Wednesday, December 13th

Finally went for a run today, and felt a lot happier. Spent the morning trying to decide on mortgages, poor B going nuts with these two mortgage advisors, writing an IRB (not finished), and getting e-mails from people in Leiden about J. being there (which made me wonder whether i should have gone back on time for this conference). By the time I was driving through the woods to the university (in the rain) and has spent an hour in the Starbucks saying good-bye to one of the grad students, I had no regrets anymore. I am glad I have this extra week, even if it is hectic and I can't profit from some end of term extra supervision. Cleared out my office today, that is one place I know I definitely will NOT miss. Someone said to me today how great they found it that I had actually created a life here, with a lot of people I know and do stuff with, and that he could imagine I felt sad leaving. I thought that was nice, and I do feel very sad. And L looks so sad, I have stopped looking at her when I mention leaving. She is not only dropping me off at the airport, she is also dropping off her second doggy, whom she loves to bits that day. In the evening she even drops of B at J and L's house (=supervisor + wife) because she is going on a brief holiday with her J. So a lot of good-byes for her in one day. I have no idea when I say good-bye to supervisor J, he murmured something about coming by to give him some spss thing on Sunday, so I guess I'll see him then. Makes planning the weekend a little difficult, I do want to say good-bye. But I should no plan the weekend anyway because I need to spend it sitting on my suitcases compressing the content into something that will close. 300 X 13 pages of questionnaires + whole pile of new articles i had to print + 10 new books + 2 pairs of new shoes (and then a few new clothes but we wont mention them...). L is offering me boxes, I may need them...

Tuesday, December 12th

Stupid K thought she was buying herself a picture frame to put pictures in. Having taken some ugly brown paper off the back, K discovered she had bought herself a picture frame with a peach picture in it which was firmly attached and sealed off with brown paper on the back.
Having taken off the back I guess I can't return it (but will try). I was going to get ahead of schedule by making nice collage for J (L's boyfriend) already this evening. now I have to figure out where to get a proper picture frame - and that will have to be at the weekend. What started as a peaceful week has turned out stressful (how could I take the weekend off??). Trying to learn about mortgages, spending mornings on the phone about them, realizing that letting someone else run 2 of your studies + finding research assistants to help her is quite some work, discovering mistakes in medialab study when looking at it with her, realizing you have not yet programmed one part of your experiment, needing to clear out a room and design an entire experiment was well as handing it in to the IRB + hand in amendments of an old study to the IRB because you decided to run a few men as well as women and probably a few more things I have suppressed right now - that is more than I had banked on early this week. I have my good-bye party this Friday and felt I should help with the preparations. Today I offered to make a start by getting wine tomorrow evening - hopefully that will make up for at least one hour less of helping, I was only going to work on Friday morning but I feel like a need about 3 Fridays to get all this stuff finished. If I don't I'll have to work when I get home which I do not want to have to do.
Yesterday I took my RAs to lunch, was really nice. They are fun, and we had a nice lunch. When I asked for feedback about supervision they were so positive, that was really nice, felt much better about my teaching skills afterwards. One of them said it had really touched him that I had made the effort to come and look at a poster he was giving (I went to a undergrad poster session with Tamar, the one I wrote about). So, I felt happy about that. But then J was so nice about something that was potentially quite problematic that I felt so sad about leaving I had to retreat very quickly from his room. Luckily he has left for Europe now and does not have much opportunity to be nice to me anymore. I nearly cried hugging Bailey too this morning so I wonder what state I will be in when I leave next week Monday... L looked like she would cry too when I told her how late my plane leaves. Leaving is so sad, even if going home is exciting (if someone would just give me a crash course in mortgages and then tell me why we are chosing the right one, so much money involved, and so little knowledge on my part - I feel I should acquire more otherwise I may have regrets, but how?)
I'm off to bed, need to catch up on some sleep and work very hard tomorrow (if I can, may spend morning discussing mortgages).

