Jobbing

Jobbing sounds less daunting than looking for a job - which is officially what I am doing, the first application letter has been written, but not sent. Even people who like to keep me optimistic agree that it is not a great time to be trying to look for an academic job, so, even though I have another 9 months left before I officially become jobless, I am not as hopeful as I was a year ago. But who knows, they may suddenly realize that rather than wanting someone highly qualified with 10 JPSP publications and masses of teaching experience they want me! Who knows (hmm, well it would have helped if the person offering me the job had not told me they did not want someone in my area..).
Otherwise life chugs on, next week I give my first talk in Dutch. Got slighty jittery when I tried to make it today (partly because I started imaginging all the regression questions people might ask and that I could not answer).
Luckily I have plenty of motivation to distract myself from these thoughts, I am spending a lot of time running circles in the Vondelpark in the dark (in case you are reading M, it is not dangerous, I run in a 'jogger jam'). It can actually be quite exciting, like when I can't see whether the thing approaching me is a jogger, bike or dog, which has implications for how to avoid crashing. So far all gone well, but I try to run during the day as much as possible (not that it seems much lighter then, what a grey time of year!).
Time for a healthy orange, it's almost weekend. This time next week will be the evening before my talk, urghh.

working

It's been a while. I am back from the States, and feeling quite good. The prospect of coming back was daunting, a lot worse than actually spending a day back at work and realizing there are people who miss you and seem to like you. And then the teaching began and since then it's just been so busy that I've had no time to think - not unfortunately either about my paper with J, which I am less happy about. Can really lie awake and feel nervous. Today I had a really amazing day, just gave a big kick. We had an introductory day for new grad students of the KLI and we (I am part of the teaching commmittee) had restructured this day. So exciting to see whether they like it. Also, I had to give a talk (with two others) about what it is like to be a last year grad student. And it was fun, I enjoyed preparing it, and I enjoyed giving it! I am not sure whether people found it useful information (some said they did) but it certainly felt good to be able to try and help people be aware of what it will be like to be a grad student (and give the message that in many ways it gets easier). In general I certainly think everyone enjoyed the whole day, they had fun working in groups. It makes one feel pleased to be part of the organization, to organize something people enjoy and learn from. I was happy!
Tomorrow (officially free day), I finally get round to my paper (if I don't get stuck on regressions again...). And, because it is kind of my free day, I will go for a run. I've signed myself up for a half marathon, which I did to challenge myself, and it feels like a challenge too. It's only (or already!!) in February, and I need to speed myself up and run longer distances before attempting it. I also have this nagging feeling I should perhaps practice running with other people beforehand too. Right now I nearly kill myself in the park when someone overtakes me, I can't resist trying to keep up with them. I may have my tongue hanging down to my shoes, I cannot let people pass. And I guess when you run such a marathon you have to be able to accept that people will overtake you - AND that you may HAVE TO let them go. We'll see!

Here I am

I'm back, finally, looked forward so long and now I am on my working holiday. Sipping my second glass of wine this week (=week started on Monday!) and thinking about life (mainly mine). It has been great to see everyone again, got so much warmer a welcome than I had expected, they organized an evening in Hartford for me and a lot of people were there. And B (dog) recognized me, and L was pleased to see me. And now I am juggling my strong desire to work (it's like a virus, it's all I want to do) with being sociable. L wants to see a lot of me, and I do to, but it means waking up before her at the weekend (=7.30) to get enough work done before she gets up, and I do the same once she goes to bed in the evenings. I have this really strong drive to get as much as possible done here so I can finish my dissertation quickly. Ok, I'm getting boring again. I'm actually pretty tired after getting up early (yes, indeed, to work) and then going for a long hike, not used to all those hills.
Yesterday we made a stone wall, was quite fun, L needed to finish one off in her garden. Then we went on walk to lake, actually to have a go in J's kayak but he just left as we came walking down - L tried waving to him but someone asked us directions just as she wanted to do that - so no kayaking for us. I probably go Tuesday morning. Just, I'm supposed to work then. Great being flexible in your work but not when you don't have the flexibility to carry on in the evenings, or to work weekends. We'll see, I'm not sure I can resist kayaking across Coventry lake with the beautiful autumn foliage, especially given that you can't see the lake from the road, it's built up.
I wish I could stay here a bit longer....

Back again

Why do people write weblogs? Why not just write in your diary, or send a newsletter e-mail to all your friends, like people (not me) used to do. I used to write a diary, now I write my weblog, an edited version of what I would write in my diary. Does it give one an aim in one's writing? Do I like the thought that people might read this? It's not that I communicate about my weblog, I'm not even sure anyone reads it anymore, and still I write. Somehow I guess it's exciting sharing your thoughts with people you don't know, not being sure who is reading this. I read a blog of a colleague I hardly know today, and I regretted not knowing her well, she sounds fun.Don't worry, Í don't have that illusion, my writing ain't that great, it's deteriorated since I got back, and actually perhaps I am more me now, because no one reads this, I can just be boring me - don't have to make it a fun read, can just say what I think (which has got more boring since I am back too). So, good news, I am going back! Yup, that's true, but only for 3 weeks. I'll see the doggy (see this log), see L (perhaps J, they have split, sniff..), see J (supervisor) and go for cross country runs. I am excited. B and I are in Chicago first, I look forward to spending time there too!!!
And otherwise: OK, so I was going to be honest now no one reads this log. Life is weird at the moment, it goes in different directions. This time next year I will not be a grad student anymore (hooray), but where will I be? We have a house now, I am 32, it's time to settle, but I don't feel settled. I love our life here and at the same time I'd like to work outside this country. My time in the States showed me how much fun work can be, I'd like to experience that again - but perhaps I can do that in this country too? Don't know, sleepy. Bed....

to be pulled down (Spijtellaantje)

