around that I will be allowed on the pitch?
Time to go read my new books..

Thursday, September 29th

2006-09-22T03:34:00.000+02:00

So, my proposal finally passes the IRB. Great, let's post for participants, thinks me on Wednesday at 12am. Naive, so naive, have you not learnt from your past experiences (as J said to me after my first dmv experience)? We are in the States, now we enter the participant pool procedure. "But oh, you'll have it all done by Wednesday, you can run participants on Thursday", I am told. "What, you have a filter, you only want women, oh". Yes, oh, and it was all supposed to be done by this evening but the person who promised this had disappeared to a bridal shower, no even worse, a baby shower (can't people shower babies on their own and leave people to do their work?). Giorgio came by about 15 minutes after I heard this and asked whether I was coming for the happy hour. YES, says me. So happy houring I did at the pub (not too much) and at home. After one hour G told me I looked very different, so much more relaxded, compared to when he had picked me up. Yes, it has been a stressful week, and if I did not have to drive tomorrow evening after Demis's birthday celebration I would definitely have a few glasses to compensate. Trouble is the coordinator of the participant pool (the baby shower girl) is the only person I took an immediate dislike to (and she seems to have the same feeling - she was the one who did not send me an invitation last week, b). She ran into the computer room this afternoon. I said "hi", she said nothing and then raffeled through all my just printed, fresh experimental material (and no one touches that, that is precious). I said, "those are mine", she raffled through what was coming out of the printer, I said "that's mine too", she raffled on some more and ran out of the room. She is supervised by the only faculty person I find irritating and potentially dislikable.
Anyways, enough about her, thanks to her, rather than working on my next study I have to drive to the uni early tomorrow morning (provided she has done her work) to set up the participant pool.
But today was not as bad as yesterday. I don't really feel like thinking about it but we lost the soccer match. And I was really angry about that! The only thing that helped is that, ever since, I have had compliments about how well I played.Well, I want to carry on doing that, if we lose on Sunday, that's end of soccer for the season. So we have to win. I lay in bed thinking of new strategies last night. No one really wanted to listen to them in the bar this eve. I talked to someone who kept saying: "in the economist it says about muslims in HOlland that.... Is that true"? Now, don't get me wrong, the first few times this was quite interesting. But at some point I had to bring up my: How do you get rid of boring men, try to remember, it's been a while strategy. Oh yes: "do you know where the restrooms are?".
J comes back 2 days earlier than I had thought. That makes the suggestion for a meeting on Monday somewhat more realistic, now he's back on Saturday. Just have to get myself a time.
Yes and that was work again, the more I sit behind my comp, the more I worry about that participant pool again - well, actually , the more angry I get. Does that person realize how little time one has to run 3 experiments + get through the IRB (who refused me definite approval for 3 meaningless sentences + a debriefing they had not seen because they scanned the document) in 4 months? No, I didn't think so. She does not have to, she should just keep her promises. Now I am going to have to get in touch with my RAs to see whether they can run more sessions for me. And they have not impressed me so far (my roommate managed to get really good ones by going and advertising at a lecture where I was supposed to advertise as well, only I was screwing on license plates for my car instead....).
Ok,I am going to stop, to look on the bright side, anger is probably more pleasant than frustration (at least you have a feeling of control, you can still go and explode in front of someone - perhaps I should stay at home tomorrow).

Monday, September 18th

2006-09-19T03:06:00.000+02:00

I feel itchy, I have felt very itchy ever since I walked in the front door and L told me that big dog had arrived back at the house but unfortunately has fleas. Big dog + house has been treated so it is highly unlikely I have more than a psychological itch. I did say hopefully "oh but I thought you said you would not keep her if she had fleas". Big dog will stay here and I am back to guilt runs again (e.g., tomorrow evening, have not been for 3 days).
Played tennis with grad student this evening. He enjoyed it a lot, I thought it was OK. Got a bit of a shock when he was so enthousiastic he wanted to play again this week ( I mean I like winning 6:1/6:0 but once a week, or a month, is enough). Tomorrow I have my tennis try-out at 11 am (horrible time, have a lot to do..). Am looking forward to that. Tomorrow I also get my IRB back the IRB person e-mailed me today (very kind of her, she realized I am worried). I have instructed my research assistant to work on the questionnaire and piece everything together. I did that because they are supposed to take work off my hands and learn this, but to be quite honest, I prefer to do it myself. Perhaps I should, she kept saying, should I change this. And I kept saying "NO, don't change anything" but what if she does and I don't realize. Student supervision is difficult, I never know whether i am doing it right, and they sit there looking so serious I keep thinking I am boring them and then I explain (too) quickly and then I worry whether they have understood my explanations.
No supervision tomorrow, just (hopefully) IRB work and my stats course. Hope to hear back from J, realized problem with phrasing of one of the main scales of the experiment. It was also inconsistent. Potentially I should be able to solve these problems myself but when it concerns important scales, and it means deviating from the phrasing of this standard scale, I don't have the nerve to decide that on my own. Am I being too dependent, or am I being sensible? Or will he send me back to Leiden as soon as he gets back because he is so fed up with me :-))
Apparently L sent him an e-mail about his overhanging trees (they have all started hanging, probably missing him). He said to go ahead and cut them down if they were hanging into her property and causing damage. At which she sent an e-mail back saying that the only damage had been to me because I backed the car into it. And I had already mentioned to J that the only accidents I ever have in cars is backing into things. he may have had a bit of a giggle at that one... I don;t giggle though, I can't listen to the radio anymore, poor me - and I have to change my cds at incredible speed because the radio comes on (and antenna goes up) whenever I do this. L's friend has offered to mend it this weekend, now I really have to get baking with some Dutch cakes (because I can't cook them I decided to make the ever famous and delicious "Tanhouse biscuits" instead - just need to ask my mother for the recipe.
Time to switch to the TV screen again....

