So sweet...

Friday, January 26th

Rushed home today having looked at wooden floors (+ ordered one!) to call J. Woke up this night and thought/hoped there might be bigger time difference in Memphis (were I was supposed to call him). Looked it up, no, shame. So I call but get a somewhat sleepy Jack on the phone; there was a time difference.... I called an hour earlier than arranged, felt so bad. I guess I served as the wake up call for him (he said he was awake but don't believe it) + roommate (made myself very popular there I am sure), we agreed I'd call in another half hour, at which point I managed to catch him in the bathroom, and was lucky enough to also talk to the roommate. After he had also made some dinner arrangements and got a cup of coffee I finally managed to discuss the IRB. We finished an hour later, I hope I can declare some of the phone costs at work... Then spent the next 3 hours working on the proposal I thought was finished. Have sent it off now to be handed in by someone at uconn.I find it difficult to talk to him, because I miss him when I do. I got a loud laugh at my control condition, he suggested if I needed a manipulation with someone who uses a knife I might be better off using a chef than a knife thrower. So I end up laughing about my research rather than worrying about manipulations.
Our house looks lovely still. We rented a greenwheels car to go to a shop that sells wooden floors. There we picked up 2 enormous planks of wood, oak, one misty white/grey, the other more yellowy/brown. Lugged them up to the third floor and put them in the living room. I liked them both, B had a strong preference for misty white (and I did too in the end), so misty white we ordered (before rushing home). We also introduced ourselves to our downstairs neighbours (who had been glued to the window staring at us when we last looked at the house from the outside). I think they appreciated that. They have lived there for 40 years, are very 'amsterdam'', and very talkative, but very nice. They wont become our best friends but I think we will get on well, and they keep an eye on things (and spend the entire summer in a caravan, so we can have our noisy rowdy parties then).
Well, that's about it for today, still suffering from work frustration, told B I might be manically depressive in my work - have days that I think things are going well (i.e. yesterday), next day I think what I am doing is terrible, and get completely stuck (at which point I get stressed because I want to work as fast as I did in the States and finish my dissertation asap). Right now feeling fairly satisfied that IRB is off (with slight worry I put mistake into it). Luckily we can get ourselves out of bed early again tomorrow morning for the necessary distraction: having purchased kitchen and wooden floor we now move onto the carpets.

Thursday, January 25th

Buying a house and trying to speed up your dissertation is tiring, and slightly stressful I find. I want to work quickly, but my progress is so slow. I am trying to figure out a good introduction for a set of studies that are difficult to fit into a theoretical introduction (and obviously the idea should have been to have a theoretical idea and then test it with some studies - we had one idea which was theoretically based, but somehow it does not quite fit the theoretical base well enough to make an entire introduction). And not having a key to your future house but wanting to buy kitchens, carpets and wooden floors is difficult when you need to let in people for measurements. We could have the key of the house were we not sticking to our principles. We were promised the key of the house before actual sale, but not told that we would have to pay a considerable amount of money a month to have it. So we said no. And now I regret it. The selling estate agent has been thinking about our no for a week so we can't do a thing until we hear from him.
Oh, and interacting with J has been a little difficult too. I finally ended up calling him because I am still waiting to put a study which was supposed to start running next week through the ethical committee. I called him and he said he would do it (and I could call him if I heard no more from him within 2 days), then I heard no more within 2 days so called him again, he said we should schedule a phone conversation, which we have done for tomorrow afternoon 3pm. That was about the time B and I were supposed to go and take wooden planks to our house to see how they look. So now poor B has to leave work earlier to do that before my phone conversation. He is being nice about it (said he would have done the same, I could have said no, but then I would have slowed the progress ? down even more). I just hope J is sitting behind his phone at 3pm tomorrow! And I fear there is some bad news coming, otherwise he would have finished the protocol and handed it in rather than asking me to call, I think. We'll see, I feel confident that he will not leave me in a fix whatever the problem may be. Tomorrow I have to concentrate on how to teach my bachelor students on Tuesday. People tell me it is possible to guide students into a direction of research. Trouble is, I have never done that before, I am not sure I know how to.
OK, so now I've put down all the worries. But I still love the house, it is a happy time too, just looking forward to living together. Or sitting in a kitchen shop with someone spending hours drawing a kitchen for you, including pots and pans onto the gas ring. Very sweet, but if you have already spent 5 hours looking at kitchens, and were hoping to go home, you wonder about the necessity of such details. And I look at B and have to grin, he has an entirely straight face but I know he is thinking exactly the same as I am "you don't have to colour in every part of this kitchen, we get the idea". I sat there next to him grinning.
Time for my couch!

Thursday, January 18th

Amazing storm we are having here in the netherlands. I got blown to the university, and then the blowing continued to such an extent that they have stopped all trains and advise people not to go out. I was very lucky to have a meeting in Amsterdam, otherwise I would now be stranded in Leiden. Now the people from Groningen can't get home so I am expecting a few guests this evening. And tomorrow I think I may have to stay home, they already warned us on the news that the trains would take some time to recover.
Otherwise things are ok, my talk went quite well. Got an e-mail from one of my supervisors praising me, that pleased me. And the other one said on Tuesday that it might be necessary for me to go back and see J, which pleased me a lot too. So it's been quite a good workweek. I am quite proud that I managed to find a story line to fit my data on my own. I learned a lot more in the States than I realized at the time, it has also made me more self confident. J never answered any of my questions, and made it clear to me that I generally go in the right direction. That seems to have helped.
This weekend we have parents coming to look at our house. Unfortunately it probably will only be the outside we can look at, the real estate agent is being difficult about giving us the key ahead of time, despite an oral agreement to do so. Very annoying! And I had so looked forward to showing the house!!
Well, time to go look for some sheets and bedding...

