August 30th

First things first: I have a car. And that makes me very happy. And i have been having some very interesting discussions with J., which makes me happy too. What makes me less happy is trying to sleep, that is not working very well. And then the days seem less sunny as well. I felt lonely today, for the first time I think. I miss having a social life, being able to go play tennis. BUt I have had no energy or time left to organize that part of my life here (save emailing a number of people who never responded). Tomorrow I am going to try and organize some tennis.
And this evening I decided, after a run, to finally get my shopping done. So off I go in my car. I guess you can feel it coming, I got entirely lost, very much so in fact. TOok me 1.5 hours to get my shopping done. BUt you know, Americans are really extremely nice. I asked in the store if they could tell me where I am. The cassiere made the effort of asking someone else, and then I am sitting in my car trying to find my way on the map when a man comes up and offers help again - he had been behind me in the queue. Thanks to him I managed to find my way back. I decided to take the safe route through the center of COventry (safe in thatI knew how to get home from there). Just my lack that it was closed off due to some accident. Had to stop and mapread myself back where i had come from and up some country roads - nearly hit a skunk too, and they really stink I can tell you. Sometimes you can smell them in the car (made the mistake of saying to L that it smelt a bit like B, she said "that was a skunk" in rather an offended way). I am going to try and sleep once again now. LUckily not so many meetings tomorrow. Am getting more to do again as I have to do homework for 2 courses ( i have not had to do homework in years(And I discovered that in order to get a parking place on campus you have to be there before 9 am so have to leave here early). Took me 20 minutes to find myself a parking space this morning....

August 28th

This one is not going to be very amusing or interesting, so skip it if you don't feel like it (there's enough else to read below).
My birth certificate arrived today and I went to work. I did not enjoy my day at work, which is a shame when you spend so much time longing to go to work. I need feedback, I have reached the idea bashing stage - rightly so as it turned out when T. could not understand what the idea behind my experiment was. And she still didn't after 1 hour (and she's bright). It's me, I have these ideas which I find interesting but when I try to put them into an experiment, or even concrete hypothesis they become so complicated. And now I don't know what to do, I have reached precisely the same point I did last year when I told N we should maybe drop this idea, that it was too problematic and therefore perhaps simply not very good. And then people ask me what I really find interesting, J. did. And I can say it in abstracto but I can't seem to translate it into an interesting study. Why not? I always, always, and really always get stuck at this point - and then I need supervision, and that is not a good thing. And right now I don't have access to it. And I need to know so many things before J leaves for 3 weeks coming Saturday, I'd need him for about 2 hours (minimum). WE have not yet decided on manipulations, the design, the IRB needs to be handed in, I need research assistants (think I was meant to get them tomorrow but have to go to dmv, am having to but J again to ask whether it is tomorrow and if yes, how late?) and most of all I want to discuss our ideas. Frustration. Good for running though, managing my 5 (or 4.5?) km run in 30 minutes. And B enjoys it too because he gets taken for walks. And he's played with, doggy life is good - think I'll try to be a dog in a next life.
As far as this life is concerned I am doubtful as to how to proceed. Normally I would wait for a meeting and then bring up my concerns,but I am trying to be more independent so I should go to the meeting, bring up my concerns + my solution. THe only problem is that I don't have one. THat makes option 2 kind of difficult.
Time to stop thinking about work. I am going to play football, I agreed to that after 1 chardonnay glass, 1 beer + 1 ? cocktail - which is not so extreme that I assume I must have thought about it to some extent before saying yes (was I asked?). A number of graduate students are trying to put together a co-ed football team and they are having trouble finding women. I told them I was pretty hopeless and they have permission to dump me after the first practice session but they (well at least the student who was driving me home) seemed enthousiastic. So we'll see. THere seems to be a similar inter university construction for tennis but I am not sure I feel like playing competition again. Have enough to be nervous about without tennis court nerves. As soon as I have a car I will try and drive myself to a tennis court - someone e-mailed me a location, without any further info (which was not what i had asked for....). Until then I will give D and T a practice session, which should be fun (if I ever get to uni to do so).
Time for bed.
Oh and by the way, just because I write a weblog does NOT mean I don't LIKE getting e-mails!!!!

