friday septembet 30th

sn internet is wokriing again, butjust in case got drunk with L and boyfriedn (?) anyway at lcal conencticute bar anycasethis eve. lor of fun, he;s nice. OFF TO BED
KATH

Thursday, September 29th

Still no internet, boehoe, I miss it. Have permission to use J’s, just hope it does not mean standing entirely in his garden. Today was not one of the greatest days, everything seemed to be difficult, just trying to look at a computer program was difficult, the secretary would not give me the key to the room without permission from the head of the social psychology department – that kind of stuff. And not having internet does not make life more pleasant. I think I subconsciously do worry about lack of participants. J wants me to look at my data tomorrow to check whether my manipulations are having any effect. I’ll have run 22 participants by then. He’s seeing me so often it worries me (not that our meetings are ever very long), why does he do that? Does he feel I can’t do things on my own? Or realize I am kind of stressed this week? He has so much to do, I don’t want him to feel obliged to see me. Well today was useful, we changed my design again – actually back to something I have been wanting to do for a couple of years (that I think, why did I not do it sooner, I should not have listened to my supervisors).
Otherwise I went to the bar again today, that is a Thursday evening thing. The pressure is up to play soccer on Sunday, there are very few women available and everyone is pushing me to play. It’s just I don’t want to risk my knee, although I really enjoy the soccer being able to run is more important to me (don’t tell them though). I get down when I can’t run, and actually another grad student who runs a lot said she has the same, you miss the endorfines.
This is becoming a really cheery weblog. I’ll stop and try finding a place for me and B to stay, I want the best and then have the feeling I may not be choosing the right region -> I don’t chose at all and if I keep on doing that we wont have anywhere to go…

Wednesday, September 28th

So I came home today and said hopefully “and does internet work again”. L had not even got round to calling. Internet feels like my lifeline, I don’t like being without it. And I should be looking up places to stay with my sweet. But anyway, perhaps I can go stand in the garden tomorrow morning and download my mail via J’s wireless connection (that’s what the person who lived here before me did when internet was not working – well I think she sat on his porch but I was not planning on doing that…).
So I finally went running this evening, only half an hour and went on the track because that is softer. My leg doesn’t hurt, but I can feel the same muscle again, it just feels a bit pulled (but does that normally hurt because this doesn’t?) I hate running on the track, it is complete boredom, and I don’t find it relaxing being on campus when exercising. I like coming home first, throwing my work stuff into my study and going off for an hour in nature.
Oh, I went brick red and splodgy again today, tried to describe my follow up experiment to the lab group + ask their advice within 10 minutes (after they had listened to 2 other people for nearly 2 hours before me). I realized I should have just let my go pass as I was talking and saw all the glassy eyes. But it was too late by then, so instead I decided to change colour and embarrass myself. I still had the same colour when I had to run to be on time for my RA who was running the experiment for me the first time. Looked really relaxed and calming, I did, managed to forget all my papers at the meeting (also the signup sheet) so by the time I got back to her the second time I was not only red and splodgy but also sweaty and panting. Was I glad to come home this evening. Off to get my atlas out of the car and finally try to make a decision about where B (not the dog, the boyfriend) and I should go. The most beautiful area will be beyond its prime as far as fall colours are concerned. If we stay more South (= Connecticut) we stand a chance of seeing some nice colours, only it is not as spectacular as the White mountains. So then I have to chose which of all these areas I don’t know, and can’t find much info about on internet.

Tuesday, September 27th (?)

It feels like being home again: no internet and writing my weblog in word.
So, let’s start with a quick work update on the progress of my experiment. I finally managed to sign up participants for the participant pool on Monday (and gave my apologies to the coordinator for pestering her on Friday, she managed a joke which was even funny so I feel better about that). So, I checked every hour on Monday until T told me to stop because I was getting so depressed. J told me to wait until today before worrying. So now I can worry, I have 7 signups, I have booked a lecture hall which will be filled with 7 students. Yes, it turns out it’s exam time, the coming two weeks. J shrugged his shoulders. What can we do…
Think of more experiments I guess, he came back from his journey to Europe with another idea. I am now writing an IRB for 3 studies, all to be run before I leave. It’s a lot of work but his new idea is exciting, I really enjoyed thinking about it this morning. And perhaps I could run the other one (which is most problematic) when I am home. And at least we have discovered I can run my follow up study in authorware, that makes a big difference (now all I have to do is translate my entire experiment. I asked whether we couldn’t find an RA for the Dutch translations. I am so funny…).
Tomorrow I have my psychological development class. We had to list our skills and talents in all areas (I am good at tennis writes me). This kind of homework does not surprise me anymore since having to look at a list of achievements and publications of one of the staff members here while at a staff meeting. Everyone was asked to report anything important that had happened in the past year, he had this list with articles written, in progress, talks given and symposia organized etc., which he had photocopied and handed out to us. I’ve kept it.
Today I had stats class with a well known statistician (yes, David Kenny indeed) who is very funny and sarcastic. I keep having to giggle at his jokes (even if I am sometimes the only one. I am also the only one to ask a minimum of 2 questions every lecture, so reputation ruined anyway – I’m not only a nerd I also suck up to teachers by laughing at their jokes). He can actually be very sarcastic about himself, which I really like (given, for those of you who don’t know, he is one of the top statisticians in the area, I mean who doesn’t quote Kenny’s site when reporting mediations?). I went to his office yesterday to ask him a question. He was in a bit of a rush but wanted to be helpful, only for some reason he often (actually hardly ever) does not understand my questions. By the time I had explained it to him I had turned brick red and splodgy (did that in front of J today, think he felt rather bad about it and tried to get rid of the colour by relaxing me which did not work so he had to look at splodges for 40 minutes, after that my roommate got to enjoy them). But anyway DK ended up apologizing for not understanding my question which made me feel even worse. But we finally managed to connect and he answered my question and I went off to do my homework. To my amazement I still enjoy his classes, I have never liked statistics…
Otherwise not much to say. I miss my running incredibly, it’s my distraction and relaxation. I am not sure whether my knee would get worse if I ran, given that the soccer seems to be the cause. I am in dubio as to whether to give it a week’s rest and be on the safe side, or to give it a try and see whether the running is ok as long as I don’t do soccer yet. It certainly is not back to normal. So right now all I do is work, and play with the dogs (maybe I will give the running a try tomorrow). It’s difficult to turn off the work, especially when there are new ideas (or participant pool worries). I realize the new idea keeps mulling through my head and exciting me – which is not a bad thing only it keeps on when I go to bed.
Well, I guess that’s all I have to tell. My sweety comes over in 2 weeks and 1 day!