September 17th

2006-09-18T02:50:00.000+02:00

The weblog has competition: 16 sex in the city dvd's I borrowed from T. Bliss, finally I can lie in front of the TV brainlessly again!
For all those people who are laughing at me for playing soccer: I am getting better, I even get praised, and I managed to aim some hard shots today - even scoring a goal (ehrm, we did not have a goalee today though). I will be moved back to mid field in the next game, we have had to have a strategy rethink because we played so badly in the last game. No one paid much attention to my strategy contributions, why not??? If we win on Wednesday we go on to the tournament. I hope we do!
On Tuesday morning I have the tennis try-out. The coach actually called me to say it was too rainy and whether i could manage Tuesday. 11 am, great time, if I always have to play at these times I may not be playing much..
The IRB has promised me feedback by Monday, Tuesday at the latest. A relief (I can run next week Tuesday!), and a stressor (should I try to run earlier?). So you see I always manage something to worry about. Had 4 wonderful worry free hours of complete relaxation with another person - probably the first time since I have been here. I did not realize how much I had missed it until I experienced it again: T and I went shopping together and evaluated each others clothes, chatted about all sorts of things and ended up having a salad dinner together. It was such fun, made me very happy!
One more J-less week to go. I am not pleased with him right now. THanks to his tree that was hanging into our drive way after a storm I now have a broken antennae and another scratch on my car. How was I to know backing into an overhanging tree would have such drastic consequences? L laughed very loudly when I asked whether I could hold J liable for the damage :-))
Big dog is coming back again this evening. I guess I was a little too positive about her when I thought she was leaving anyway (all I said is that I could look after her this weekend because I have more time to let her out then - and because I am too much of a chicken to sleep in the house alone with only a little cavalier king charles spaniel, did not say that). i was so looking forward to some guilt-free running this week (which will be hard enough with soccer match and tennis game planned already).
Hmm, perhaps it's time to watch just one more session of sic...

September 15th

2006-09-16T02:14:00.000+02:00

Today has been my doggy day. In fact as I write my hands are being licked and my knee kept nice and warm. I got to work late having to let them out and left work at 4 pm in order to shop before going home. As usual the shoppery took longer than expected (but at least this time not because I got lost: I even finally manage to find the shortcut home which really pleased me. Did not manage to shop without once again proving I cannot yet mingle in the big crowd. Was unloading part of my enormous shopping cart full of food (this is only my 4th time shopping in one month) when the cassiere said "do you only have 12 items mam". OBviously not so I had to load everything back into my cart while the person in front of me said "I've never seen that happen before now". Rub it in.
Work is starting to be more productive at the office as well. I have hung up all the fotos I have and bought 3 posters (my roommate may be a little shocked when she gets back from her trip to Germany next week..). Somehow that helps me settle down to things rather than resenting my gray hole. And I had my ultimate moment of pleasure today (sometimes I am a little externally motivated) when J e-mailed me and said he liked the reasoning behind my new idea. I had thought of that suddenly yesterday morning, put it on paper in between phone calls with my love and e-mails with all the rest and then pressed send (it's funny but when I have good ideas I can't sit still anymore, keep distracting myself). I really liked the idea, but it is great when someone confirms that (whether it will work is another question and he did say we have to think about it. But I like the direction we are going in, these ideas excite me - and that's been awhile since I last had that).
Tomorrow I am really going to try and take myself to a mall to buy just one more pair of trousers, but I also need to take the dog out for a long walk and go running. On Sunday I have soccer practice and go to the farmer's market, so the weekend is quite full. I do hope to find some evening activity for tomorrow. As part of the soccer team I have been invited to a party, but as of yet have not found anyone I know who is going - and I am not going without knowing someone fairly well. I spent 2 evenings in a bar feeling inadequate and boring this week, have had enough of that - which is one reason why I am staying alone at home this evening.
It is also absolutely pouring here, so much so that big dog just sat down in the middle of the road halfway through our weight loss walk and refused to carry on - just when a car was coming. We had to turn around and come home. To test her I tried another road off right from the house, she plonked herself down again and looked at me resentfully.

September 13th

2006-09-14T03:15:00.000+02:00

So yesterday I had my first official soccer match ever - I managed to stand out as usual by not having an id number and being the only one to wear sunglasses (and be called out because of them). But it was fun. I was in the attack (Still don't understand why they put me there). Which meant I could run a lot and make myself available ay the goal. I would say that by now my only real problem is that I can't shoot the ball hard - the goalee had a great time catching the balls that came slowly soaring towards him. At least our team did have some women who can play soccer, compared to the other team. We won (well we did get a 2:0 headstart because the other team did not have enough women and had to delay starting). After that we went to a bar on campus - where they DID NOT SERVE WINE. Terrible.
Workwise I am frustrated at the moment. I ferry between computer room and my room because I don't have net id and can't therefore access the internet (Finally got myself guest id today, but my net id should have been in last week at the latest). When I am not ferrying I am being a nuisance at the secretary's office ("have you called about my net id?"). And the rest of the time I spend waiting for the IRB to give their comments. I want to run my study in 10 days time, but they are taking a long time to process it and this feels like complete stagnation when I have so little time here. If J were here he could perhaps just inquire (don't know, but perhaps he could tell me whether to inquire, opinions differ on that one). I have enough to do but I don't want to do other things, want to be working on my research.I could work on the follow up but it does to a large extent depend on what we find in the present study. And then there was another idea we were thinking about but I was not convinced and have a whole pile of questions so designing a study for that right now does not seem ideal either. J is sending me frequent e-mails, even asking me whether I am settling in and how I am and whether I am managing to keep busy. He seems to have got the (correct) impression that I am not overly busy, now I have been asked what my ideas for a follow up study are. So that's my task for tomorrow (morning).
Oh, and I have got myself more on track again with activities. Today I went to the 'rec center' and signed up for a hike to the ragged mountains. My research assistant supervises these hikes and she told me to come sometime. And they did not sputter about my lack of id number or American insurance card. Amazing! And while I was there I went and nagged the tennis coach again because his assistant had not called me for a try-out. She turned slightly red when she saw me - but still was not keen on trying me out until she heard she only had to hit a ball for about 15 minutes. I don't care as long as something finally happens that is becoming more tennis like (although I am playing a grad student Friday afternoon - but he is not that good I think). So try-out tomorrow at 11 if it does not rain (which is the forecast..). And tomorrow evening I have dinner with T., just the 2 of us. Look forward to that.
That's it from me, gotta read someone else's weblog now.

September 11th

2006-09-12T02:29:00.000+02:00

My day started by picking up two loads of dogshit (federal law prohibits the shitting of dogs as well), it ended walking for an hour through Coventry back lanes with a bag of dogshit. I love dogs, but I hate the cleaning up aspect of them - they seem to feel that and make sure I have to do it at least once when I take them out.
The rest of the day was not too great either. I am tired, and when I am tired I don't feel so happy, and I am dying just to spend an evening talking to someone, not about work but other things. Just talking would be nice, really talking, like you do with people you know well (which restricts the number of persons available for such an activity here). I am not homesick, I am just tired and feeling a little lonely. The tiredness has dampened my activity, I should go to the rec center and try to register for hiking and a tennis tournament. ANd I should call the tennis coach and ask him why he did not offer me a try-out. And whatever I try to do I will probably hear I am a liability and can;t participate. But then I should at least e-mail T and suggest dinner and e-mail D and suggest a tennis session. But I don't feel like calling or e-mailing.
Tomorrow evening soccer game, official one this time. Another grad took part in the Sunday one and she is about as good as I am and said she really enjoyed it. So, who knows, I may too. T is even rethinking participation!
Perhaps I should send some of those e-mails, feeling miserable alone at home has never helped..