Sunday, December 10th

8 more days and then I leave, I am sad. The weekends and weeks get busier as the end of my trip approaches. Friday we celebrated T's birthday party with all the grad students. It was fun. I was one of the first to leave (at 12pm), but given I was the oldest there I feel I am allowed to lack the stamina of all these youthful people. I also had to have some energy left to spend most of the day cooking and cleaning. Amazed me how long it took, all i did the entire day was cook, clean, go for a 1 hour run and lie on bed 45 minutes recovering. It was curry D-day, having a thank-you and good-bye dinner for those who have been a big help and support in my time here, my supervisor J and wife L and the person who rented me the room L and her boyfriend J (and yes I did get confused and mix up names yesterday evening). I was rather nervous about cooking curry for them - as my mother can certify in the form of a number of "help, how many potatoes", help how high should the oven be and suchlike e-mails. But it worked, and it was a success. I even survived my rice overcooking and L picking it up and saying "K, you've let the rice overcook AGAIN", as they all stood around me having their drinks.. And drinks they did have because my dinner would not reheat in the oven, I was getting a little frantic there... But most importantly it was harmonious and not the slightest bit uncomfortable. I had a great evening and I think they did too. So I was happy and pleased with myself when I woke up this morning. I was also very weary, so L and I went for a nice day long hike - and now I feel even wearier. I wait to go to bed.
Our house is coming along, we signed a temporary sales agreement, now we have to figure out a mortgage. With my knowledge and understanding of mortgages, being at a distance is not good (well maye it is , but does not promote understanding). I have trouble even with the basic mortgage terms, and I blame that on my lack of any economics classes at school. But blaming does not help when you're talking about a lot of money so I have B explain it to me again, and I try to look at internet sites. And we talk about the changes that need to be made in the house (few, phew!). And about trying to get the key to the house the day I come back - exciting and scary.
So I want to come home and I really don't. And I think the really don't will become want to once I see my sweetie with a big sleepy grin waiting for me at Schiphol, and we then go to look at our house.

Thursday, December 7th

I have developed this talent for turning brick red in this country. It has been a slow development but I have fully mastered it the past few weeks. Luckily I know exactly when it is coming, so I can fully enjoy the experience. It's great, what do you want more than to turn red and blotchy when you are trying to be unconcerned and professional - such as when meeting a new student you would like to work for you. Even better, my talent manifests itself all the stronger the more people are around. Today there were 4 students + J watching, hooray, let's all enjoy this.
I have also started the "lasts", tonight was the last time I went to the bar, tomorrow is the last time I go out with all the grad students and the last time I have a content meeting with J. On Saturday is my goodbye and thank-you dinner for L and J and L and J (person renting me house + boyfriend and supervisor + wife). I feel tired even just thinking about it, how am I to survive all the lasts when I have also had so many firsts this week. First time buying a house, first time thinking about mortgages, first time having an enormous repair price for my car (which I thought I'd have to pay) . I'd love a day off with nothing to think about or figure out. Instead I will be up early to prepare the meeting I may have with J if he has time. Perhaps I should just cancel it and take it easy tomorrow, that would please him as much as me probably. Only thing is I am stuck, and I don't want to leave connecticut without some kind of concluding meeting.
Otherwise not much happening, got a whole set of silly jokes from someone who should know better today, that kept me busy. Then had to rush to the university because I made a complete mess of the credit assignment for participants who took part yesterday - and they fail if they don't get enough credits, but I was not sure which of 4 women had actually turned up for my study. Very pleased with myself I was, here I am telling my RAs off when they do things like this and I run one study and make a complete mess of it (I also ran out of questionnaires for men, so had to give someone one for women and tell him to read every 'woman' word as 'man'. Luckily I don't need the men anyway so it did not matter. But I again had 8 men and only 2 women, bit of a waste of time that is.
You know, I am really looking forward to getting home again, and then going off to Wengen!

Sinterklaas

So life comes with its ups and downs and today started up and ended a little down. My first phone call in my stats class was the RA needing help (and she would not have if she did not always forget pieces of paper or signup sheets...). The second was the car firm but I did not take that one. I had a foreboding, I had taken the car in because the check engine light i had mended last week started burning again. THe good news is I don;t have to pay for that because it was their fault. THe bad news is I had told them there was a clonk under the car (has been since I started driving it) that might be the cause of the problem. The clonk was not the cause of the problem, but the clonk is caused by a problem, something with the suspension. NOt dangerous, just 750 dollars to spend. I am not willing to spend that kind of money on a car I just sold yesterday. But I cannot sell it without mentioning the clonk - I mean I could potentially but I wont. So then I thought myself and future buyer could split the costs. Now that seemed fair until L and J informed me I could have sold my car for 2000 dollars more than I am doing, they looked it up on internet. They suggest I tell this person I am selling it cheaply and say I will do the repairs for her but she has to pay for it given she can make money on the car (as opposed to losing the 1000 dollars i will have lost if I do all the repairs it needs). J also says he can sell it for me in a week (and we would do a percentage deal so he would also profit from this). So, if I don;t worry about this other person I don't have to lose money. If I do, I don;t know what to do. If I had my time over I would ask more for the car, and I would anyway have sold it for more if it had not been that I know her. So, potentially I may be the one who loses out if we share the repairs because she can resell it at a much higher price than I sold it to her. But I know she does not have that much money, so to suddenly ask 750 dollars extra seems like a bad deal for her right now. HELP! So I guess I sleep on it.
Otherwise uneventful day, busy, but got little real work (read: IRB protocol) done. One more day of RA supervision and then that's it, we go for coffee and I have to do my own work again - but will I be glad not to have this daily supervision anymore, even if it does mean we are not running anymore subjects. I like both of them but the one is a real liability, I have to keep a very close eye on her without making it too obvious. Tomorrow morning again disrupted because I have to pick up the car, did not want to ask L to drive me again this evening and tomorrow morning i can get a driving service of the car company. So their little mistake has cost me a number of precious morning working hours.
Time to get back to my new itune story discovery, I finally have a beautiful red 8GB ipod - am I glad I bought it before i heard about the car...