Sunday, September 24th

I think I got my dates a bit confused, just as well otherwise I would have missed my hiking trip on the 1st of October. I don't have that many exciting things to say today except that I followed my mirror advice, the mirror told me "you don't look good, you look stressed and unhealthy". SO I have taken the entire weekend off (the bad conscience disappears after a while). All I did was check my mail in the hope that J would have set an appointment with me for tomorrow, which he has not (he promised me one a week ago but i fear I may not be the only one on the waiting list). Instead I went to the farmers market with L and J's wife which I always love doing, then I let out D's dog for him in a nature reserve (and I'll spare you further details but somehow I attrack shit problems). At least I didn't feel hungry despite missing lunch. RIght now I am praying my knee recovers. It started being a pain after the soccer match on Wednesday, and stayed that way but not too bad. Now it seems to have got worse again after the practice today, I had to turn round after 5 mins of running. I can't do without the running, have got quite addicted to it. I don't know what it is with the soccer that does it, I felt the first twinge after someone ran into me on Wednesday but that was my leg not my knee.
Enough about knees. Ehrm, I have nothing else to write. Time to read guidebooks.

Saturday, September 30th

I hope I did not embarrass myself on my last weblog (have not reread it yet). It was written after some alcohol. I spent part of the night awake worrying after that and had a horrible Friday pestering people. It didn't help, I've had to postpone my experiment, and hope to sort things out on Monday. Things got completely out of proportion too. I went running for 1 hour at the end of the day, and then out to celebrate D's birthday. We had a great dinner (at 9.30 pm) with A and A who are not a couple yet, but who will be soon. He is J's grad student, funny guy, and she is really really nice and Venezuelan and feeling a little lonely here in the States I think. We were immediately invited to her housewarming next week (go to one party and they come flowing in). Just hopes she likes reading, then I don;t have to go to some mall looking for a present. I drove to the mall in Manchester today, expecting to walk through it and do some shopping. Naive, we are in the States, we drive to each shop, a mall is a collection of shops with parking lots in front of them. I drove to 3 parking lots and by then had spent sufficient money (best not to think about how much...) to go home - well actually to get completely lost and have to go into a gas station because my atlas does not help me when I don't know which town I'm in. Came rather late to let D's dog out (T and D are in New York for his birhtday celebration). Let the dog out for quite a while and then had to go grocery shopping still. Somehow my day off went by far too quickly, tomorrow back to work again. Ugh, just looked at work e-mail by mistake - e-mail from both Ras, shut it down before i could read them, why do I do that at 10.20 pm on a Saturday. The way I feel about work at the moment I might be better off taking another day off (as I have always done). Depends a bit on my appointment with J + I can't stay home on Monday because I have to sort out________ (we are not thinking about that tonight).
Anyway bought 2 guidebooks to be able to book weekend with Blove for when he comes (and we celebrate our 5th anniversary!). And had to buy some running gear, and those 4 books are very necessary for my relaxation... Hmm, I know where all that money went. So tomorrow is the match. WE all want to win so badly, and according to A (our captain) we really are the best team in the pool (why then does he let his new love A - see above - play for the first time this season, must really be true love). We do have a new addition to the team, a soccer pro girl - I do hope with all these new women running around that I will be allowed on the pitch?
Time to go read my new books..