Slopen

Slopen is the Dutch word for pulling down houses, a very familiar word, too familiar. It happened to the station in Utrecht, and once regrets it nowadays. It happened a lot in the 70's and 80's, but it is also happening to Bernards old house. And, it has happened to a beautiful old house here in Amsterdam, an old farm, referred to as 'Villa ten Spijttel' , specifically named as a part of an area of historic importance. I thought it was being renovated, then I bike by on Tuesday evening, and all that is left is the front of the house, the rest is gone. It is part of an old street with old "arbeiderswoningen" (houses for working people, small but very pretty), all these arbeiderswoningen are going to be pulled down as well to make place for 3 "2-onder-eenkap-woningen". I called the people who give permission for these kinds of things and he said "well if it is not a monument then this can happen". I said "how can this happen, it is a special part of town". He said "Well, if it is replaced by housing it is not a problem to pull down houses". What an attitude, a Dutch attitude (sorry Dutch people, but you do not appreciate the cultural value of old houses, otherwise this would not be possible). So, he said the the house that has already been pulled down was a monument. To not bore you, I am now going to the town archives at 9am on my free day to see how they could do this, and to find out how they can pull down these pretty little houses. It really hurts, I find this so terrible.

Thursday, July 12th

I am confused. How can work have such a strong influence on one's life? Why do I have to suffer from this work-mania when I have so many other things I enjoy? And why does having a bad time at work have to influence them. I would like to play singles tournaments, but given how I am feeling at the moment (not great), I know there is no point in doing that - and when it boils down to filling in the participation form I realize I don't even want to. I can even get up in the morning and feel happy - and then read my work e-mail and spend half the day feeling very unhappy.
OK, enough complaining. I have just had a really nice weekend in Germany with cousin G. I had announced that if I came for 3 days I needed to exercise. SO I was booked in for the personal trainer first morning at 9 am. I had to make clear that that was not quite what I meant, exercise: yes, early in the morning: no. We went for a 2 hour nordic walking 'walk' at 10.30. It's complicated, it made me feeling like I used to in my dancing classes: stupid and uncoordinated. I am uncoordinated, I just can't move hands in one direction and legs in the other while also concentrating on sticks. Once the personal trainer gave up on me (or I understood what to do?) it went fine. Afternoon was spent spending a lot of money, always very pleasing when it results in more clothes. Next morning G went for 5 km walk, and I for 10 km run. Afternoon spent buying clogs for K while actually trying to find blue shoes for G. Sunday we went for a 13 km walk. Have not called G yet to see whether she ever wants me back to visit :-)) But luckily she is coming back to Amsterdam in September for a Wir sind Helden concert!!! Very excited, was birthday present for B and G, B and I really like the band (at least I hope G does).
Tomorrow different type of concert, in the concert gebouw with a friend. Look forward. Before that nice day of analyzing data, so nothing to complain about workwise (I hope..).
Tja, hmm, boring life, no more to say...

This week I went to my first "kraamvisite" ever, meaning I went to one of my best friends houses and looked at her first baby, a little boy called Jonne. So sweet, I was allowed to hold him, he looked at me a little and made some odd face movements and hiccuped and spat out his milk. I could have taken him home with me! And the day after I got the sms that another baby was born, this time Anne, baby girl of Juliane and John. So we are really growing up, buying houses and having children.
Not much news otherwise, our red couch arrived, and we found it a little bulky. It took so much getting used to that I fell on top of Bernard while trying to get onto it as he was trying to eat his soup, that was nearly first marks on our couch, oh no. This weekend I play a friend tournament, with yes, well guessed, a good friend. Sandra and I are joining in at my tennis club. We have never played together, looking forward, just hope the weather gets better, it is really horrible! And next week I go visit Gaby in Frankfurt. Leave on Thursday and stay until Monday. Can't wait, I know we will have a great time. Probably get really drunk one evening, but luckily have enough time for some hangover free shopping and perhaps a nice country hike or jog. I look forward.
This evening my mother came by, and finally reached our house after a long detour. Was a nice evening, just the three of us, B, her and I. Father had a cooking course instead.

One can question whether it is such a good idea to log onto the computer at 10 pm when you are trying to have an early night - and this was not a log on to do my blog but to keep up to date with people asking for questionnaires. I have put questionnaires on internet, thanks to IRB Doug who has sat on my IRB proposal so long that the CT participant pool had closed before I could even attempt to print some questionnaires to hand out (after 4 months). Anyway, this internet business is scary. I use a system that saves data for me, so I feel quite a loss of control because i don;t quite understand the system yet - it has raised my blood pressure a number of times today, feel like I have just run half a mile everytime I've looked at the thing. The helpdesk is great: "no we have never had this problem, thank you for reporting it, we will keep an eye on it" or "you must be doing something wrong, this should not happen". "Oh, thanks, that is very useful!"
Have our housewarming tomorrow and I still have not managed to reach my mother to ask her what to prepare in the way of food. Someone asked how/where we are going to fit 40 people. In the living room thinks me, our living room is enormous. A little more thought and I realize our living room seems enormous because a. I have never had my own before b. it is so empty. But ehrm, indeed perhaps it cannot fit that many people. We will solve that tomorrow... Our house is proving very expensive, we always feel so sorry for the people who have to deliver to us on the third floor (e.g., the grocery man this week: 4 crates of beer, 12 bottles of wine, 21 bottles of soft drinks etc.) that we give them big tips - they thank us with an exhausted and sweaty grin!
Attempt to go to bed?

We made it. Did not go down a class!! Not thanks to me, but anyway.

