August 11th

A relaxing Friday evening as a cure for chronic weekday insomnia – until I spent 1.5 hours talking to my supervisor, by which time it was 8 pm. Where has my Friday evening gone? Panic when I heard he thought I could make the deadline for the research proposal on Monday (this is my last weekend in Amsterdam, I will not spend it behind the computer!). Luckily that goal changed in the course of the conversation – or shall we say he became more vague about it, he is vague about deadlines. I feel so hyper I would either like to spend the coming 2 hours on the tennis courts with my tennismate and then get drunk together, or indulge in other kinds of unhealthy behavior. Both are not possible so I write my weblog instead. I just wish I could stop thinking about the 2 stupid remarks I made in 1.5 hours. Think I would score high on the chronic PHD insecurity scale – will they ever think of a cure?
So, nice weekend ahead of relaxation, hopefully a tennismatch with one of my favourite tennismates (very unlikely given the weather), a walk into Amsterdam and some bookshopping with boyfriend B. (assuming handluggage is still allowed on flights to the US buy next week Saturday – great time to be flying that direction by the way).
How will it be to leave him? When did I last live entirely alone? I know when, that was 12 years ago and it was not a success. But now, of course, being 31 and completely healthy and mature all will be well and I will have a whale of a time. Then we come to my other worst case scenario: what if I don’t want to come back. I really liked the Us last time I was there, I like the nature, the research is closer to my area and more varied (or to keep it short, the best researchers in my area work there) and the culture is in many ways attractive (although I still don’t know what to say to the many “how are you’s” I hear in the course of the day). Well, first most imminent task is to get there and make sure I pack my toothpaste in my suitcase otherwise I may strand at Schiphol (greatest fear is stranding at Washington, and S waiting for me for hours in Hartford, or this very unpleasant situation in which we discover I have no food and there are indeed no shops nearby and he feels obliged to invite me for dinner which I would feel very uncomfortable about. I don’t know how far his sense of obligation reaches – was really surprised he wanted to pick me up at the airport – he did offer that before he knew I was arriving on Saturday evening…..).
Rumination, rumination and rain rain rain.