Thursday, September 29th

So, my proposal finally passes the IRB. Great, let's post for participants, thinks me on Wednesday at 12am. Naive, so naive, have you not learnt from your past experiences (as J said to me after my first dmv experience)? We are in the States, now we enter the participant pool procedure. "But oh, you'll have it all done by Wednesday, you can run participants on Thursday", I am told. "What, you have a filter, you only want women, oh". Yes, oh, and it was all supposed to be done by this evening but the person who promised this had disappeared to a bridal shower, no even worse, a baby shower (can't people shower babies on their own and leave people to do their work?). Giorgio came by about 15 minutes after I heard this and asked whether I was coming for the happy hour. YES, says me. So happy houring I did at the pub (not too much) and at home. After one hour G told me I looked very different, so much more relaxded, compared to when he had picked me up. Yes, it has been a stressful week, and if I did not have to drive tomorrow evening after Demis's birthday celebration I would definitely have a few glasses to compensate. Trouble is the coordinator of the participant pool (the baby shower girl) is the only person I took an immediate dislike to (and she seems to have the same feeling - she was the one who did not send me an invitation last week, b). She ran into the computer room this afternoon. I said "hi", she said nothing and then raffeled through all my just printed, fresh experimental material (and no one touches that, that is precious). I said, "those are mine", she raffled through what was coming out of the printer, I said "that's mine too", she raffled on some more and ran out of the room. She is supervised by the only faculty person I find irritating and potentially dislikable.
Anyways, enough about her, thanks to her, rather than working on my next study I have to drive to the uni early tomorrow morning (provided she has done her work) to set up the participant pool.
But today was not as bad as yesterday. I don't really feel like thinking about it but we lost the soccer match. And I was really angry about that! The only thing that helped is that, ever since, I have had compliments about how well I played.Well, I want to carry on doing that, if we lose on Sunday, that's end of soccer for the season. So we have to win. I lay in bed thinking of new strategies last night. No one really wanted to listen to them in the bar this eve. I talked to someone who kept saying: "in the economist it says about muslims in HOlland that.... Is that true"? Now, don't get me wrong, the first few times this was quite interesting. But at some point I had to bring up my: How do you get rid of boring men, try to remember, it's been a while strategy. Oh yes: "do you know where the restrooms are?".
J comes back 2 days earlier than I had thought. That makes the suggestion for a meeting on Monday somewhat more realistic, now he's back on Saturday. Just have to get myself a time.
Yes and that was work again, the more I sit behind my comp, the more I worry about that participant pool again - well, actually , the more angry I get. Does that person realize how little time one has to run 3 experiments + get through the IRB (who refused me definite approval for 3 meaningless sentences + a debriefing they had not seen because they scanned the document) in 4 months? No, I didn't think so. She does not have to, she should just keep her promises. Now I am going to have to get in touch with my RAs to see whether they can run more sessions for me. And they have not impressed me so far (my roommate managed to get really good ones by going and advertising at a lecture where I was supposed to advertise as well, only I was screwing on license plates for my car instead....).
Ok,I am going to stop, to look on the bright side, anger is probably more pleasant than frustration (at least you have a feeling of control, you can still go and explode in front of someone - perhaps I should stay at home tomorrow).

Monday, September 18th

I feel itchy, I have felt very itchy ever since I walked in the front door and L told me that big dog had arrived back at the house but unfortunately has fleas. Big dog + house has been treated so it is highly unlikely I have more than a psychological itch. I did say hopefully "oh but I thought you said you would not keep her if she had fleas". Big dog will stay here and I am back to guilt runs again (e.g., tomorrow evening, have not been for 3 days).
Played tennis with grad student this evening. He enjoyed it a lot, I thought it was OK. Got a bit of a shock when he was so enthousiastic he wanted to play again this week ( I mean I like winning 6:1/6:0 but once a week, or a month, is enough). Tomorrow I have my tennis try-out at 11 am (horrible time, have a lot to do..). Am looking forward to that. Tomorrow I also get my IRB back the IRB person e-mailed me today (very kind of her, she realized I am worried). I have instructed my research assistant to work on the questionnaire and piece everything together. I did that because they are supposed to take work off my hands and learn this, but to be quite honest, I prefer to do it myself. Perhaps I should, she kept saying, should I change this. And I kept saying "NO, don't change anything" but what if she does and I don't realize. Student supervision is difficult, I never know whether i am doing it right, and they sit there looking so serious I keep thinking I am boring them and then I explain (too) quickly and then I worry whether they have understood my explanations.
No supervision tomorrow, just (hopefully) IRB work and my stats course. Hope to hear back from J, realized problem with phrasing of one of the main scales of the experiment. It was also inconsistent. Potentially I should be able to solve these problems myself but when it concerns important scales, and it means deviating from the phrasing of this standard scale, I don't have the nerve to decide that on my own. Am I being too dependent, or am I being sensible? Or will he send me back to Leiden as soon as he gets back because he is so fed up with me :-))
Apparently L sent him an e-mail about his overhanging trees (they have all started hanging, probably missing him). He said to go ahead and cut them down if they were hanging into her property and causing damage. At which she sent an e-mail back saying that the only damage had been to me because I backed the car into it. And I had already mentioned to J that the only accidents I ever have in cars is backing into things. he may have had a bit of a giggle at that one... I don;t giggle though, I can't listen to the radio anymore, poor me - and I have to change my cds at incredible speed because the radio comes on (and antenna goes up) whenever I do this. L's friend has offered to mend it this weekend, now I really have to get baking with some Dutch cakes (because I can't cook them I decided to make the ever famous and delicious "Tanhouse biscuits" instead - just need to ask my mother for the recipe.
Time to switch to the TV screen again....