Still sitting on our old couch in our empty living room trying to think of something interesting to write (that does not concern tennis). It has been a very hectic and sad week but I do not feel like writing about that. Also got my first rejection for an article, but somehow that did not affect me that much, probably mainly because I really was expecting it and would have been surprised if it had been accepted (and here is everybody saying I am too pessimistic about my research). What pleased me was that the reviewers all did like the idea behind the study - which was truly mine! Still battling on with the next article which I want to get out before the summer, although I fear that may not work. But N (supervisor here) is really keeping the speed up, I hand in stuff every week (and although I prefer to be more independent, this helps, and I am not having to write stuff I do not agree with so it's fine).
Tennis wise (yes, very brief), we have our last competition day on Sunday and it is going to be very exciting (read stressful...). We have to do quite well otherwise we go down a class. Now we play against the last placed in the pool, but then we are second last so you never know (and you never know what K will do either...). I feel nervous even thinking about it, very promising for the singles I have to play. Ok, enough tennis.
I have plans to go back to Connecticut in the autumn, and the thought of that already cheers me up so much it makes it worth all the money. Now I just hope I can go, may need to run another experiment in the autumn, I hope I don't have to in those 3 weeks. Have already sent L an e-mail asking whether I can stay with her. Can't wait to see the doggies. And would be great to work with J again, perhaps we can think of some more ideas.
Enough, and time for bed. Have to hand in introduction again tomorrow...

I sit out on our roof terrace and watch an old lady with a crutch water her plants. She has a small plastic children's cart in the middle of her garden with some plants in it. That's about all that is going on up here. I am feeling sad today because I had looked forward to yesterday evening so much and for such a long time that i am really disappointed it is over. Yesterday my aunt and uncle from Germany and my parents came for dinner. Aunt and uncle had never seen our house before so that was very exciting. And they liked it, so nice to see, because of course we love it and want other people to see that indeed we have a beautiful house. And it was just a very nice evening. Being with family makes me so happy, I think it actually makes us all happy because we know one another so well, and we understand each other. So whoever says what, it does not really matter because you know you care for another and can count on each other. After about 27 years of going to Wengen together I think I can say that. What we, being Bernard and I, do not know well is how much everyone eats. A lot we thought, probably true, but not as much as we had bought... We are going to be eating cheeses, fruitsalads, salads and champignons for some days to come. Luckily I had not miscalulated on the wine, in some ways I do know my family well :-)))
Otherwise things are going ok. Ok, rather than very well, because of work. It frustrates me, and at times makes me unhappy, and I just want to finish my dissertation and move on. My time in the States luckily did show me that I can enjoy my work. It helps to think I can go back, even if going back for longer (which career wise I would love) may not be an option. Unfortunately L and J do not seem to be together anymore, but I would love to see her again. So I have planned a trip in the autumn, and I can't wait!
Time to go down and finish up some of the food, poor B is waiting with the cheese - and I'd better get there before it is gone!

It's been awhile again. Less to talk about since I am back in Amsterdam. In fact I sit here and wonder what to write. Today I bought curtains, yesterday I worked, life is very exciting. We have had wonderful weather recently so basically I spend most of my time (when not at work) on the tennis courts and on our roof terrace. One does wonder why my parents spent so much money on my tennis training (luckily it was a cheap club, I think/hope. My tennis team knows that with me they will have long tennis days. I lose the first set because I am nervous, then don't want to lose so win the second and then get nervous again in the 3d. In the meantime my teammates finish more than one match, and then wait for me. One day I was so exhausted after 2 three-set matches that I could not even lift my arm to serve in the last match. Bit embarrassing, the ball went in all sorts of directions, but not in the service part of the court. We lost that one... This year I am less nervous, I am just playing badly instead. And if my work is making me unhappy I play even worse, and then tell myself I am no good at anything. Yes, this is a hobby! And I am hoping to excel on the courts once I have finished my dissertation and become a housewife.
Oh, and next week we get our kitchen, which we find very exciting. Given that so far everything (and truly everything) has been a list of going wrongs with the kitchen company we are not banking on getting the kitchen we ordered in one go (but one can hope...). It is going to be a beautiful vanilla white and I can't wait to get cooking in it. My aunt and uncle (+ parents) come for a celebratory birthday dinner the week after so I am hoping to have gathered all the parts by then (at least we already have the fridge). They are planning on carting the kitchen up to our floor by lift - I told them we have a tree in front of the house, perhaps they think they can saw it down?
I'll put a foto on once we have it!

April 18th
In a few days I turn 32. Weird, feels very old and I feel tired. One day of tennis competition on Sunday and I feel exhausted on Monday. I don't remember feeling like that 10 years ago, or was it because I could spend the morning in bed recovering and the afternoon listening to a relaxing lecture rather than having to hammer away at a keyboard in the hope of making an impossible deadline?
My tennis nerves have got better in so far that I can now analyze that although I am nervous I do seem to be enjoying my tennis match - and that hopefully, please, if I relax, my forehand may come back to me at some point in the match???? B does not understand that one can be so fanatic to get so nervous. I hate playing so badly in matches when I play so well when I practice, that makes me nervous... OK, the reasoning may be somewhat circular but try telling my forehand that. Anyways, I did win my singles, we'll not mention the mix I played six sunny hours later.
Tomorrow for the first time in my life I receive someone to help clean our house. Scares me a little but probably not as much as her, I have seldomly met someone so shy. She also speaks very little Dutch, so it is going to be an interesting experience. We'll see.
Time for bed, have to get back to my article early tomorow.

Moved!