Wednesday, January 17th

Day off, but not really. I don't find working on my American research stressful or unpleasant or even worrying (except when I pressed the run button to see whether my manipulations were working as they should) so don't mind doing that on a Wednesday. I have an odd relationship with my free Wednesday since I got back. I like having it off, but want to finish my dissertation soon, and having worked so much in the States I feel like I am doing so little work here - I mean I am already taking off the weekends, and now also a day in the middle of the week...
Other activities seem to include harrassing people, the real estate agent to get us the key of the house before coming Friday, the bachelor coordinator to let me know whether I have a group of students to supervise, J to get back to me on my proposal so it can go to the IRB. Harrassment has only got me a group of studens, which I am not sure I wanted to have, I think I could have opted out of supervision but was not sure I wanted that either. Yup, guess it is one of those indecision days, can't decide whether to go running either. Not only is it raining but my ankle is hurting a little (and it did before it started raining already). Perhaps running 30 kilometers a week is too much?

Friday, January 12th + OUR HOUSE

Life is starting to feel a little more normal again, even if still engage in research bashing. Somehow my time in the States has shown me where I could have gone, and what I did wrong in my dissertation. But as I am nearing the end rather than the beginning, it's something I am going to have to live with - and suffer through, I have now spent almost the entire week trying to design a structure for my paper, and the talk I am giving on Tuesday.
Luckily the house provides good distraction, I love it. We went and measured the rooms on Wednesday, and if things go well we get the key next week (although we are officially not owners yet, there is a legal procedure we are still going through to separate the house into appartments) - yes, just wait until I have children (if), this weblog will become even more fascinating to read... And by the way, we live on the third and topmost floor.
I am avoiding my talk again, time to stop.

Monday, January 8th

Back in the netherlands. Landed at Schiphol 3 weeks ago, feeling very sad, and very happy to see B again. Amsterdam was grey and uninviting, the people who did not help me with my suitcases in the tram (until I nearly fell on top of them, then they held up their hands to stop me falling) very un-American. I wanted to take B back on a return flight to Coventry. And I so wanted to see the house, but felt so tired and depressed and weird that I dropped into bed for 1.5 hours and then felt up to it. The house (my German family feels I should call it a flat, but it feels like a house to me), is wonderful, truly great. So light, feels very cosy, lovely staircase, great living room, 3 rooms that are a little less nice, and then 2 more upstairs + bathroom (nice, fashionable) and the roof terrace. I really feel like living there – if only someone else would pull down the wall (or not?) and put down the wooden floor…We hope to move in in March.
This is my 6th day in Amsterdam, after 4 days I left for Switzerland. I did not feel like going, wanted to spend just a little more time in Amsterdam getting used to my normal life again and see my friends (whom I could not see the first few days due to box unpacking and mortgage business). Luckily my family was in Switzerland. Got there and went out with my cousin and got fairly drunk – having a great time in the bar, bar empty, we were just asking the bar man why he was not playing the nice music anymore, he explained he was trying to close up. Then my cousin’s phone rings, it is my mother wondering whether I am OK because I have not come home yet... I turned pinkish red and explain to my cousin and the barman, both greatly enjoying the situation, that this had not happened to me since I was a teenager (not even then I don’t think). We get the rest of my drink in a plastic cup (I regretted finishing it off the next day) and made our way outside, to collapse laughing in the middle of the village street. I made my way home, and imagine the greater embarrassment of having a little topple in the bathroom and mother knocking on door and asking whether I was ok, she had heard such a horrible clonk. I finally ended up in bed, and discovered a bit of a bump on my head the next morning. The rest of the holiday was great, less alcohol (for some reason did not feel like it..), lots of fun and talking to family. The laughed at my Connecticut fotos, having expected fotos of New York Boston, Coventry etc., not as my cousin put it “350 dog fotos and 50 fotos of hikes and surroundings”. I think they are great.
Today first day back at work. J has been sending me such kind e-mails that I would much have preferred driving my car to Storrs to see him today. As I step off the train, very early, given my New Years resolution to finish my dissertation within less than 1.5 years, I meet my roommate. She did not look that pleased to see me, turns out she and other roommate had agreed to be there early to hang up party decorations for me… Awfully sweet, I felt very welcome. All other colleagues were very sweet and welcoming, was great to see them again, and really nice to have lunch with people again, as opposed to lunch on my own behind the computer. My supervisor did not quite register I was back, but the other reactions really helped. And, on my desk was a book I had asked J to sign for me. He wrote such nice complimentary things to me that I had to reread it 4 times in the course of the day + take it home to show to B. Really made my day, felt very proud. Otherwise did not get round to much, had lots of cups of tea, talking to people, opening post, organizing CT papers etc. Nice first day back, but also scary, I hope I can keep on enjoying my work as much as I did in Connecticut, even with my old (and not very well loved) studies and without J’s supervision.