August 27th

Rain. And everyone keeps telling me it has not rained here for so long. J. is happy he does not have to water his lawn anymore. I would happily water it for him if it would just get nice and hot and sunny again.
Finally activated L.'s bike and had even persuaded myself to go to the supermarket with it (5 miles downhill = 5 miles uphill with a backpack full of shopping). But then she could not find the key to the bike lock so in a way I was quite relieved, except that I've spent the entire day indoors apart from a visit to a farmer's market. I just hope my fedex package arrives before 12 pm tomorrow because that is when I am being picked up to go to work - by someone who tends to work untill 11pm. I am considering taking my jogging stuff with me so I can at least run home. But then what do I do with my laptop, hmm.
L. sweetly cooked for me this evening because she realized I wanted to go shoppping because I am tired of my food - and i have finally recovered my appetite, which makes my food seem even less attractive.
So the working week starts again tomorrow. I can't think about anything except whether I will manage to get my car registered on Tuesday. I can't think of anything that can be wrong, but that's precisely what scares me. If I still don't have all I need, will I ever be able to get it, or will i be stuck with a car I can't drive? I am going to be sooo happy if things work out on Tuesday. i will drive myself to work and go and tell everyone I finally have a car. And then I will drive myself to a grocery store and spend hours looking around without anyone waiting for me, and I will drive myself somewhere, on my own, with the radio on, and take myself for a walk. All dreams, will they become reality? More on Tuesday.

August 26th

Feeling much better again today after a nice evening in Hartford yesterday. Must tell story about that but first should relay my dmv experience. SO I go there with L on THursday, I have everything I was told by this man on the dmv phone line to take + anything else I had that was official. Stand in the first queue (who does one write that?) to get my state id card which I need to register the car. I am given a list of things I need, almost none of which the dmv guy had told me about. But we're getting there. Only then the man behind the couner says: I need a second form of identificaiton, your passport is not enough. Oh fine says me, here is my driver's license. NO good says he. How about my Dutch residence permit, I use that as id in Europe. "NO we don';t accept that says he". What do you want from me then? By this time I am red in the face and L confirms I have gone blotchy, as I always do. WEll, a college registration card ("but I am not registered here"), a marriage certificate ("I'm not married - haven't been asked"), a divorce certificate (nope, not divorced yet either) or a birth certificate (shit, thinks me, that's in Utrecht - at least I hope it is). And you need to have it translated by a recognized translator. IN the mean time we can already run you through immigration, that should speed things up. Run me throug immigration?? DO they think I am going to put my car outside the uconn building and blow it up or something?? By this time L was completely exploding so I had to be extremely nice to this dmv guy to make up for her accusing questions (and there's a sign hanging there that they dont accept abusive language - I know why they've had to hang that one up!!). Anyway, why do I tell this story? BEcause yesterday evening I went out to a restaurant. IN the car I was saying: I am dying for a drink, it's been a long week with the dmv. I get to the restaurant and am asked to show my id. I had taken my driver's license along. They stare at it and ask whether i have any other form of identification. I pull out my residence permit (by this time this is starting to feel like a familiar situation). THe waitress takes both off to the manager who returns to the head of the table and tells all 12 of us (i quote): Federal law forbids us to serve alcohol to persons who dont either have a US driver's license, state identification card or passport with them. I was flabbergasted. So the waiter comes back to me and asks what I would like instead of the glass of chardonnay I had ordered. I felt like walking out of the restaurant (as did T who is Isreali and had the same problem) but we were all so hungry by then. LUckily i did manage to get alcohol in the other 2 bars we went to. This country does not cease to amaze me! Today I am having a nice and peaceful day - was going to do some work reading but am not sure I'll get round to that... THis evening L, her friends and I are going out for dinner and to the movies. So nice she just asks me along. I like her so should get on well with her friends. Oh yes and I have already been out with B. who had me using doggy bags for him twice, as if he had heard me saying I hated collecting dog shit. We are getting very close :-))) Enough for now.