So, last weekend we finally moved house, in a very Dutch way, pulling up our furniture, including washing machine, with a rope. B and I each had rented a bus too. We were finished within 4 hours and then all sat in the sun on our roof terrace and had drinks. It was a great first celebration of our house, someone had even brought champagne. Did not feel too great the next day, unfortunately. Since then we have spent most of our free time unpacking boxes, and in B's case, putting up IKEA cupboards. I have waged war with a number of people, the carpet people for not cutting well and putting glue on our walls, the kitchen delivery people for not ordering our fridge on time and the IKEA for making us pay delivery costs twice when it was their fault we had to have 2 deliveries. I am now so tired of complaining, I don't even complain anymore when I should. In fact, I am feeling very tired in general, on Saturday I woke up in a mess of boxes to be unpacked and thought "I have to get out". Not good for the boxes, but good for me. I went shopping with a bad conscience because B was at home working on the house (which he is still doing as I write). He can't just sit still and do nothing. But the house is lovely, and will be even more so once it is not such a terrible mess!

So sweet...

Friday, January 26th

Rushed home today having looked at wooden floors (+ ordered one!) to call J. Woke up this night and thought/hoped there might be bigger time difference in Memphis (were I was supposed to call him). Looked it up, no, shame. So I call but get a somewhat sleepy Jack on the phone; there was a time difference.... I called an hour earlier than arranged, felt so bad. I guess I served as the wake up call for him (he said he was awake but don't believe it) + roommate (made myself very popular there I am sure), we agreed I'd call in another half hour, at which point I managed to catch him in the bathroom, and was lucky enough to also talk to the roommate. After he had also made some dinner arrangements and got a cup of coffee I finally managed to discuss the IRB. We finished an hour later, I hope I can declare some of the phone costs at work... Then spent the next 3 hours working on the proposal I thought was finished. Have sent it off now to be handed in by someone at uconn.I find it difficult to talk to him, because I miss him when I do. I got a loud laugh at my control condition, he suggested if I needed a manipulation with someone who uses a knife I might be better off using a chef than a knife thrower. So I end up laughing about my research rather than worrying about manipulations.
Our house looks lovely still. We rented a greenwheels car to go to a shop that sells wooden floors. There we picked up 2 enormous planks of wood, oak, one misty white/grey, the other more yellowy/brown. Lugged them up to the third floor and put them in the living room. I liked them both, B had a strong preference for misty white (and I did too in the end), so misty white we ordered (before rushing home). We also introduced ourselves to our downstairs neighbours (who had been glued to the window staring at us when we last looked at the house from the outside). I think they appreciated that. They have lived there for 40 years, are very 'amsterdam'', and very talkative, but very nice. They wont become our best friends but I think we will get on well, and they keep an eye on things (and spend the entire summer in a caravan, so we can have our noisy rowdy parties then).
Well, that's about it for today, still suffering from work frustration, told B I might be manically depressive in my work - have days that I think things are going well (i.e. yesterday), next day I think what I am doing is terrible, and get completely stuck (at which point I get stressed because I want to work as fast as I did in the States and finish my dissertation asap). Right now feeling fairly satisfied that IRB is off (with slight worry I put mistake into it). Luckily we can get ourselves out of bed early again tomorrow morning for the necessary distraction: having purchased kitchen and wooden floor we now move onto the carpets.

Thursday, January 25th

Buying a house and trying to speed up your dissertation is tiring, and slightly stressful I find. I want to work quickly, but my progress is so slow. I am trying to figure out a good introduction for a set of studies that are difficult to fit into a theoretical introduction (and obviously the idea should have been to have a theoretical idea and then test it with some studies - we had one idea which was theoretically based, but somehow it does not quite fit the theoretical base well enough to make an entire introduction). And not having a key to your future house but wanting to buy kitchens, carpets and wooden floors is difficult when you need to let in people for measurements. We could have the key of the house were we not sticking to our principles. We were promised the key of the house before actual sale, but not told that we would have to pay a considerable amount of money a month to have it. So we said no. And now I regret it. The selling estate agent has been thinking about our no for a week so we can't do a thing until we hear from him.
Oh, and interacting with J has been a little difficult too. I finally ended up calling him because I am still waiting to put a study which was supposed to start running next week through the ethical committee. I called him and he said he would do it (and I could call him if I heard no more from him within 2 days), then I heard no more within 2 days so called him again, he said we should schedule a phone conversation, which we have done for tomorrow afternoon 3pm. That was about the time B and I were supposed to go and take wooden planks to our house to see how they look. So now poor B has to leave work earlier to do that before my phone conversation. He is being nice about it (said he would have done the same, I could have said no, but then I would have slowed the progress ? down even more). I just hope J is sitting behind his phone at 3pm tomorrow! And I fear there is some bad news coming, otherwise he would have finished the protocol and handed it in rather than asking me to call, I think. We'll see, I feel confident that he will not leave me in a fix whatever the problem may be. Tomorrow I have to concentrate on how to teach my bachelor students on Tuesday. People tell me it is possible to guide students into a direction of research. Trouble is, I have never done that before, I am not sure I know how to.
OK, so now I've put down all the worries. But I still love the house, it is a happy time too, just looking forward to living together. Or sitting in a kitchen shop with someone spending hours drawing a kitchen for you, including pots and pans onto the gas ring. Very sweet, but if you have already spent 5 hours looking at kitchens, and were hoping to go home, you wonder about the necessity of such details. And I look at B and have to grin, he has an entirely straight face but I know he is thinking exactly the same as I am "you don't have to colour in every part of this kitchen, we get the idea". I sat there next to him grinning.
Time for my couch!

Thursday, January 18th

Amazing storm we are having here in the netherlands. I got blown to the university, and then the blowing continued to such an extent that they have stopped all trains and advise people not to go out. I was very lucky to have a meeting in Amsterdam, otherwise I would now be stranded in Leiden. Now the people from Groningen can't get home so I am expecting a few guests this evening. And tomorrow I think I may have to stay home, they already warned us on the news that the trains would take some time to recover.
Otherwise things are ok, my talk went quite well. Got an e-mail from one of my supervisors praising me, that pleased me. And the other one said on Tuesday that it might be necessary for me to go back and see J, which pleased me a lot too. So it's been quite a good workweek. I am quite proud that I managed to find a story line to fit my data on my own. I learned a lot more in the States than I realized at the time, it has also made me more self confident. J never answered any of my questions, and made it clear to me that I generally go in the right direction. That seems to have helped.
This weekend we have parents coming to look at our house. Unfortunately it probably will only be the outside we can look at, the real estate agent is being difficult about giving us the key ahead of time, despite an oral agreement to do so. Very annoying! And I had so looked forward to showing the house!!
Well, time to go look for some sheets and bedding...