September 9th

2006-09-11T02:26:00.000+02:00

It's been a while, it's been busy. But I am back, with a Sunday evening glass of wine to tell you of my ostracism experiment. There is a well known ostracism paradigm, which produces extremely strong effects. A participant comes into the lab and 2 confederates are throwing one another a ball, they also throw it to the participant three times, and then continue only throwing to one another. Participants experience very strong emotional reactions to this exclusion paradigm. So do I. I found that out on Thursday evening when I took part in football practice and was part of a 3 men team. They did not shoot me the ball once, even though I was always free, and they did not talk to me, only to one another, and they did not even realize when I stopped doing anything (to test whether they would realize). TO my great disgust I nearly cried, it took immense self control and a lot of deep breathing to survive that first half, and the break. I was then switched by T's boyfriend (=only one who realized what was going on) to the other team. T asked why I don;t stop going, I refuse to give up. I know I can get better and I want to show them that. And, if I don;t cry next time I am going to tell them I am part of the team too and that they should share the ball with me.
T and boyfriend D took me out for dinner after that, where I could get annoyed at a hopeless unfriendly waitress, actually helped (still have to find a good restaurant here).
Friday I finally submitted my paper (long term Leiden project that was), gave me a headache and red head and made sure I could not be very productive after that. Also have accepted 2 RAs (=research assistants). Both are very enthousiastic and I like them and get on well with them. Only thing that worries me is that they are also both very busy, and I don;t know whether other people expect their RAs to work some weeks fulltime every now and then when they run studies. MIne could not I fear. Should probably have found that out before accepting them but the other option was the RA I talked about a few days ago, and to be honest this seemed like a far more attractive option. Friday evening I bumped my way to a faculty buffet dinner and party (they live at the end of a dirt track). Was actually fun I found. Got to know some more graduate students (as well as the husband of the person giving the party, who will invite me to a piano recital at his house, he said - only occurred to me afterwards I was not sure I would feel very comfortable going to that, I like music but perhaps not as much as I appeared to in front of him..) After the party we went to a very downtown (down village more like) place and played pool. Was fun. I then spent half the night wide awake, not used to drinking diet coke instead of wine (Yes, cars do have some disadvantages). Saturday morning bright and early L and I were going to leave for BOston. THat meant i had to get up even brighter and earlier as an unforeseen remark by me has lumbered me with an obese dog for 2 weeks and she had to be let out, as did B because he hates being left out of things (I had said that after 2 weeks running with me she'd be thin again - next day I was told that the owner thought that was a good idea. But I don't dare take her on my 6 mile runs, she'd have a heart attack). Anyway, L asked what I wanted to see in Boston and whether I had looked up activities. I had 2 ideas (seemed enough to me). Little did I know that L likes organization and planning. She thought I would read the entire guide (in some ways she does not know me well yet) and have a plan for the whole day. I said I just start walking and see what happens ("Boston is big" I was told). So everytime we did not quite know where to go, out would come the map and we would have to sit down to plot the route. We ended up giggling at one another - and discovered that otherwise we are quite compatible in towns, we looked at a beautiful museum/house of a lady who collected art and furniture in the 18th century - Isabella Gardner, (my suggestion by the way) and both loved it. That to me was the highlight (just as well given that Blove told me today that I had missed almost all the other Boston sights I should have seen - maybe I should start reading guide books...). I was actually very glad to get back to Coventry. I feel no need to be in towns at the moment, love this peaceful rural life, walking out late at night into the field and looking at the full moon.
work wise next week may be a little more peaceful. J is sending me frequent mails to see how I am (well, today's was to enquire which BElgium beer he should drink, I'd told him to drink a duvel for me). Tomorrow I tell my RAs what to do the coming weeks. I hope by tomorrow afternoon I know what they should do... Have no idea at the moment how to fill 12 hours of someone elses time (that is how much they should work per week, combined together). Perhaps they can do my stats homework for me?
Gotta let out dog.

September 6th

2006-09-07T02:42:00.000+02:00

I just realized I have only had my car (drivable) for 1 week and 2 days and I have only been here for a little more than 2 weeks. Both seem like an age. I really feel like I've been here for months - although not if I think how often I still embarrass myself (at least once a day) because I do something that does not fit into this culture (like being too jovial with an assistant professor - happened today and I could feel people cringing, at which I turned brick red; or well, saying toilet instead of restroom, that's when people generally look suprised). I just continuously feel I am different, don't know whether it is my accent or what I say? Probably both.
Today I interviewed another research assistant. She was very nervous and she really did say a series of things she would have been better off not saying ("I forgot what you were doing research about"; "I am a bit behind on my studies so far"; "Do I have to work in the weekends"). She seemed keen on the job but I must say that was not a good first impression and I can't judge whether she would be better when not nervous - and she does have to interact with my participants. Trouble is I don;t have that much choice. I am now sharing one good RA with another grad student and I am waiting to hear from the person I interviewed yesterday, he was good but had little time. Everyone else has managed to find tons of them and I am frustrated.
Otherwise not much happened today, I had my "personal development" class which is interesting. Somethings are going to be helpful, others I realize I am at a later or different stage in my dissertation. we had to talk about roadblocks in our dissertation today and bring in the 'best advice' we could find on internet. I think I am lucky because I like writing, so many people's comments were focused on that.
B is a bit smelly here on my knee, he sometimes aims somewhat unfortunately when being let out, I have to ask where his doggy shampoo is so I can do something about it. Next weekend I get to look after him, look forward to that (must definitely find the doggy shampoo before then!).
This Friday we have a faculty do and everyone has to bring some food. I had just gone shopping yesterday when I heard it today -means I have to go again before Friday. It takes so long to shop, at least one hour. The closest shop without getting lost should be about 15 minutes, but then they are so big, by the time I have navigated through and got home I feel like I've been on an expedition. And all the grad students say "you have to go to the do" in a way that it sounds like an ordeal. I always like our faculty outings in Leiden. But then I worry about myself. Everyone seems so informal here but there is this hidden hierarchy I need to pay attention to. So not more than one glass of wine for me and keep that rule salient in my head.
Tomorrow I talk to a grad student who wants to work with me (she said she had read my article but could not remember what it was about or who had written it). J told me to let her take the lead so I hope I don't have to do too much.