August 25th

Today was the first day since I got here that I really did not feel very happy. I lie awake at least 1.5 hours every night and can't get to sleep either so I guess it's not that surprising. Have still not got round to discussing my research content wise with J.
I went to the university today, and it was a bit daunting with so many people I did not know. My room is small, gray and does not have a window. Once I saw the room some of the other graduate students share (a broom cupboard with 3 desks) I realized I am lucky. But nothing works yet so I can't use internet, don't have a phone or a computer )at least there is one there but it won't do anything. but it is nice to go somewhere else for a change.
Unfortunately, and that did not improve the mood, a Israeli graduate student told me she had a very cheap car insurance that insured her without a driver's license. She pays about 900 dollars less than I do. That really bugged me and then j. said I might be able to revoke my insurance within 3 days and get the money I paid via credit card back. That made me feel even less happy, the thought of even more phone calls and the whole procedure all over again. But for that amount of money I am going to have to look into it. That will cost me another working day. I really thought I had found the only insurance that would insure me without a US driver's license.
Time to stop. In half an hour I am being picked up by a graduate student and taken to Hartford for a night out. I wonder how long their nights out last.... But I am looking forward to it, is nice to get some kind of social life.
More tomorrow. Luckily the car insurance offices are closed at the weekend so I can't make any calls.

August 24th

I had written a weblog for today, but, in the trend of the day managed to switch off my computer by mistake. Had enough of computers, and definitelyhad enough of the dmv.

August 23d

Why do I always feel I am doing things wrong. We were looking for the number of a house we were supposed to be at, had been for 10 minutes. SO I find a letterbox without a house number, and think, well letters have numbers. And in my houses everyones letters just land on the same doormat, so I open that letterbox and try to read the adress. I get the strong impression from the reactions of my fellow travellers that that is not done, definitely not done. ANd I feel so embarrassed the rest of the evening, because I realize when I think about it that it is not done, and I probably would not even have done that with a Dutch letterbox, but everything is new, and I don't seem to think much these days. Take the car insurance. Insure myself with lowest liability because L said that should be ok -they can't sue you. Well not if I never want to enter the states again. So I have spent the whole afternoon + yesterday telling this agent I urgently need my insurance by the end of the day - which I did. And everything is faxed through on time (once I have got L out of the swimming pool to help me) - and only then, at 4.15 pm do I think,no, this is no good,I need different liability. And we start the whole process again! And of course it does not work on time. So tomorrow again I cant go to work because J will have to leave before I have received the fax + managed the dmv. I really want to go to work and meet people, not be stuck here working. The funny moment of the day, when even the insurance agent laughed was: I have a new US mobile which has keys that are the opposite to my Dutch phone's ones - otherwise the phone is exactly the same. SO instead of picking up the phone when she finally calls me I press 'ignore' - realize it and start swearing loudly, only to hear someone calling down the phone - the agent was in fact on the phone, listening to my swearing. We had a moment of mutual understanding when she said "sounds like you're having the same kind of day as I am". That helped - until I realized I did not have the buyer's agreement I need for the dmv. THe guy who sold me the car should have left it with J, but he didn;t. HEadache. Luckily a run and a beer and J's bouncy very nice Israeli graduate student helped. AND, she's said we should do something this weekend which made me very happy. NOt that I mind being on my own here, but I also feel it would be nice for L if she had the house to her own every now and then and I am not sure she banked on having someone occupying it day and evening!
SO, shoudl I also tell the disgusting Bailey dog story to end the day? L came up to me yesterday handing me a pair of undies which felt somewhat soggy, saying: "I think they may be yours". They were, and I could have sunk through the floor, wondering how I could have dropped them in the middle of the house, very embarrassing. Whether the explanation was better than thinking I had dropped my own undies I don't know: Turns out B likes to take underwear out of clothes baskets (used only) and lick it. I have felt very different about being licked by him (in the face!) today!
GOod night.

August 22nd

Today I really thought I would not get round to writing a weblog, but it is a good way of turning off at the end of a long day. It started with work early this morngin and proceeded to Jale in J.'s car. Jale is so beautiful I carried my laptop aruond unused for 2.5 hours staring at all the beautiful university buildings. It reminds me of Oxford. J took me to meet someone in my area whomwe had a nice chat and also discussed my research with. It's going to be quite an adjustment going back home.... I then got back and was scheduled for a 6.30 apres dinner meeting. I should have made it an apres dinner meeting - was starving hungry when I got back at 8.15 and spent 15 minutes staring at the stars on the balcony to try and get into a relaxed evening mode. HOpe toachieve that somewhere in the coming hour.
Oh and THursday hopefully is d-day. I may just be able to get all the documents I need to get my car registered (only hiccup could be I also need to have a connecticut ID card made to register and worry they may refuse to do both in one go - J andL have warned me the dmv is the most terrible experience, and will be a low in my stay here). I drove the car down the driveway - only trouble I had was adjusting the seat, managed to open the boot instead, never managed to get the seat to my leg length.
More tomorrow.