Wednesday, January 17th

Day off, but not really. I don't find working on my American research stressful or unpleasant or even worrying (except when I pressed the run button to see whether my manipulations were working as they should) so don't mind doing that on a Wednesday. I have an odd relationship with my free Wednesday since I got back. I like having it off, but want to finish my dissertation soon, and having worked so much in the States I feel like I am doing so little work here - I mean I am already taking off the weekends, and now also a day in the middle of the week...
Other activities seem to include harrassing people, the real estate agent to get us the key of the house before coming Friday, the bachelor coordinator to let me know whether I have a group of students to supervise, J to get back to me on my proposal so it can go to the IRB. Harrassment has only got me a group of studens, which I am not sure I wanted to have, I think I could have opted out of supervision but was not sure I wanted that either. Yup, guess it is one of those indecision days, can't decide whether to go running either. Not only is it raining but my ankle is hurting a little (and it did before it started raining already). Perhaps running 30 kilometers a week is too much?

Friday, January 12th + OUR HOUSE

Life is starting to feel a little more normal again, even if still engage in research bashing. Somehow my time in the States has shown me where I could have gone, and what I did wrong in my dissertation. But as I am nearing the end rather than the beginning, it's something I am going to have to live with - and suffer through, I have now spent almost the entire week trying to design a structure for my paper, and the talk I am giving on Tuesday.
Luckily the house provides good distraction, I love it. We went and measured the rooms on Wednesday, and if things go well we get the key next week (although we are officially not owners yet, there is a legal procedure we are still going through to separate the house into appartments) - yes, just wait until I have children (if), this weblog will become even more fascinating to read... And by the way, we live on the third and topmost floor.
I am avoiding my talk again, time to stop.

Monday, January 8th

Back in the netherlands. Landed at Schiphol 3 weeks ago, feeling very sad, and very happy to see B again. Amsterdam was grey and uninviting, the people who did not help me with my suitcases in the tram (until I nearly fell on top of them, then they held up their hands to stop me falling) very un-American. I wanted to take B back on a return flight to Coventry. And I so wanted to see the house, but felt so tired and depressed and weird that I dropped into bed for 1.5 hours and then felt up to it. The house (my German family feels I should call it a flat, but it feels like a house to me), is wonderful, truly great. So light, feels very cosy, lovely staircase, great living room, 3 rooms that are a little less nice, and then 2 more upstairs + bathroom (nice, fashionable) and the roof terrace. I really feel like living there – if only someone else would pull down the wall (or not?) and put down the wooden floor…We hope to move in in March.
This is my 6th day in Amsterdam, after 4 days I left for Switzerland. I did not feel like going, wanted to spend just a little more time in Amsterdam getting used to my normal life again and see my friends (whom I could not see the first few days due to box unpacking and mortgage business). Luckily my family was in Switzerland. Got there and went out with my cousin and got fairly drunk – having a great time in the bar, bar empty, we were just asking the bar man why he was not playing the nice music anymore, he explained he was trying to close up. Then my cousin’s phone rings, it is my mother wondering whether I am OK because I have not come home yet... I turned pinkish red and explain to my cousin and the barman, both greatly enjoying the situation, that this had not happened to me since I was a teenager (not even then I don’t think). We get the rest of my drink in a plastic cup (I regretted finishing it off the next day) and made our way outside, to collapse laughing in the middle of the village street. I made my way home, and imagine the greater embarrassment of having a little topple in the bathroom and mother knocking on door and asking whether I was ok, she had heard such a horrible clonk. I finally ended up in bed, and discovered a bit of a bump on my head the next morning. The rest of the holiday was great, less alcohol (for some reason did not feel like it..), lots of fun and talking to family. The laughed at my Connecticut fotos, having expected fotos of New York Boston, Coventry etc., not as my cousin put it “350 dog fotos and 50 fotos of hikes and surroundings”. I think they are great.
Today first day back at work. J has been sending me such kind e-mails that I would much have preferred driving my car to Storrs to see him today. As I step off the train, very early, given my New Years resolution to finish my dissertation within less than 1.5 years, I meet my roommate. She did not look that pleased to see me, turns out she and other roommate had agreed to be there early to hang up party decorations for me… Awfully sweet, I felt very welcome. All other colleagues were very sweet and welcoming, was great to see them again, and really nice to have lunch with people again, as opposed to lunch on my own behind the computer. My supervisor did not quite register I was back, but the other reactions really helped. And, on my desk was a book I had asked J to sign for me. He wrote such nice complimentary things to me that I had to reread it 4 times in the course of the day + take it home to show to B. Really made my day, felt very proud. Otherwise did not get round to much, had lots of cups of tea, talking to people, opening post, organizing CT papers etc. Nice first day back, but also scary, I hope I can keep on enjoying my work as much as I did in Connecticut, even with my old (and not very well loved) studies and without J’s supervision.