September 17th

The weblog has competition: 16 sex in the city dvd's I borrowed from T. Bliss, finally I can lie in front of the TV brainlessly again!
For all those people who are laughing at me for playing soccer: I am getting better, I even get praised, and I managed to aim some hard shots today - even scoring a goal (ehrm, we did not have a goalee today though). I will be moved back to mid field in the next game, we have had to have a strategy rethink because we played so badly in the last game. No one paid much attention to my strategy contributions, why not??? If we win on Wednesday we go on to the tournament. I hope we do!
On Tuesday morning I have the tennis try-out. The coach actually called me to say it was too rainy and whether i could manage Tuesday. 11 am, great time, if I always have to play at these times I may not be playing much..
The IRB has promised me feedback by Monday, Tuesday at the latest. A relief (I can run next week Tuesday!), and a stressor (should I try to run earlier?). So you see I always manage something to worry about. Had 4 wonderful worry free hours of complete relaxation with another person - probably the first time since I have been here. I did not realize how much I had missed it until I experienced it again: T and I went shopping together and evaluated each others clothes, chatted about all sorts of things and ended up having a salad dinner together. It was such fun, made me very happy!
One more J-less week to go. I am not pleased with him right now. THanks to his tree that was hanging into our drive way after a storm I now have a broken antennae and another scratch on my car. How was I to know backing into an overhanging tree would have such drastic consequences? L laughed very loudly when I asked whether I could hold J liable for the damage :-))
Big dog is coming back again this evening. I guess I was a little too positive about her when I thought she was leaving anyway (all I said is that I could look after her this weekend because I have more time to let her out then - and because I am too much of a chicken to sleep in the house alone with only a little cavalier king charles spaniel, did not say that). i was so looking forward to some guilt-free running this week (which will be hard enough with soccer match and tennis game planned already).
Hmm, perhaps it's time to watch just one more session of sic...

September 15th

Today has been my doggy day. In fact as I write my hands are being licked and my knee kept nice and warm. I got to work late having to let them out and left work at 4 pm in order to shop before going home. As usual the shoppery took longer than expected (but at least this time not because I got lost: I even finally manage to find the shortcut home which really pleased me. Did not manage to shop without once again proving I cannot yet mingle in the big crowd. Was unloading part of my enormous shopping cart full of food (this is only my 4th time shopping in one month) when the cassiere said "do you only have 12 items mam". OBviously not so I had to load everything back into my cart while the person in front of me said "I've never seen that happen before now". Rub it in.
Work is starting to be more productive at the office as well. I have hung up all the fotos I have and bought 3 posters (my roommate may be a little shocked when she gets back from her trip to Germany next week..). Somehow that helps me settle down to things rather than resenting my gray hole. And I had my ultimate moment of pleasure today (sometimes I am a little externally motivated) when J e-mailed me and said he liked the reasoning behind my new idea. I had thought of that suddenly yesterday morning, put it on paper in between phone calls with my love and e-mails with all the rest and then pressed send (it's funny but when I have good ideas I can't sit still anymore, keep distracting myself). I really liked the idea, but it is great when someone confirms that (whether it will work is another question and he did say we have to think about it. But I like the direction we are going in, these ideas excite me - and that's been awhile since I last had that).
Tomorrow I am really going to try and take myself to a mall to buy just one more pair of trousers, but I also need to take the dog out for a long walk and go running. On Sunday I have soccer practice and go to the farmer's market, so the weekend is quite full. I do hope to find some evening activity for tomorrow. As part of the soccer team I have been invited to a party, but as of yet have not found anyone I know who is going - and I am not going without knowing someone fairly well. I spent 2 evenings in a bar feeling inadequate and boring this week, have had enough of that - which is one reason why I am staying alone at home this evening.
It is also absolutely pouring here, so much so that big dog just sat down in the middle of the road halfway through our weight loss walk and refused to carry on - just when a car was coming. We had to turn around and come home. To test her I tried another road off right from the house, she plonked herself down again and looked at me resentfully.