August 21st

Someone told me one should not write ablog every day as it gets boring to read. but boring reading is not boring writing...
I have also had such an interesting day! Spent the whole morning reading about how to register my car and calling the dmv (registration office) with various questions. THen J took me to Storrs to get an ID card and register at the international office. ANd you know how long that took me: 2 hours. Why? Because I was 3 minutes from the second office but then, after reading a map, walked in the wrong direction. By the time I found where I wanted to be I was so disoriented I could not find the psychology building anymore (and no, map reading does not help as all buildings are identifiable by names and I did not know the name). And so I had to walk back to the first building and from there back to the psychology building - only to discover I had even passed the psychology building on my way there. Is that worse than booking yourself in for a flight with baby food or not?
Otherwise I am feeling very happy here - although have this gnawing feeling I should maybe start getting down to some work, and will I still feel so happy when I reread my research proposal? ANyway, for now I am happy and tomorrow I go to Yale and NEwhaven with J. (and I am taking my laptop to do some work there!)

August 20th number 2

Happier, luckily. Survived first day which I was most scared of. In fact survived well and happily. Mainly thanks to L. (person I rent a room from) I would say, as well as the fact that when I woke up again I discovered this beautiful view and enormous balcony. This house looks out on a grassy field with woody hills all around. I am really going to enjoy this. And when I finally found L. again after having had my second cold shower since I arrived (could not find the hot water) she suggested we go for lunch somewhere and then do some grocery shopping. Sooo nice not to be alone. Grocery shopping is difficult here. NOt comparable to my small AH. Took me ages to find what I wanted, and then you have a choice of 15 products of the same thing. What I also don't understand is why people keep getting stuck in kinds of traffic jams with their shopping carts given that the stores are about 6 times as large as my AH. I guess because you can change direction, but will conduct further research on that one.
Oh, and I have also seen my car standing in J's driveway. It looks quite nice, he has said I can drive it up and down his driveway if I like. I will!! Now all I have to do is try to get the thing registered and insured. NOt looking forward to that at all..... But I really need a car here, can't do a thing without it. I do still think I can reach Uconn from here - and may just have to bike there to prove J and K wrong.
Uff, eyes are really starting to droop now. have to keep myself awake another 45 minutes before I can go to bed - and then hope I sleep better than last night... At least my room feels cosy now, with all the cars I was sent before I left + a selection of B fotos.
More tomorrow.

august 20th

Homesick, I knew it would happen and it is almost worse being scared of it than having it. I am feeling so exhausted after a 24 hour journey thanks to a missed connection and more than 4 hour wait that it's not that surprising I guess. And the pouring rain does not help either - especially given it has not rained for the past month, why chose my arrival to do so?
Leaving Schiphol was not as bad as I had expected, so I hope I dont make up for it here. I'm going to try and catch some more sleep before definitely starting this day.

August 15th

Panic, I am nowhere near finished with my research proposal, it is 15.45 on my last working day and I should be thinking about what to take to the States with me. Promised my supervisor to send him the proposal again today....

August 11th

A relaxing Friday evening as a cure for chronic weekday insomnia – until I spent 1.5 hours talking to my supervisor, by which time it was 8 pm. Where has my Friday evening gone? Panic when I heard he thought I could make the deadline for the research proposal on Monday (this is my last weekend in Amsterdam, I will not spend it behind the computer!). Luckily that goal changed in the course of the conversation – or shall we say he became more vague about it, he is vague about deadlines. I feel so hyper I would either like to spend the coming 2 hours on the tennis courts with my tennismate and then get drunk together, or indulge in other kinds of unhealthy behavior. Both are not possible so I write my weblog instead. I just wish I could stop thinking about the 2 stupid remarks I made in 1.5 hours. Think I would score high on the chronic PHD insecurity scale – will they ever think of a cure?
So, nice weekend ahead of relaxation, hopefully a tennismatch with one of my favourite tennismates (very unlikely given the weather), a walk into Amsterdam and some bookshopping with boyfriend B. (assuming handluggage is still allowed on flights to the US buy next week Saturday – great time to be flying that direction by the way).
How will it be to leave him? When did I last live entirely alone? I know when, that was 12 years ago and it was not a success. But now, of course, being 31 and completely healthy and mature all will be well and I will have a whale of a time. Then we come to my other worst case scenario: what if I don’t want to come back. I really liked the Us last time I was there, I like the nature, the research is closer to my area and more varied (or to keep it short, the best researchers in my area work there) and the culture is in many ways attractive (although I still don’t know what to say to the many “how are you’s” I hear in the course of the day). Well, first most imminent task is to get there and make sure I pack my toothpaste in my suitcase otherwise I may strand at Schiphol (greatest fear is stranding at Washington, and S waiting for me for hours in Hartford, or this very unpleasant situation in which we discover I have no food and there are indeed no shops nearby and he feels obliged to invite me for dinner which I would feel very uncomfortable about. I don’t know how far his sense of obligation reaches – was really surprised he wanted to pick me up at the airport – he did offer that before he knew I was arriving on Saturday evening…..).
Rumination, rumination and rain rain rain.