Wednesday, December 13th

Finally went for a run today, and felt a lot happier. Spent the morning trying to decide on mortgages, poor B going nuts with these two mortgage advisors, writing an IRB (not finished), and getting e-mails from people in Leiden about J. being there (which made me wonder whether i should have gone back on time for this conference). By the time I was driving through the woods to the university (in the rain) and has spent an hour in the Starbucks saying good-bye to one of the grad students, I had no regrets anymore. I am glad I have this extra week, even if it is hectic and I can't profit from some end of term extra supervision. Cleared out my office today, that is one place I know I definitely will NOT miss. Someone said to me today how great they found it that I had actually created a life here, with a lot of people I know and do stuff with, and that he could imagine I felt sad leaving. I thought that was nice, and I do feel very sad. And L looks so sad, I have stopped looking at her when I mention leaving. She is not only dropping me off at the airport, she is also dropping off her second doggy, whom she loves to bits that day. In the evening she even drops of B at J and L's house (=supervisor + wife) because she is going on a brief holiday with her J. So a lot of good-byes for her in one day. I have no idea when I say good-bye to supervisor J, he murmured something about coming by to give him some spss thing on Sunday, so I guess I'll see him then. Makes planning the weekend a little difficult, I do want to say good-bye. But I should no plan the weekend anyway because I need to spend it sitting on my suitcases compressing the content into something that will close. 300 X 13 pages of questionnaires + whole pile of new articles i had to print + 10 new books + 2 pairs of new shoes (and then a few new clothes but we wont mention them...). L is offering me boxes, I may need them...

Tuesday, December 12th

Stupid K thought she was buying herself a picture frame to put pictures in. Having taken some ugly brown paper off the back, K discovered she had bought herself a picture frame with a peach picture in it which was firmly attached and sealed off with brown paper on the back.
Having taken off the back I guess I can't return it (but will try). I was going to get ahead of schedule by making nice collage for J (L's boyfriend) already this evening. now I have to figure out where to get a proper picture frame - and that will have to be at the weekend. What started as a peaceful week has turned out stressful (how could I take the weekend off??). Trying to learn about mortgages, spending mornings on the phone about them, realizing that letting someone else run 2 of your studies + finding research assistants to help her is quite some work, discovering mistakes in medialab study when looking at it with her, realizing you have not yet programmed one part of your experiment, needing to clear out a room and design an entire experiment was well as handing it in to the IRB + hand in amendments of an old study to the IRB because you decided to run a few men as well as women and probably a few more things I have suppressed right now - that is more than I had banked on early this week. I have my good-bye party this Friday and felt I should help with the preparations. Today I offered to make a start by getting wine tomorrow evening - hopefully that will make up for at least one hour less of helping, I was only going to work on Friday morning but I feel like a need about 3 Fridays to get all this stuff finished. If I don't I'll have to work when I get home which I do not want to have to do.
Yesterday I took my RAs to lunch, was really nice. They are fun, and we had a nice lunch. When I asked for feedback about supervision they were so positive, that was really nice, felt much better about my teaching skills afterwards. One of them said it had really touched him that I had made the effort to come and look at a poster he was giving (I went to a undergrad poster session with Tamar, the one I wrote about). So, I felt happy about that. But then J was so nice about something that was potentially quite problematic that I felt so sad about leaving I had to retreat very quickly from his room. Luckily he has left for Europe now and does not have much opportunity to be nice to me anymore. I nearly cried hugging Bailey too this morning so I wonder what state I will be in when I leave next week Monday... L looked like she would cry too when I told her how late my plane leaves. Leaving is so sad, even if going home is exciting (if someone would just give me a crash course in mortgages and then tell me why we are chosing the right one, so much money involved, and so little knowledge on my part - I feel I should acquire more otherwise I may have regrets, but how?)
I'm off to bed, need to catch up on some sleep and work very hard tomorrow (if I can, may spend morning discussing mortgages).

Sunday, December 10th

8 more days and then I leave, I am sad. The weekends and weeks get busier as the end of my trip approaches. Friday we celebrated T's birthday party with all the grad students. It was fun. I was one of the first to leave (at 12pm), but given I was the oldest there I feel I am allowed to lack the stamina of all these youthful people. I also had to have some energy left to spend most of the day cooking and cleaning. Amazed me how long it took, all i did the entire day was cook, clean, go for a 1 hour run and lie on bed 45 minutes recovering. It was curry D-day, having a thank-you and good-bye dinner for those who have been a big help and support in my time here, my supervisor J and wife L and the person who rented me the room L and her boyfriend J (and yes I did get confused and mix up names yesterday evening). I was rather nervous about cooking curry for them - as my mother can certify in the form of a number of "help, how many potatoes", help how high should the oven be and suchlike e-mails. But it worked, and it was a success. I even survived my rice overcooking and L picking it up and saying "K, you've let the rice overcook AGAIN", as they all stood around me having their drinks.. And drinks they did have because my dinner would not reheat in the oven, I was getting a little frantic there... But most importantly it was harmonious and not the slightest bit uncomfortable. I had a great evening and I think they did too. So I was happy and pleased with myself when I woke up this morning. I was also very weary, so L and I went for a nice day long hike - and now I feel even wearier. I wait to go to bed.
Our house is coming along, we signed a temporary sales agreement, now we have to figure out a mortgage. With my knowledge and understanding of mortgages, being at a distance is not good (well maye it is , but does not promote understanding). I have trouble even with the basic mortgage terms, and I blame that on my lack of any economics classes at school. But blaming does not help when you're talking about a lot of money so I have B explain it to me again, and I try to look at internet sites. And we talk about the changes that need to be made in the house (few, phew!). And about trying to get the key to the house the day I come back - exciting and scary.
So I want to come home and I really don't. And I think the really don't will become want to once I see my sweetie with a big sleepy grin waiting for me at Schiphol, and we then go to look at our house.