September 5th

2006-09-06T03:26:00.000+02:00

At 12.15 today I handed in my IRB! Someone asked me whether I was relieved. The answer is no, I was worried. I spent 1 month working on this and was terrified I might have done something wrong or made some stupid mistake i overlooked. There were so many pages to hand in, surely something must be incorrect. And as soon as I handed it in I started worrying about something else, my lack of research assistants. Everyone is having interviews with piles of them, I have 2 interviews lined up - and I need 2 assistants. My roommate had promised to hand on hers to me, now I hear her, today, promising to hand on to someone else as well. THat annoyed me, very much. And I made clear I was not pleased, and so she kept asking me what to do, when I told her she did not want to do that either, so why ask me I wonder. Why does no one want to be my RA? Other people have hung up posters and had many responses, I have had none. Was my poster too late, or was it not good? I copied T's (with some adjustment). SHe got loads of RA's. Well, my first interview today went well, very enthousiastic student who really came because he liked my topic of research and we got on well. Only problem is he does not know whether he wants/can work for 6 hours a week for me. I fear he is going to call off which would be a shame (and leave me with a problem).
Otherwise I followed statistics class today. I actually find it quite interesting, just find it a shame the teacher does not like my questions, he never understands them and then looks like he might sigh when he does. With other people he says "that's a good question"(but then they generally start out by saying, this may be a stupid question) . Perhaps I should try that.
One of my friends said that she did not read all my weblogs because I am writing an entire bookwork. Should I see that as a compliment? It makes me feel like I come across as someone who finds herself so interesting she thinks everyone will find all her news fascinating. I don't is the answer, this is a nice way of filling my (sometimes empty) evenings and keeping in touch when I am far away. i look forward to this moment in the day and often take a glass of wine up with me to accompany the writing process. So, I know I may be boring some of you, but my advice would be to indeed skip reading all my weblogs - but not to tell me.
To end on a happy note: I am going to visit an old family friend whom I have not seen for 18 years (last time was when I was in the States for half a year) coming weekend. Am greatly looking forward to that! And now I am going to finally read my book, some IRB treat should be allowed (given I spent the first part of the evening doing homework, again).

September 4th

2006-09-05T03:29:00.000+02:00

Today was labor day, and I was fed up with working and not being able to go anywhere because i had to work. So I decided to go somewhere and L and I left, with B on the back seat, for a hike along a lake. We drove back with a pungent wet lake smell in our car - that was B after a dive into the lake. Got home and ready for my soccer practice. I realize I don;t like doing sports I am not as good at as others. I had the tendency to shout "but I play really good tennis" every time I missed a goal - which was a number of times. The opposite team was not even bothering to cover me. But, by the end of the practice match I had shot 2 goals and feeling a little more in control of the ball. And I had the feeling I was being covered now and then, but not sure about that... We practice again on Thursday and as of next week we start playing other teams (there are 51 teams taking part!).
Had the ultimate feeling of loneliness as I walked to my car and drove home, don;t know why, perhaps it was walking with D and T who were about to discuss one of T's design problems? It was not homesickness, just feeling alone. Perhaps also because J left today, and my world of people I talk to (really talk to, who ask me how I am, and also know how I am) is very small here - only really 3 people of whom one is gone for what seems like an awfully long time. Although he did keep saying he would be in e-mail contact and even offered me 'his itinary infromation' (probablyso I could call in the worst case). I do not need that but it is sweet. He said his graduate students are like children to him (only they listen more) and that's the way he does treat me. LUckily the loneliness disappeared once I got home. Spent an evening alone here with B, actually doing statistics homework but it was cosy and he lies behind me (on my bed!!!) as we speak. He did try to grovel at my underwear again but I am getting a feel for his naughty moments (found him in L's bed eating doggy cookies earlier this evening).
TOmorrow I have to get up very early. I want to hand in the IRB (my research proposal for the ethical committee) but still have a number of things to do, and I may be called for a tennis try-out and would not want to miss that - although by now I am sincerely hoping they will not call, I really don't have time for this tomorrow. I am a bit stressed, the IRB is the most important, the sooner it goes in the sooner it will be reviewed, but I don't want to miss my statistics classes either. And I am not sure i will manage both... This trip to the States is proving hard work. I may not yet be driving my car everywhere yet but I have already reached the state of living for my work (I was already worried how I would work next weekend given I am going to BOston and to Avon).

september 3d again

2006-09-04T04:05:00.000+02:00

I don;t have much to say today because all I did the whole day was work. I heard myself say during my meeting with J that I could finish the research proposal by the end of the day - and then he would be able to scan it before he leaves, he had offered. I asked again to make sure at the end, and yes, he did want it today. Me sits down and discovers that the idea of also running and cleaning might not work out. It seemed like I did not have that much left to do but when you get down to the nitty gritty details on Sunday afternoon things start looking different. I managed to send it off at the end of the day, go for a run and take L out for dinner on time. Just never got round to reading the newspaper, my book, listening to music, cleaning or any other standard weekend activity. Tomorrow is a bank holiday here, only problem is I realized I have a pile of homework left to do for my statistics course, so that's on the agenda for tomorrow (and I can tell you I''d rather work on my research proposal than do that...). But, to look on the bright side, soccer training at the end of the afternoon. And I prefer having a lot to do then the empty days of the past weeks.
So, that's my (comparatively) boring weblog of a rainy SUnday.

september 3d

2006-09-03T06:45:00.000+02:00

Yes, I made it through one day without logging, wel kind of. Just back from my round of poker. I will need to practice a little more in the future, have not yet quite got the hang of it but enjoyed myself anyway. Got there an hour early for a practice session but ended up talking to T the whole time so not very much practice it was + that she did not have a card deck so had to write everything on paper to explain.
Otherwise I talked a lot on the phone today, worked a lot too and visited the consignment shop of L's friend in Coventry and bought a blouse. We then continued on to the son of L;s friend who cranked up my car to check out the klonk. He says everything looks good! I now happily drive over potholes again. We did decide to take the spare tyre out of the car just to test whether that was causing it. I ended up running down the entire hill and fishing it out of the bushes - thought I'd manage to stop it at the garage but it got away and would not be stopped. L was standing at the top of the hill shrieking with laughter (while I did the same at the bottom of it).
So, should be off to bed, came home on time to be fit for last J meeting tomorrow. And need to do some more work before we meet. I am adjusting to American culture far too quickly, actually enjoyed working today..