September 13th

So yesterday I had my first official soccer match ever - I managed to stand out as usual by not having an id number and being the only one to wear sunglasses (and be called out because of them). But it was fun. I was in the attack (Still don't understand why they put me there). Which meant I could run a lot and make myself available ay the goal. I would say that by now my only real problem is that I can't shoot the ball hard - the goalee had a great time catching the balls that came slowly soaring towards him. At least our team did have some women who can play soccer, compared to the other team. We won (well we did get a 2:0 headstart because the other team did not have enough women and had to delay starting). After that we went to a bar on campus - where they DID NOT SERVE WINE. Terrible.
Workwise I am frustrated at the moment. I ferry between computer room and my room because I don't have net id and can't therefore access the internet (Finally got myself guest id today, but my net id should have been in last week at the latest). When I am not ferrying I am being a nuisance at the secretary's office ("have you called about my net id?"). And the rest of the time I spend waiting for the IRB to give their comments. I want to run my study in 10 days time, but they are taking a long time to process it and this feels like complete stagnation when I have so little time here. If J were here he could perhaps just inquire (don't know, but perhaps he could tell me whether to inquire, opinions differ on that one). I have enough to do but I don't want to do other things, want to be working on my research.I could work on the follow up but it does to a large extent depend on what we find in the present study. And then there was another idea we were thinking about but I was not convinced and have a whole pile of questions so designing a study for that right now does not seem ideal either. J is sending me frequent e-mails, even asking me whether I am settling in and how I am and whether I am managing to keep busy. He seems to have got the (correct) impression that I am not overly busy, now I have been asked what my ideas for a follow up study are. So that's my task for tomorrow (morning).
Oh, and I have got myself more on track again with activities. Today I went to the 'rec center' and signed up for a hike to the ragged mountains. My research assistant supervises these hikes and she told me to come sometime. And they did not sputter about my lack of id number or American insurance card. Amazing! And while I was there I went and nagged the tennis coach again because his assistant had not called me for a try-out. She turned slightly red when she saw me - but still was not keen on trying me out until she heard she only had to hit a ball for about 15 minutes. I don't care as long as something finally happens that is becoming more tennis like (although I am playing a grad student Friday afternoon - but he is not that good I think). So try-out tomorrow at 11 if it does not rain (which is the forecast..). And tomorrow evening I have dinner with T., just the 2 of us. Look forward to that.
That's it from me, gotta read someone else's weblog now.

September 11th

My day started by picking up two loads of dogshit (federal law prohibits the shitting of dogs as well), it ended walking for an hour through Coventry back lanes with a bag of dogshit. I love dogs, but I hate the cleaning up aspect of them - they seem to feel that and make sure I have to do it at least once when I take them out.
The rest of the day was not too great either. I am tired, and when I am tired I don't feel so happy, and I am dying just to spend an evening talking to someone, not about work but other things. Just talking would be nice, really talking, like you do with people you know well (which restricts the number of persons available for such an activity here). I am not homesick, I am just tired and feeling a little lonely. The tiredness has dampened my activity, I should go to the rec center and try to register for hiking and a tennis tournament. ANd I should call the tennis coach and ask him why he did not offer me a try-out. And whatever I try to do I will probably hear I am a liability and can;t participate. But then I should at least e-mail T and suggest dinner and e-mail D and suggest a tennis session. But I don't feel like calling or e-mailing.
Tomorrow evening soccer game, official one this time. Another grad took part in the Sunday one and she is about as good as I am and said she really enjoyed it. So, who knows, I may too. T is even rethinking participation!
Perhaps I should send some of those e-mails, feeling miserable alone at home has never helped..

September 9th

It's been a while, it's been busy. But I am back, with a Sunday evening glass of wine to tell you of my ostracism experiment. There is a well known ostracism paradigm, which produces extremely strong effects. A participant comes into the lab and 2 confederates are throwing one another a ball, they also throw it to the participant three times, and then continue only throwing to one another. Participants experience very strong emotional reactions to this exclusion paradigm. So do I. I found that out on Thursday evening when I took part in football practice and was part of a 3 men team. They did not shoot me the ball once, even though I was always free, and they did not talk to me, only to one another, and they did not even realize when I stopped doing anything (to test whether they would realize). TO my great disgust I nearly cried, it took immense self control and a lot of deep breathing to survive that first half, and the break. I was then switched by T's boyfriend (=only one who realized what was going on) to the other team. T asked why I don;t stop going, I refuse to give up. I know I can get better and I want to show them that. And, if I don;t cry next time I am going to tell them I am part of the team too and that they should share the ball with me.
T and boyfriend D took me out for dinner after that, where I could get annoyed at a hopeless unfriendly waitress, actually helped (still have to find a good restaurant here).
Friday I finally submitted my paper (long term Leiden project that was), gave me a headache and red head and made sure I could not be very productive after that. Also have accepted 2 RAs (=research assistants). Both are very enthousiastic and I like them and get on well with them. Only thing that worries me is that they are also both very busy, and I don;t know whether other people expect their RAs to work some weeks fulltime every now and then when they run studies. MIne could not I fear. Should probably have found that out before accepting them but the other option was the RA I talked about a few days ago, and to be honest this seemed like a far more attractive option. Friday evening I bumped my way to a faculty buffet dinner and party (they live at the end of a dirt track). Was actually fun I found. Got to know some more graduate students (as well as the husband of the person giving the party, who will invite me to a piano recital at his house, he said - only occurred to me afterwards I was not sure I would feel very comfortable going to that, I like music but perhaps not as much as I appeared to in front of him..) After the party we went to a very downtown (down village more like) place and played pool. Was fun. I then spent half the night wide awake, not used to drinking diet coke instead of wine (Yes, cars do have some disadvantages). Saturday morning bright and early L and I were going to leave for BOston. THat meant i had to get up even brighter and earlier as an unforeseen remark by me has lumbered me with an obese dog for 2 weeks and she had to be let out, as did B because he hates being left out of things (I had said that after 2 weeks running with me she'd be thin again - next day I was told that the owner thought that was a good idea. But I don't dare take her on my 6 mile runs, she'd have a heart attack). Anyway, L asked what I wanted to see in Boston and whether I had looked up activities. I had 2 ideas (seemed enough to me). Little did I know that L likes organization and planning. She thought I would read the entire guide (in some ways she does not know me well yet) and have a plan for the whole day. I said I just start walking and see what happens ("Boston is big" I was told). So everytime we did not quite know where to go, out would come the map and we would have to sit down to plot the route. We ended up giggling at one another - and discovered that otherwise we are quite compatible in towns, we looked at a beautiful museum/house of a lady who collected art and furniture in the 18th century - Isabella Gardner, (my suggestion by the way) and both loved it. That to me was the highlight (just as well given that Blove told me today that I had missed almost all the other Boston sights I should have seen - maybe I should start reading guide books...). I was actually very glad to get back to Coventry. I feel no need to be in towns at the moment, love this peaceful rural life, walking out late at night into the field and looking at the full moon.
work wise next week may be a little more peaceful. J is sending me frequent mails to see how I am (well, today's was to enquire which BElgium beer he should drink, I'd told him to drink a duvel for me). Tomorrow I tell my RAs what to do the coming weeks. I hope by tomorrow afternoon I know what they should do... Have no idea at the moment how to fill 12 hours of someone elses time (that is how much they should work per week, combined together). Perhaps they can do my stats homework for me?
Gotta let out dog.