Thursday, December 7th

I have developed this talent for turning brick red in this country. It has been a slow development but I have fully mastered it the past few weeks. Luckily I know exactly when it is coming, so I can fully enjoy the experience. It's great, what do you want more than to turn red and blotchy when you are trying to be unconcerned and professional - such as when meeting a new student you would like to work for you. Even better, my talent manifests itself all the stronger the more people are around. Today there were 4 students + J watching, hooray, let's all enjoy this.
I have also started the "lasts", tonight was the last time I went to the bar, tomorrow is the last time I go out with all the grad students and the last time I have a content meeting with J. On Saturday is my goodbye and thank-you dinner for L and J and L and J (person renting me house + boyfriend and supervisor + wife). I feel tired even just thinking about it, how am I to survive all the lasts when I have also had so many firsts this week. First time buying a house, first time thinking about mortgages, first time having an enormous repair price for my car (which I thought I'd have to pay) . I'd love a day off with nothing to think about or figure out. Instead I will be up early to prepare the meeting I may have with J if he has time. Perhaps I should just cancel it and take it easy tomorrow, that would please him as much as me probably. Only thing is I am stuck, and I don't want to leave connecticut without some kind of concluding meeting.
Otherwise not much happening, got a whole set of silly jokes from someone who should know better today, that kept me busy. Then had to rush to the university because I made a complete mess of the credit assignment for participants who took part yesterday - and they fail if they don't get enough credits, but I was not sure which of 4 women had actually turned up for my study. Very pleased with myself I was, here I am telling my RAs off when they do things like this and I run one study and make a complete mess of it (I also ran out of questionnaires for men, so had to give someone one for women and tell him to read every 'woman' word as 'man'. Luckily I don't need the men anyway so it did not matter. But I again had 8 men and only 2 women, bit of a waste of time that is.
You know, I am really looking forward to getting home again, and then going off to Wengen!

Sinterklaas

So life comes with its ups and downs and today started up and ended a little down. My first phone call in my stats class was the RA needing help (and she would not have if she did not always forget pieces of paper or signup sheets...). The second was the car firm but I did not take that one. I had a foreboding, I had taken the car in because the check engine light i had mended last week started burning again. THe good news is I don;t have to pay for that because it was their fault. THe bad news is I had told them there was a clonk under the car (has been since I started driving it) that might be the cause of the problem. The clonk was not the cause of the problem, but the clonk is caused by a problem, something with the suspension. NOt dangerous, just 750 dollars to spend. I am not willing to spend that kind of money on a car I just sold yesterday. But I cannot sell it without mentioning the clonk - I mean I could potentially but I wont. So then I thought myself and future buyer could split the costs. Now that seemed fair until L and J informed me I could have sold my car for 2000 dollars more than I am doing, they looked it up on internet. They suggest I tell this person I am selling it cheaply and say I will do the repairs for her but she has to pay for it given she can make money on the car (as opposed to losing the 1000 dollars i will have lost if I do all the repairs it needs). J also says he can sell it for me in a week (and we would do a percentage deal so he would also profit from this). So, if I don;t worry about this other person I don't have to lose money. If I do, I don;t know what to do. If I had my time over I would ask more for the car, and I would anyway have sold it for more if it had not been that I know her. So, potentially I may be the one who loses out if we share the repairs because she can resell it at a much higher price than I sold it to her. But I know she does not have that much money, so to suddenly ask 750 dollars extra seems like a bad deal for her right now. HELP! So I guess I sleep on it.
Otherwise uneventful day, busy, but got little real work (read: IRB protocol) done. One more day of RA supervision and then that's it, we go for coffee and I have to do my own work again - but will I be glad not to have this daily supervision anymore, even if it does mean we are not running anymore subjects. I like both of them but the one is a real liability, I have to keep a very close eye on her without making it too obvious. Tomorrow morning again disrupted because I have to pick up the car, did not want to ask L to drive me again this evening and tomorrow morning i can get a driving service of the car company. So their little mistake has cost me a number of precious morning working hours.
Time to get back to my new itune story discovery, I finally have a beautiful red 8GB ipod - am I glad I bought it before i heard about the car...

Monday, december 4th

Today B and I bought a house. We are going to live in a 5 room house on a little square in Amsterdam with a roof terrace. I still float...

December 1st

We have a christmas tree. L said she bought it for me - I was saying there is nothing nicer than a real christmas tree, why does she not have one. I am going to miss her, I never have a christmas tree early december at home. But people have really got out their decorations, some gardens are truly better than disney land. Have to take care not to crash my car as I stare with an unbelieving grin on my face. Christmas decorations in the States are as abundant and varied as bikes in NL.
I am starting to feel sad and a little melancholic as I cuddle the dogs, drive home, think of what to do at the weekend, see J., chat to L.. 2 more weeks and my adventure is over. Luckily B has booked us into our favorite delicious good restaurant in Amsterdam 2 days after I get back. The thought of that will keep me going when I am having trouble leaving :-))) And no, it has never occurred to me that I may resemble my father...
Yesterday evening I had an evening of complete relaxation and happiness. I had to run my study at a different university about 40 minutes away, and I had to be there on time. Being anywhere on time in a car is stressful for me here. I seem to get lost wherever I go (and I wonder whether americans print out maps for everyone or whether I have got myself a reputation, everyone seems to do it - L always shouts "wait, I am printing directions for you". Anyway, I got myself there in a big sweat, took the most indirect route I could. Managed to take the highway in the wrong direction on the way home, and so happy to have finished the experimentation part of the evening that it took me quite a while to realize. So I had accomplished that, and I managed to get my computer program to work. We ran about 40 participants this week. Unfortunately, for some unknown and unpredicted (by J - "run men as well, there wont be that many") reason, I have 90 percent men taking part in my experiment. I ran 32 men and 7 women this week - and I only need women so that is a little frustrating. Today I realized I need to include an extra questionnaire, that scares me, trying to program it and worrying for some reason my program may decide not to work again. But it's an idea I want to test for a follow up study so it must go in. I had to leave at 7.45, nto finished but unable to think.
My morning work went down the drain due to housing issues. B looked at a house and thought it might be an option. It is a difficult one, we had the agreement that we would only buy something unseen by me if he saw it and thought "wow". he did not have that but he thought it would be very suitable. And we have only had the wow thing once in almost a year, so should we wait for that, given we would like a house at some point. But, he walked in and met the downstairs neighbour who was not pleasant. Now, for me that is important. So methinks, this is not a house we can buy without me seeing it - and I could, but then I go home 2 weeks early. And I don't want to. But i do want us to have a house together. So what do we do? We think, is our solution, and on Monday we decide. Right now I don;t think, I would finally like a good night's sleep.
I do have to think about the good-bye party L. wants to give for me. It scares me so I did not react very enthousiastically. she wants me to invite my fellow grad students and then her friends whom Ive met will come. But here friends, whom I like, are around 50, my fellow grad students are 25, and I find it difficult to communicate with them. I foreseen some problems, I already have trouble connecting to them, how are these groups going to connect? Plus, given I do not feel that connected, do I want to host a party for them? I wanted to go to the pub for drinks with a group of them, nice and informal and I don;t feel too responsible. But I don;t want to offend L. So what do I do? I stick my head in the sand and do nothing (so far) which means I don;t have party and don;t have pub either. Anyone got some good advice on that one? Oh and next problem is when? NExt weekend supervisor + wife come for dinnner (help) and the weekend after most grad students will be gone (but not all, and some of the nicer ones are still there).
Time for bed. It is finally weekend, I hope to have sweet dreams about a good birthday present for T's 30th.