September 1st

2006-09-02T04:14:00.000+02:00

Weekend. And it's evolving into a less scary one than I had worried it might be. Went to play tennis with T and D today and then off for dinner. I was driving behind them (they are a couple) and painfully realized that my other couple half is far away and would not be joining us at the restaurant. My weekends usually start by reading the newspaper in bed with my other couple half and giggling as he tries to ignore me reading parts of it to him. My other couple half does not like talking very much before at least 2 cups of coffee. Wish I could bring him those cups tomorrow morning.
So, back to Coventry life. Tomorrow I will have another attempt at trying to find a faster way to the shops, and try not to spend such a long time trying to find my way in them. I hate shopping here, it is tooo big. And maybe I will have my car checked as well. It klonks but only when I drive over bumpy parts. We have tried to locate the klonk, 2 people think it is at the back of the car, I think it is at the front - but perhaps I should check whether the tire in the back is not lose or suchlike. I do not want to have to leave my car behind for labor day weekend (would mean only getting it back on Tuesday). But I am at the moment also wary of driving long distances with it until the klonk has been checked.
Tomorrow is also the day of poker, and the day of work. J wants me to come by (or perhaps he does not want but we would have had to have a more organized meeting today, I said I had a long list of things but he was here there and everywhere - and said going away for 3 weeks seemed like such a nice idea a few months ago, but not anymore). So Sunday I go by but I want my manipulations entirely finished by then. Sunday eve I take L out to celebrate the getting of the car. i was at an orientation of the international center today with 6 other people and I was the only one who already had a car. Felt so proud of myself. Otherwise it was a worthless intro, why not make sure people have an opportunity to get to know one another? We were sat there, the person introduced himself for 10 minutes and then started on all sorts of visa issues (he did ask each which country we came from). Then we were ferried out of the room again. And they don't really organize activities, yes a bustrip tomorrow but that he announced was already full. Useless, and a waste of time. Have offered to send 2 people info about how to be succesful at the dmv (maybe I should write a book..).
Oh and monday we seem to be playing sokker! I would not call this a social life yet, but it is better than nothing. And on Tuesday I may be allowed to come by for a tennis try-out. If I am acceptable they may let me hit with some women from the women's team (although the training is still a no-go for me). Just a bit wary about itbecause the person would not agree on a time with me but said she would call. I hope she wont pull out. Could not find info about any tennis club in the area, have not seen courts either. So who knows I may be running marathons by the time I get back..

August 31st

2006-09-01T03:24:00.000+02:00

American culture is weird. I finally managed to speak to someone from the uconn tennis section. THey only have tennis teams that compete at a fairly high level. But I can't compete because it's only for undergraduates and I am not an undergraduate. Can I come and train with them? No, because of liability issues, if something happened to me and I was not a member of the team there would be a big problem. Can that not just be my problem, I am medically insured. So, no training for me. I am allowed to come by and they will have a look at how well I play and then maybe someone will be prepared to hit some extra balls with me - but those someones are likely to be undergraduates who are 12 years younger than I am. I wonder how that will work out.
Also have been looking for walking clubs. There is a coventry running club that meets every Saturday at 7.45 am for a work out - I don't think so!
Anyway, tomorrow I will continue my alcohol hunt - they make drinking difficult. Yesterday they kept announcing at the store that it was nearly 9pm and that we could not buy any beer after that. It was only 8.15 on both my watches but I did not dare take any beer with me, as I only finished my shopping at 8.30 (= "after 9 pm"). And I already knew I was going to make a bit of a fool of myself by asking where I was. I am continuously making a fool of myself. I don't think I was supposed to help the cassiere pack my shopping either, no one else does - but she was kind of slow and it felt odd to stand there doing nothing.
Tomorrow is J's last day for the coming 3 days. I start running my experiment the day he gets back so we have a lot to sort out in our last (only 1 hour) meeting tomorrow. I wish he were not going, it scares me. I need him. He's even driven me out of the university campus when he heard I got lost on the way in - after stopping me in my car to yank at my emergency break and then telling me NOT to use it EVER ("no, not even when you park on a hill"). But that obviously is not why I need him, it's the research support. I was having a bad day yesterday, both privately and workwise. The work part I told him (I don't think this is a good manipulation says me - and to my disgust feel tears welling up, can luckily keep them down). He says "I always think my ideas are great when I first think of them, then I hate them and after that I think they are OK". That helped, and he helps because he listens to my ideas and then develops them (or says this is ok for now, this is the FIRST study).
SO I guess any weblog reader (if there are any, have still not got many e-mails so I believe not many people are reading here...) will be glad J. is leaving, no more J stories (but we may get more B stories and is that any better? I wont tell the last one, L would not like that - it was slightly embarrassing)
This weekend I play poker. I get a one hour lesson before the rest of the group arrives so I don't lose too much money. What a person will not do to get out of the house... Sunday evening I take L out for a thank you dinner. OTherwise it is supposed to rain this weekend... I am going to try and find a walking map in any case. And some shops.
Now off to bed, lots to do before meeting tomorrow morning (was hoping it would be in the afternoon, preferably the last person - always get more time then...).

August 30th

2006-08-31T03:55:00.000+02:00

First things first: I have a car. And that makes me very happy. And i have been having some very interesting discussions with J., which makes me happy too. What makes me less happy is trying to sleep, that is not working very well. And then the days seem less sunny as well. I felt lonely today, for the first time I think. I miss having a social life, being able to go play tennis. BUt I have had no energy or time left to organize that part of my life here (save emailing a number of people who never responded). Tomorrow I am going to try and organize some tennis.
And this evening I decided, after a run, to finally get my shopping done. So off I go in my car. I guess you can feel it coming, I got entirely lost, very much so in fact. TOok me 1.5 hours to get my shopping done. BUt you know, Americans are really extremely nice. I asked in the store if they could tell me where I am. The cassiere made the effort of asking someone else, and then I am sitting in my car trying to find my way on the map when a man comes up and offers help again - he had been behind me in the queue. Thanks to him I managed to find my way back. I decided to take the safe route through the center of COventry (safe in thatI knew how to get home from there). Just my lack that it was closed off due to some accident. Had to stop and mapread myself back where i had come from and up some country roads - nearly hit a skunk too, and they really stink I can tell you. Sometimes you can smell them in the car (made the mistake of saying to L that it smelt a bit like B, she said "that was a skunk" in rather an offended way). I am going to try and sleep once again now. LUckily not so many meetings tomorrow. Am getting more to do again as I have to do homework for 2 courses ( i have not had to do homework in years(And I discovered that in order to get a parking place on campus you have to be there before 9 am so have to leave here early). Took me 20 minutes to find myself a parking space this morning....