September 6th

I just realized I have only had my car (drivable) for 1 week and 2 days and I have only been here for a little more than 2 weeks. Both seem like an age. I really feel like I've been here for months - although not if I think how often I still embarrass myself (at least once a day) because I do something that does not fit into this culture (like being too jovial with an assistant professor - happened today and I could feel people cringing, at which I turned brick red; or well, saying toilet instead of restroom, that's when people generally look suprised). I just continuously feel I am different, don't know whether it is my accent or what I say? Probably both.
Today I interviewed another research assistant. She was very nervous and she really did say a series of things she would have been better off not saying ("I forgot what you were doing research about"; "I am a bit behind on my studies so far"; "Do I have to work in the weekends"). She seemed keen on the job but I must say that was not a good first impression and I can't judge whether she would be better when not nervous - and she does have to interact with my participants. Trouble is I don;t have that much choice. I am now sharing one good RA with another grad student and I am waiting to hear from the person I interviewed yesterday, he was good but had little time. Everyone else has managed to find tons of them and I am frustrated.
Otherwise not much happened today, I had my "personal development" class which is interesting. Somethings are going to be helpful, others I realize I am at a later or different stage in my dissertation. we had to talk about roadblocks in our dissertation today and bring in the 'best advice' we could find on internet. I think I am lucky because I like writing, so many people's comments were focused on that.
B is a bit smelly here on my knee, he sometimes aims somewhat unfortunately when being let out, I have to ask where his doggy shampoo is so I can do something about it. Next weekend I get to look after him, look forward to that (must definitely find the doggy shampoo before then!).
This Friday we have a faculty do and everyone has to bring some food. I had just gone shopping yesterday when I heard it today -means I have to go again before Friday. It takes so long to shop, at least one hour. The closest shop without getting lost should be about 15 minutes, but then they are so big, by the time I have navigated through and got home I feel like I've been on an expedition. And all the grad students say "you have to go to the do" in a way that it sounds like an ordeal. I always like our faculty outings in Leiden. But then I worry about myself. Everyone seems so informal here but there is this hidden hierarchy I need to pay attention to. So not more than one glass of wine for me and keep that rule salient in my head.
Tomorrow I talk to a grad student who wants to work with me (she said she had read my article but could not remember what it was about or who had written it). J told me to let her take the lead so I hope I don't have to do too much.

September 5th

At 12.15 today I handed in my IRB! Someone asked me whether I was relieved. The answer is no, I was worried. I spent 1 month working on this and was terrified I might have done something wrong or made some stupid mistake i overlooked. There were so many pages to hand in, surely something must be incorrect. And as soon as I handed it in I started worrying about something else, my lack of research assistants. Everyone is having interviews with piles of them, I have 2 interviews lined up - and I need 2 assistants. My roommate had promised to hand on hers to me, now I hear her, today, promising to hand on to someone else as well. THat annoyed me, very much. And I made clear I was not pleased, and so she kept asking me what to do, when I told her she did not want to do that either, so why ask me I wonder. Why does no one want to be my RA? Other people have hung up posters and had many responses, I have had none. Was my poster too late, or was it not good? I copied T's (with some adjustment). SHe got loads of RA's. Well, my first interview today went well, very enthousiastic student who really came because he liked my topic of research and we got on well. Only problem is he does not know whether he wants/can work for 6 hours a week for me. I fear he is going to call off which would be a shame (and leave me with a problem).
Otherwise I followed statistics class today. I actually find it quite interesting, just find it a shame the teacher does not like my questions, he never understands them and then looks like he might sigh when he does. With other people he says "that's a good question"(but then they generally start out by saying, this may be a stupid question) . Perhaps I should try that.
One of my friends said that she did not read all my weblogs because I am writing an entire bookwork. Should I see that as a compliment? It makes me feel like I come across as someone who finds herself so interesting she thinks everyone will find all her news fascinating. I don't is the answer, this is a nice way of filling my (sometimes empty) evenings and keeping in touch when I am far away. i look forward to this moment in the day and often take a glass of wine up with me to accompany the writing process. So, I know I may be boring some of you, but my advice would be to indeed skip reading all my weblogs - but not to tell me.
To end on a happy note: I am going to visit an old family friend whom I have not seen for 18 years (last time was when I was in the States for half a year) coming weekend. Am greatly looking forward to that! And now I am going to finally read my book, some IRB treat should be allowed (given I spent the first part of the evening doing homework, again).