August 12th

Weird writing my weblog in word. I was for the first time in my life enjoying a wireless internet connection, it’s such fun being able to surve on your couch. To my horror the unsecured internet connection I was using disappeared yesterday, really bad timing, could they not have waited a week? I don’t want to pay for 4 months connection when I wont be using it. And now I really miss it.
Finally managed to reach the person whose room I am renting, was getting a bit worried she might have changed her mind. She sounded quite nice and she found it no problem driving me to a grocery store on Sunday. So that’s one of my worries solved, although I still don’t know what to eat on Saturday evening. New worry arose though when she told me the price of the room, its 600 dollars. I have seen flats cheaper then that. Because it was via my supervisor and she is his neighbour I assumed it would be reasonably priced. That would mean an entire grant goes towards paying the room, such a shame. Maybe I will look for something else when I get there. Every time I tell someone I’m going to buy a bike to be mobile they tell me it’s extremely hilly there. So what? I hope it’s American mentality, and not that I have to bike uphill for 40 minutes before reaching a grocery store. I keep saying “I’m Dutch I don’t mind biking up hills” (which is actually pretty stupid because we don’t have any hills in this country + I hate biking up hills). Hmm, we’ll see, I can’t imagine living out of a car either, which is just as well as I’ll probably spend part of my stay looking at my car standing in the driveway. NO one told me it’s so difficult to register a car. I think I’ll have to take a driver’s license there, just to register a car… But everything is difficult in the states, not just getting visa, also getting a mobile phone seems to be quite an experience (you need a social security number for that) – and then we haven’t even talked about doing research. I have to hand in all my experimental material to an ethical committee more than a month before I run my research – anything the subject might read I have to put on paper. And I tell them that if they get injured during my experiment the costs will be covered by their medical insurance. Could this ever happen in the Netherlands, will this country ever become so, what is it, paranoid? How come being sued can become such a problem in one country and not in others? Will we go in that direction as well in Europe or is it something American? And how did it evolve? Curious, but interesting to think about. Perhaps I’ll have some more answers when I’ve been there for a while. Last time I was there for a longer amount of time I was 13 so you don’t really notice these things (I just enjoyed the hamburgers for lunch!).
Well it’s finally stopped pouring so I’d better go shopping. My well disciplined mind tells me I could also go running now, and SHOULD go running now but I really don’t feel like it so perhaps I simply will disobey….. And it doesn’t help my insomnia either so why bother anyway!

August 9th

I think it happened about 10 months ago on a big mountain in Yosemite. I decided I'd like to spend some time in the States. Why go to Storrs then, you might wonder. Well that happened to be where the person lived/worked whom I most wanted to work with. I spent a month in a pink beautiful cloud when he said he'd like to have me.
Sometimes it's good to remember that. Yesterday I had yet another good-bye dinner with friends. I am not good at them, I could cry every time I leave. What will I do without them? I don't see them that often anymore (which I feel bad about) but they are there, and that's often enough. I biked home yesterday feeling very happy to have such a nice set of friends, and realizing all the things I will miss in my life here. ONe reason I wanted to go away for a while was because I found my life here monotomous, wanted a change before things got really serious (like buying a house with boyfriend). Now I see that what I thought of as monotomous was perhaps just pleasant daily life. Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets whatsoever about leaving this country for a while, but it has also made me appreciate my life here more.
Feels weird writing my first log. How do you write it? What is the aim? Making it interesting for others to read, or being able to voice what I am thining and experiencing? Or can I do both in one? I don't think so... We'll see.