August 28th

2006-08-29T03:27:00.000+02:00

This one is not going to be very amusing or interesting, so skip it if you don't feel like it (there's enough else to read below).
My birth certificate arrived today and I went to work. I did not enjoy my day at work, which is a shame when you spend so much time longing to go to work. I need feedback, I have reached the idea bashing stage - rightly so as it turned out when T. could not understand what the idea behind my experiment was. And she still didn't after 1 hour (and she's bright). It's me, I have these ideas which I find interesting but when I try to put them into an experiment, or even concrete hypothesis they become so complicated. And now I don't know what to do, I have reached precisely the same point I did last year when I told N we should maybe drop this idea, that it was too problematic and therefore perhaps simply not very good. And then people ask me what I really find interesting, J. did. And I can say it in abstracto but I can't seem to translate it into an interesting study. Why not? I always, always, and really always get stuck at this point - and then I need supervision, and that is not a good thing. And right now I don't have access to it. And I need to know so many things before J leaves for 3 weeks coming Saturday, I'd need him for about 2 hours (minimum). WE have not yet decided on manipulations, the design, the IRB needs to be handed in, I need research assistants (think I was meant to get them tomorrow but have to go to dmv, am having to but J again to ask whether it is tomorrow and if yes, how late?) and most of all I want to discuss our ideas. Frustration. Good for running though, managing my 5 (or 4.5?) km run in 30 minutes. And B enjoys it too because he gets taken for walks. And he's played with, doggy life is good - think I'll try to be a dog in a next life.
As far as this life is concerned I am doubtful as to how to proceed. Normally I would wait for a meeting and then bring up my concerns,but I am trying to be more independent so I should go to the meeting, bring up my concerns + my solution. THe only problem is that I don't have one. THat makes option 2 kind of difficult.
Time to stop thinking about work. I am going to play football, I agreed to that after 1 chardonnay glass, 1 beer + 1 ? cocktail - which is not so extreme that I assume I must have thought about it to some extent before saying yes (was I asked?). A number of graduate students are trying to put together a co-ed football team and they are having trouble finding women. I told them I was pretty hopeless and they have permission to dump me after the first practice session but they (well at least the student who was driving me home) seemed enthousiastic. So we'll see. THere seems to be a similar inter university construction for tennis but I am not sure I feel like playing competition again. Have enough to be nervous about without tennis court nerves. As soon as I have a car I will try and drive myself to a tennis court - someone e-mailed me a location, without any further info (which was not what i had asked for....). Until then I will give D and T a practice session, which should be fun (if I ever get to uni to do so).
Time for bed.
Oh and by the way, just because I write a weblog does NOT mean I don't LIKE getting e-mails!!!!

August 27th

2006-08-28T02:02:00.000+02:00

Rain. And everyone keeps telling me it has not rained here for so long. J. is happy he does not have to water his lawn anymore. I would happily water it for him if it would just get nice and hot and sunny again.
Finally activated L.'s bike and had even persuaded myself to go to the supermarket with it (5 miles downhill = 5 miles uphill with a backpack full of shopping). But then she could not find the key to the bike lock so in a way I was quite relieved, except that I've spent the entire day indoors apart from a visit to a farmer's market. I just hope my fedex package arrives before 12 pm tomorrow because that is when I am being picked up to go to work - by someone who tends to work untill 11pm. I am considering taking my jogging stuff with me so I can at least run home. But then what do I do with my laptop, hmm.
L. sweetly cooked for me this evening because she realized I wanted to go shoppping because I am tired of my food - and i have finally recovered my appetite, which makes my food seem even less attractive.
So the working week starts again tomorrow. I can't think about anything except whether I will manage to get my car registered on Tuesday. I can't think of anything that can be wrong, but that's precisely what scares me. If I still don't have all I need, will I ever be able to get it, or will i be stuck with a car I can't drive? I am going to be sooo happy if things work out on Tuesday. i will drive myself to work and go and tell everyone I finally have a car. And then I will drive myself to a grocery store and spend hours looking around without anyone waiting for me, and I will drive myself somewhere, on my own, with the radio on, and take myself for a walk. All dreams, will they become reality? More on Tuesday.

August 26th

2006-08-27T23:48:00.000+02:00

Feeling much better again today after a nice evening in Hartford yesterday. Must tell story about that but first should relay my dmv experience. SO I go there with L on THursday, I have everything I was told by this man on the dmv phone line to take + anything else I had that was official. Stand in the first queue (who does one write that?) to get my state id card which I need to register the car. I am given a list of things I need, almost none of which the dmv guy had told me about. But we're getting there. Only then the man behind the couner says: I need a second form of identificaiton, your passport is not enough. Oh fine says me, here is my driver's license. NO good says he. How about my Dutch residence permit, I use that as id in Europe. "NO we don';t accept that says he". What do you want from me then? By this time I am red in the face and L confirms I have gone blotchy, as I always do. WEll, a college registration card ("but I am not registered here"), a marriage certificate ("I'm not married - haven't been asked"), a divorce certificate (nope, not divorced yet either) or a birth certificate (shit, thinks me, that's in Utrecht - at least I hope it is). And you need to have it translated by a recognized translator. IN the mean time we can already run you through immigration, that should speed things up. Run me throug immigration?? DO they think I am going to put my car outside the uconn building and blow it up or something?? By this time L was completely exploding so I had to be extremely nice to this dmv guy to make up for her accusing questions (and there's a sign hanging there that they dont accept abusive language - I know why they've had to hang that one up!!). Anyway, why do I tell this story? BEcause yesterday evening I went out to a restaurant. IN the car I was saying: I am dying for a drink, it's been a long week with the dmv. I get to the restaurant and am asked to show my id. I had taken my driver's license along. They stare at it and ask whether i have any other form of identification. I pull out my residence permit (by this time this is starting to feel like a familiar situation). THe waitress takes both off to the manager who returns to the head of the table and tells all 12 of us (i quote): Federal law forbids us to serve alcohol to persons who dont either have a US driver's license, state identification card or passport with them. I was flabbergasted. So the waiter comes back to me and asks what I would like instead of the glass of chardonnay I had ordered. I felt like walking out of the restaurant (as did T who is Isreali and had the same problem) but we were all so hungry by then. LUckily i did manage to get alcohol in the other 2 bars we went to. This country does not cease to amaze me! Today I am having a nice and peaceful day - was going to do some work reading but am not sure I'll get round to that... THis evening L, her friends and I are going out for dinner and to the movies. So nice she just asks me along. I like her so should get on well with her friends. Oh yes and I have already been out with B. who had me using doggy bags for him twice, as if he had heard me saying I hated collecting dog shit. We are getting very close :-))) Enough for now.