Monday, december 4th

Today B and I bought a house. We are going to live in a 5 room house on a little square in Amsterdam with a roof terrace. I still float...

December 1st

We have a christmas tree. L said she bought it for me - I was saying there is nothing nicer than a real christmas tree, why does she not have one. I am going to miss her, I never have a christmas tree early december at home. But people have really got out their decorations, some gardens are truly better than disney land. Have to take care not to crash my car as I stare with an unbelieving grin on my face. Christmas decorations in the States are as abundant and varied as bikes in NL.
I am starting to feel sad and a little melancholic as I cuddle the dogs, drive home, think of what to do at the weekend, see J., chat to L.. 2 more weeks and my adventure is over. Luckily B has booked us into our favorite delicious good restaurant in Amsterdam 2 days after I get back. The thought of that will keep me going when I am having trouble leaving :-))) And no, it has never occurred to me that I may resemble my father...
Yesterday evening I had an evening of complete relaxation and happiness. I had to run my study at a different university about 40 minutes away, and I had to be there on time. Being anywhere on time in a car is stressful for me here. I seem to get lost wherever I go (and I wonder whether americans print out maps for everyone or whether I have got myself a reputation, everyone seems to do it - L always shouts "wait, I am printing directions for you". Anyway, I got myself there in a big sweat, took the most indirect route I could. Managed to take the highway in the wrong direction on the way home, and so happy to have finished the experimentation part of the evening that it took me quite a while to realize. So I had accomplished that, and I managed to get my computer program to work. We ran about 40 participants this week. Unfortunately, for some unknown and unpredicted (by J - "run men as well, there wont be that many") reason, I have 90 percent men taking part in my experiment. I ran 32 men and 7 women this week - and I only need women so that is a little frustrating. Today I realized I need to include an extra questionnaire, that scares me, trying to program it and worrying for some reason my program may decide not to work again. But it's an idea I want to test for a follow up study so it must go in. I had to leave at 7.45, nto finished but unable to think.
My morning work went down the drain due to housing issues. B looked at a house and thought it might be an option. It is a difficult one, we had the agreement that we would only buy something unseen by me if he saw it and thought "wow". he did not have that but he thought it would be very suitable. And we have only had the wow thing once in almost a year, so should we wait for that, given we would like a house at some point. But, he walked in and met the downstairs neighbour who was not pleasant. Now, for me that is important. So methinks, this is not a house we can buy without me seeing it - and I could, but then I go home 2 weeks early. And I don't want to. But i do want us to have a house together. So what do we do? We think, is our solution, and on Monday we decide. Right now I don;t think, I would finally like a good night's sleep.
I do have to think about the good-bye party L. wants to give for me. It scares me so I did not react very enthousiastically. she wants me to invite my fellow grad students and then her friends whom Ive met will come. But here friends, whom I like, are around 50, my fellow grad students are 25, and I find it difficult to communicate with them. I foreseen some problems, I already have trouble connecting to them, how are these groups going to connect? Plus, given I do not feel that connected, do I want to host a party for them? I wanted to go to the pub for drinks with a group of them, nice and informal and I don;t feel too responsible. But I don;t want to offend L. So what do I do? I stick my head in the sand and do nothing (so far) which means I don;t have party and don;t have pub either. Anyone got some good advice on that one? Oh and next problem is when? NExt weekend supervisor + wife come for dinnner (help) and the weekend after most grad students will be gone (but not all, and some of the nicer ones are still there).
Time for bed. It is finally weekend, I hope to have sweet dreams about a good birthday present for T's 30th.