September 4th

Today was labor day, and I was fed up with working and not being able to go anywhere because i had to work. So I decided to go somewhere and L and I left, with B on the back seat, for a hike along a lake. We drove back with a pungent wet lake smell in our car - that was B after a dive into the lake. Got home and ready for my soccer practice. I realize I don;t like doing sports I am not as good at as others. I had the tendency to shout "but I play really good tennis" every time I missed a goal - which was a number of times. The opposite team was not even bothering to cover me. But, by the end of the practice match I had shot 2 goals and feeling a little more in control of the ball. And I had the feeling I was being covered now and then, but not sure about that... We practice again on Thursday and as of next week we start playing other teams (there are 51 teams taking part!).
Had the ultimate feeling of loneliness as I walked to my car and drove home, don;t know why, perhaps it was walking with D and T who were about to discuss one of T's design problems? It was not homesickness, just feeling alone. Perhaps also because J left today, and my world of people I talk to (really talk to, who ask me how I am, and also know how I am) is very small here - only really 3 people of whom one is gone for what seems like an awfully long time. Although he did keep saying he would be in e-mail contact and even offered me 'his itinary infromation' (probablyso I could call in the worst case). I do not need that but it is sweet. He said his graduate students are like children to him (only they listen more) and that's the way he does treat me. LUckily the loneliness disappeared once I got home. Spent an evening alone here with B, actually doing statistics homework but it was cosy and he lies behind me (on my bed!!!) as we speak. He did try to grovel at my underwear again but I am getting a feel for his naughty moments (found him in L's bed eating doggy cookies earlier this evening).
TOmorrow I have to get up very early. I want to hand in the IRB (my research proposal for the ethical committee) but still have a number of things to do, and I may be called for a tennis try-out and would not want to miss that - although by now I am sincerely hoping they will not call, I really don't have time for this tomorrow. I am a bit stressed, the IRB is the most important, the sooner it goes in the sooner it will be reviewed, but I don't want to miss my statistics classes either. And I am not sure i will manage both... This trip to the States is proving hard work. I may not yet be driving my car everywhere yet but I have already reached the state of living for my work (I was already worried how I would work next weekend given I am going to BOston and to Avon).

september 3d again

I don;t have much to say today because all I did the whole day was work. I heard myself say during my meeting with J that I could finish the research proposal by the end of the day - and then he would be able to scan it before he leaves, he had offered. I asked again to make sure at the end, and yes, he did want it today. Me sits down and discovers that the idea of also running and cleaning might not work out. It seemed like I did not have that much left to do but when you get down to the nitty gritty details on Sunday afternoon things start looking different. I managed to send it off at the end of the day, go for a run and take L out for dinner on time. Just never got round to reading the newspaper, my book, listening to music, cleaning or any other standard weekend activity. Tomorrow is a bank holiday here, only problem is I realized I have a pile of homework left to do for my statistics course, so that's on the agenda for tomorrow (and I can tell you I''d rather work on my research proposal than do that...). But, to look on the bright side, soccer training at the end of the afternoon. And I prefer having a lot to do then the empty days of the past weeks.
So, that's my (comparatively) boring weblog of a rainy SUnday.

september 3d

Yes, I made it through one day without logging, wel kind of. Just back from my round of poker. I will need to practice a little more in the future, have not yet quite got the hang of it but enjoyed myself anyway. Got there an hour early for a practice session but ended up talking to T the whole time so not very much practice it was + that she did not have a card deck so had to write everything on paper to explain.
Otherwise I talked a lot on the phone today, worked a lot too and visited the consignment shop of L's friend in Coventry and bought a blouse. We then continued on to the son of L;s friend who cranked up my car to check out the klonk. He says everything looks good! I now happily drive over potholes again. We did decide to take the spare tyre out of the car just to test whether that was causing it. I ended up running down the entire hill and fishing it out of the bushes - thought I'd manage to stop it at the garage but it got away and would not be stopped. L was standing at the top of the hill shrieking with laughter (while I did the same at the bottom of it).
So, should be off to bed, came home on time to be fit for last J meeting tomorrow. And need to do some more work before we meet. I am adjusting to American culture far too quickly, actually enjoyed working today..