August 25th

2006-08-26T00:20:00.000+02:00

Today was the first day since I got here that I really did not feel very happy. I lie awake at least 1.5 hours every night and can't get to sleep either so I guess it's not that surprising. Have still not got round to discussing my research content wise with J.
I went to the university today, and it was a bit daunting with so many people I did not know. My room is small, gray and does not have a window. Once I saw the room some of the other graduate students share (a broom cupboard with 3 desks) I realized I am lucky. But nothing works yet so I can't use internet, don't have a phone or a computer )at least there is one there but it won't do anything. but it is nice to go somewhere else for a change.
Unfortunately, and that did not improve the mood, a Israeli graduate student told me she had a very cheap car insurance that insured her without a driver's license. She pays about 900 dollars less than I do. That really bugged me and then j. said I might be able to revoke my insurance within 3 days and get the money I paid via credit card back. That made me feel even less happy, the thought of even more phone calls and the whole procedure all over again. But for that amount of money I am going to have to look into it. That will cost me another working day. I really thought I had found the only insurance that would insure me without a US driver's license.
Time to stop. In half an hour I am being picked up by a graduate student and taken to Hartford for a night out. I wonder how long their nights out last.... But I am looking forward to it, is nice to get some kind of social life.
More tomorrow. Luckily the car insurance offices are closed at the weekend so I can't make any calls.

August 24th

2006-08-25T03:24:00.000+02:00

I had written a weblog for today, but, in the trend of the day managed to switch off my computer by mistake. Had enough of computers, and definitelyhad enough of the dmv.

August 23d

2006-08-24T04:35:00.000+02:00

Why do I always feel I am doing things wrong. We were looking for the number of a house we were supposed to be at, had been for 10 minutes. SO I find a letterbox without a house number, and think, well letters have numbers. And in my houses everyones letters just land on the same doormat, so I open that letterbox and try to read the adress. I get the strong impression from the reactions of my fellow travellers that that is not done, definitely not done. ANd I feel so embarrassed the rest of the evening, because I realize when I think about it that it is not done, and I probably would not even have done that with a Dutch letterbox, but everything is new, and I don't seem to think much these days. Take the car insurance. Insure myself with lowest liability because L said that should be ok -they can't sue you. Well not if I never want to enter the states again. So I have spent the whole afternoon + yesterday telling this agent I urgently need my insurance by the end of the day - which I did. And everything is faxed through on time (once I have got L out of the swimming pool to help me) - and only then, at 4.15 pm do I think,no, this is no good,I need different liability. And we start the whole process again! And of course it does not work on time. So tomorrow again I cant go to work because J will have to leave before I have received the fax + managed the dmv. I really want to go to work and meet people, not be stuck here working. The funny moment of the day, when even the insurance agent laughed was: I have a new US mobile which has keys that are the opposite to my Dutch phone's ones - otherwise the phone is exactly the same. SO instead of picking up the phone when she finally calls me I press 'ignore' - realize it and start swearing loudly, only to hear someone calling down the phone - the agent was in fact on the phone, listening to my swearing. We had a moment of mutual understanding when she said "sounds like you're having the same kind of day as I am". That helped - until I realized I did not have the buyer's agreement I need for the dmv. THe guy who sold me the car should have left it with J, but he didn;t. HEadache. Luckily a run and a beer and J's bouncy very nice Israeli graduate student helped. AND, she's said we should do something this weekend which made me very happy. NOt that I mind being on my own here, but I also feel it would be nice for L if she had the house to her own every now and then and I am not sure she banked on having someone occupying it day and evening!
SO, shoudl I also tell the disgusting Bailey dog story to end the day? L came up to me yesterday handing me a pair of undies which felt somewhat soggy, saying: "I think they may be yours". They were, and I could have sunk through the floor, wondering how I could have dropped them in the middle of the house, very embarrassing. Whether the explanation was better than thinking I had dropped my own undies I don't know: Turns out B likes to take underwear out of clothes baskets (used only) and lick it. I have felt very different about being licked by him (in the face!) today!
GOod night.

August 22nd

2006-08-23T03:42:00.000+02:00

Today I really thought I would not get round to writing a weblog, but it is a good way of turning off at the end of a long day. It started with work early this morngin and proceeded to Jale in J.'s car. Jale is so beautiful I carried my laptop aruond unused for 2.5 hours staring at all the beautiful university buildings. It reminds me of Oxford. J took me to meet someone in my area whomwe had a nice chat and also discussed my research with. It's going to be quite an adjustment going back home.... I then got back and was scheduled for a 6.30 apres dinner meeting. I should have made it an apres dinner meeting - was starving hungry when I got back at 8.15 and spent 15 minutes staring at the stars on the balcony to try and get into a relaxed evening mode. HOpe toachieve that somewhere in the coming hour.
Oh and THursday hopefully is d-day. I may just be able to get all the documents I need to get my car registered (only hiccup could be I also need to have a connecticut ID card made to register and worry they may refuse to do both in one go - J andL have warned me the dmv is the most terrible experience, and will be a low in my stay here). I drove the car down the driveway - only trouble I had was adjusting the seat, managed to open the boot instead, never managed to get the seat to my leg length.
More tomorrow.

August 21st

2006-08-22T03:01:00.000+02:00

Someone told me one should not write ablog every day as it gets boring to read. but boring reading is not boring writing...
I have also had such an interesting day! Spent the whole morning reading about how to register my car and calling the dmv (registration office) with various questions. THen J took me to Storrs to get an ID card and register at the international office. ANd you know how long that took me: 2 hours. Why? Because I was 3 minutes from the second office but then, after reading a map, walked in the wrong direction. By the time I found where I wanted to be I was so disoriented I could not find the psychology building anymore (and no, map reading does not help as all buildings are identifiable by names and I did not know the name). And so I had to walk back to the first building and from there back to the psychology building - only to discover I had even passed the psychology building on my way there. Is that worse than booking yourself in for a flight with baby food or not?
Otherwise I am feeling very happy here - although have this gnawing feeling I should maybe start getting down to some work, and will I still feel so happy when I reread my research proposal? ANyway, for now I am happy and tomorrow I go to Yale and NEwhaven with J. (and I am taking my laptop to do some work there!)

August 20th number 2

2006-08-21T02:44:00.000+02:00

Happier, luckily. Survived first day which I was most scared of. In fact survived well and happily. Mainly thanks to L. (person I rent a room from) I would say, as well as the fact that when I woke up again I discovered this beautiful view and enormous balcony. This house looks out on a grassy field with woody hills all around. I am really going to enjoy this. And when I finally found L. again after having had my second cold shower since I arrived (could not find the hot water) she suggested we go for lunch somewhere and then do some grocery shopping. Sooo nice not to be alone. Grocery shopping is difficult here. NOt comparable to my small AH. Took me ages to find what I wanted, and then you have a choice of 15 products of the same thing. What I also don't understand is why people keep getting stuck in kinds of traffic jams with their shopping carts given that the stores are about 6 times as large as my AH. I guess because you can change direction, but will conduct further research on that one.
Oh, and I have also seen my car standing in J's driveway. It looks quite nice, he has said I can drive it up and down his driveway if I like. I will!! Now all I have to do is try to get the thing registered and insured. NOt looking forward to that at all..... But I really need a car here, can't do a thing without it. I do still think I can reach Uconn from here - and may just have to bike there to prove J and K wrong.
Uff, eyes are really starting to droop now. have to keep myself awake another 45 minutes before I can go to bed - and then hope I sleep better than last night... At least my room feels cosy now, with all the cars I was sent before I left + a selection of B fotos.
More tomorrow.

august 20th

2006-08-20T13:29:00.000+02:00

Homesick, I knew it would happen and it is almost worse being scared of it than having it. I am feeling so exhausted after a 24 hour journey thanks to a missed connection and more than 4 hour wait that it's not that surprising I guess. And the pouring rain does not help either - especially given it has not rained for the past month, why chose my arrival to do so?
Leaving Schiphol was not as bad as I had expected, so I hope I dont make up for it here. I'm going to try and catch some more sleep before definitely starting this day.