Time to introduce the other new member of the doggy family, a very sleepy addition - but very sweet!

Quabbin reservoir (used to be 4 villages before the valley was flooded - now supplies Boston with water)

Monday, November 26th

What a day, got home one hour ago (it's now 9.30). Was a long day, I am running my study tomorrow and just as I contemplated coming home part of my experiment decided to enter fast forward mode - no time to read any of the screens or answer any of the questions. just stared at it in disbelief. The scary thing is I still don't know what was going on. I recovered a file of a few hours earlier when it was still working and am now using that one instead. Going to get to the uni early to check everything once more, I still keep finding a whole load of mistakes, really stupid ones.
Perhaps it was punishment for thinking I could take of 2.5 days during thanksgiving. I went back to Amherst to see some friends I had not seen in 18 years. It was wonderful, a real highlight of this trip. One of the people I was visiting is my age, and we last saw one another when I was 13. So funny to see that his humor and jokes and way of teasing were exactly the same. And he still laughs at my jokes and commented that I still have the same sense of humor too. Real trip down memory lane, the mother still tells him and his sister off in just the same way when they are being silly - I really had to giggle. They are lovely people, I hope to see them more frequently. Amherst was small, much smaller than I remembered (and that disappointed me). As my mother said: You were small then so things seemed bigger, but I had not expected to have seen the whole thing within 20 minutes. I did see the place were I sang christmas carols in a choir (I got put into that because the cookery class was already full - it was NOT my own choice, and I would think the teacher might have wished the cookery class had found a place for me however full...).
I finally invited J for dinner, asking whether he could make next weekend. He said yes, and that was it. So I am not sure whether he actually wants to come but at least I have 2 weeks, almost, to figure out something I can cook and everyone likes...

Tuesday, November 21st

3 dogs and myself alone at home. Just had to wake one of them up, hanging over my knee, quietly snoring. Big dog is back for thanksgiving break and decided to lie in something that looks rather disgusting. Now I feel I should clean her up but unfortunately I can't find the doggy shampoo... Went to work today thinking I'd catch some people before they left for thanksgiving break. I only caught one person about to leave, the rest of the afternoon I was pretty much the only living soul in the building. Weird feeling, it's a maze of a building, weird to wander through the gray maze on your own. Actually slightly scary too so I left my door closed (it locks automatically).
Yes, so this is the American thanksgiving. I don't remember it from my last visit to the States but it is kind of like Christmas. I am really really glad I have been invited up to Amherst for the 2 real thanksgiving days, otherwise it would be very lonely here (although L is not going anywhere). Luckily I can spend my time learning medialab. It's an incredible program, it is completely unclear to me when and where it accesses folders. Today it started using an old file that happened to be left on the desktop (oh and now I see why suddenly, so my weblog is even good for medialab problems). But anyway, this program keeps surprising me, which is somewhat worrying given that by next week Tuesday I need to have mastered it well enough not only to not be suprised anymore but to actually have a program that runs without crashing. And only on Monday do I discuss it with J., so if I have to change stuff I wont have much time left. But then who knows, I may not be running it anyway, if my worst fears come true.
Not much else to tell, having some supervision issues, not with J, and that's all I'll say. I'll also say that it worries me. A lot.
J I have not seen much recently, run by once a week and take 5 minutes to ask some questions. I hope he's just busy, not that I have been too much of a nuisance recently, or his irritation about my IRB attitude has lasted. He seems less concerned about what I am doing. Or is it just me worrying again? Perhaps in my tenseness of the past weeks I have become an unpleasant person to him, too goal oriented? Am I too goal oriented? Most of my questions are because I am scared I have done or will do something wrong. I am supposed to pluck up the courage to invite for a self cooked dinner, knowing that his wife is a super cook. Will I dare to do that? I wonder whether he will want to come, he does not really socialize individually with his grad students.
Well, just enjoying a sip of wine having visited the wine shop to get some thanksgiving presents. Since J (L's boyfriend) told me that the owners of the wineshop don't drink because they are muslim I don't ask their advice anymore. Makes it difficult to buy a wine you don't know. I hope I did well, I still need to follow a wine course to get some wine knowledge (or just talk to my father and also take notes). Uff, difficult typing when you have a sleepy head hanging over your arm. I'm going to read my nice new book, "The Ha-Ha".