September 1st

Weekend. And it's evolving into a less scary one than I had worried it might be. Went to play tennis with T and D today and then off for dinner. I was driving behind them (they are a couple) and painfully realized that my other couple half is far away and would not be joining us at the restaurant. My weekends usually start by reading the newspaper in bed with my other couple half and giggling as he tries to ignore me reading parts of it to him. My other couple half does not like talking very much before at least 2 cups of coffee. Wish I could bring him those cups tomorrow morning.
So, back to Coventry life. Tomorrow I will have another attempt at trying to find a faster way to the shops, and try not to spend such a long time trying to find my way in them. I hate shopping here, it is tooo big. And maybe I will have my car checked as well. It klonks but only when I drive over bumpy parts. We have tried to locate the klonk, 2 people think it is at the back of the car, I think it is at the front - but perhaps I should check whether the tire in the back is not lose or suchlike. I do not want to have to leave my car behind for labor day weekend (would mean only getting it back on Tuesday). But I am at the moment also wary of driving long distances with it until the klonk has been checked.
Tomorrow is also the day of poker, and the day of work. J wants me to come by (or perhaps he does not want but we would have had to have a more organized meeting today, I said I had a long list of things but he was here there and everywhere - and said going away for 3 weeks seemed like such a nice idea a few months ago, but not anymore). So Sunday I go by but I want my manipulations entirely finished by then. Sunday eve I take L out to celebrate the getting of the car. i was at an orientation of the international center today with 6 other people and I was the only one who already had a car. Felt so proud of myself. Otherwise it was a worthless intro, why not make sure people have an opportunity to get to know one another? We were sat there, the person introduced himself for 10 minutes and then started on all sorts of visa issues (he did ask each which country we came from). Then we were ferried out of the room again. And they don't really organize activities, yes a bustrip tomorrow but that he announced was already full. Useless, and a waste of time. Have offered to send 2 people info about how to be succesful at the dmv (maybe I should write a book..).
Oh and monday we seem to be playing sokker! I would not call this a social life yet, but it is better than nothing. And on Tuesday I may be allowed to come by for a tennis try-out. If I am acceptable they may let me hit with some women from the women's team (although the training is still a no-go for me). Just a bit wary about itbecause the person would not agree on a time with me but said she would call. I hope she wont pull out. Could not find info about any tennis club in the area, have not seen courts either. So who knows I may be running marathons by the time I get back..

August 31st

American culture is weird. I finally managed to speak to someone from the uconn tennis section. THey only have tennis teams that compete at a fairly high level. But I can't compete because it's only for undergraduates and I am not an undergraduate. Can I come and train with them? No, because of liability issues, if something happened to me and I was not a member of the team there would be a big problem. Can that not just be my problem, I am medically insured. So, no training for me. I am allowed to come by and they will have a look at how well I play and then maybe someone will be prepared to hit some extra balls with me - but those someones are likely to be undergraduates who are 12 years younger than I am. I wonder how that will work out.
Also have been looking for walking clubs. There is a coventry running club that meets every Saturday at 7.45 am for a work out - I don't think so!
Anyway, tomorrow I will continue my alcohol hunt - they make drinking difficult. Yesterday they kept announcing at the store that it was nearly 9pm and that we could not buy any beer after that. It was only 8.15 on both my watches but I did not dare take any beer with me, as I only finished my shopping at 8.30 (= "after 9 pm"). And I already knew I was going to make a bit of a fool of myself by asking where I was. I am continuously making a fool of myself. I don't think I was supposed to help the cassiere pack my shopping either, no one else does - but she was kind of slow and it felt odd to stand there doing nothing.
Tomorrow is J's last day for the coming 3 days. I start running my experiment the day he gets back so we have a lot to sort out in our last (only 1 hour) meeting tomorrow. I wish he were not going, it scares me. I need him. He's even driven me out of the university campus when he heard I got lost on the way in - after stopping me in my car to yank at my emergency break and then telling me NOT to use it EVER ("no, not even when you park on a hill"). But that obviously is not why I need him, it's the research support. I was having a bad day yesterday, both privately and workwise. The work part I told him (I don't think this is a good manipulation says me - and to my disgust feel tears welling up, can luckily keep them down). He says "I always think my ideas are great when I first think of them, then I hate them and after that I think they are OK". That helped, and he helps because he listens to my ideas and then develops them (or says this is ok for now, this is the FIRST study).
SO I guess any weblog reader (if there are any, have still not got many e-mails so I believe not many people are reading here...) will be glad J. is leaving, no more J stories (but we may get more B stories and is that any better? I wont tell the last one, L would not like that - it was slightly embarrassing)
This weekend I play poker. I get a one hour lesson before the rest of the group arrives so I don't lose too much money. What a person will not do to get out of the house... Sunday evening I take L out for a thank you dinner. OTherwise it is supposed to rain this weekend... I am going to try and find a walking map in any case. And some shops.
Now off to bed, lots to do before meeting tomorrow morning (was hoping it would be in the afternoon, preferably the last person - always get more time then...).