August 15th

2006-08-15T15:50:00.000+02:00

Panic, I am nowhere near finished with my research proposal, it is 15.45 on my last working day and I should be thinking about what to take to the States with me. Promised my supervisor to send him the proposal again today....

August 11th

2006-08-14T12:49:00.001+02:00

A relaxing Friday evening as a cure for chronic weekday insomnia – until I spent 1.5 hours talking to my supervisor, by which time it was 8 pm. Where has my Friday evening gone? Panic when I heard he thought I could make the deadline for the research proposal on Monday (this is my last weekend in Amsterdam, I will not spend it behind the computer!). Luckily that goal changed in the course of the conversation – or shall we say he became more vague about it, he is vague about deadlines. I feel so hyper I would either like to spend the coming 2 hours on the tennis courts with my tennismate and then get drunk together, or indulge in other kinds of unhealthy behavior. Both are not possible so I write my weblog instead. I just wish I could stop thinking about the 2 stupid remarks I made in 1.5 hours. Think I would score high on the chronic PHD insecurity scale – will they ever think of a cure?
So, nice weekend ahead of relaxation, hopefully a tennismatch with one of my favourite tennismates (very unlikely given the weather), a walk into Amsterdam and some bookshopping with boyfriend B. (assuming handluggage is still allowed on flights to the US buy next week Saturday – great time to be flying that direction by the way).
How will it be to leave him? When did I last live entirely alone? I know when, that was 12 years ago and it was not a success. But now, of course, being 31 and completely healthy and mature all will be well and I will have a whale of a time. Then we come to my other worst case scenario: what if I don’t want to come back. I really liked the Us last time I was there, I like the nature, the research is closer to my area and more varied (or to keep it short, the best researchers in my area work there) and the culture is in many ways attractive (although I still don’t know what to say to the many “how are you’s” I hear in the course of the day). Well, first most imminent task is to get there and make sure I pack my toothpaste in my suitcase otherwise I may strand at Schiphol (greatest fear is stranding at Washington, and S waiting for me for hours in Hartford, or this very unpleasant situation in which we discover I have no food and there are indeed no shops nearby and he feels obliged to invite me for dinner which I would feel very uncomfortable about. I don’t know how far his sense of obligation reaches – was really surprised he wanted to pick me up at the airport – he did offer that before he knew I was arriving on Saturday evening…..).
Rumination, rumination and rain rain rain.

August 12th

2006-08-14T12:49:00.000+02:00

Weird writing my weblog in word. I was for the first time in my life enjoying a wireless internet connection, it’s such fun being able to surve on your couch. To my horror the unsecured internet connection I was using disappeared yesterday, really bad timing, could they not have waited a week? I don’t want to pay for 4 months connection when I wont be using it. And now I really miss it.
Finally managed to reach the person whose room I am renting, was getting a bit worried she might have changed her mind. She sounded quite nice and she found it no problem driving me to a grocery store on Sunday. So that’s one of my worries solved, although I still don’t know what to eat on Saturday evening. New worry arose though when she told me the price of the room, its 600 dollars. I have seen flats cheaper then that. Because it was via my supervisor and she is his neighbour I assumed it would be reasonably priced. That would mean an entire grant goes towards paying the room, such a shame. Maybe I will look for something else when I get there. Every time I tell someone I’m going to buy a bike to be mobile they tell me it’s extremely hilly there. So what? I hope it’s American mentality, and not that I have to bike uphill for 40 minutes before reaching a grocery store. I keep saying “I’m Dutch I don’t mind biking up hills” (which is actually pretty stupid because we don’t have any hills in this country + I hate biking up hills). Hmm, we’ll see, I can’t imagine living out of a car either, which is just as well as I’ll probably spend part of my stay looking at my car standing in the driveway. NO one told me it’s so difficult to register a car. I think I’ll have to take a driver’s license there, just to register a car… But everything is difficult in the states, not just getting visa, also getting a mobile phone seems to be quite an experience (you need a social security number for that) – and then we haven’t even talked about doing research. I have to hand in all my experimental material to an ethical committee more than a month before I run my research – anything the subject might read I have to put on paper. And I tell them that if they get injured during my experiment the costs will be covered by their medical insurance. Could this ever happen in the Netherlands, will this country ever become so, what is it, paranoid? How come being sued can become such a problem in one country and not in others? Will we go in that direction as well in Europe or is it something American? And how did it evolve? Curious, but interesting to think about. Perhaps I’ll have some more answers when I’ve been there for a while. Last time I was there for a longer amount of time I was 13 so you don’t really notice these things (I just enjoyed the hamburgers for lunch!).
Well it’s finally stopped pouring so I’d better go shopping. My well disciplined mind tells me I could also go running now, and SHOULD go running now but I really don’t feel like it so perhaps I simply will disobey….. And it doesn’t help my insomnia either so why bother anyway!

August 9th

2006-08-09T09:33:00.000+02:00

I think it happened about 10 months ago on a big mountain in Yosemite. I decided I'd like to spend some time in the States. Why go to Storrs then, you might wonder. Well that happened to be where the person lived/worked whom I most wanted to work with. I spent a month in a pink beautiful cloud when he said he'd like to have me.
Sometimes it's good to remember that. Yesterday I had yet another good-bye dinner with friends. I am not good at them, I could cry every time I leave. What will I do without them? I don't see them that often anymore (which I feel bad about) but they are there, and that's often enough. I biked home yesterday feeling very happy to have such a nice set of friends, and realizing all the things I will miss in my life here. ONe reason I wanted to go away for a while was because I found my life here monotomous, wanted a change before things got really serious (like buying a house with boyfriend). Now I see that what I thought of as monotomous was perhaps just pleasant daily life. Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets whatsoever about leaving this country for a while, but it has also made me appreciate my life here more.
Feels weird writing my first log. How do you write it? What is the aim? Making it interesting for others to read, or being able to voice what I am thining and experiencing? Or can I do both in one? I don't think so... We'll see.