Tuesday, October 17th

It's been awhile and I've been to Philadelphia and back. Arriving at Philadelphia airport was so exciting, I could hardly wait for the plane to land. I was greeted by 3 smiling faces and 3 big hugs when I got through customs. Blove and my parents had all arrived from Amsterdam an hour earlier and waited for me. Lovely to see them again. We went out for dinner and it was just like the good old times in Holland (we always have fun and never run out of things to say - and had to listen about complaints of wet trousers that would not have been wet if we had waited for the rain to stop - as I say, some things never change!). The next day was spent in Philly with my parents, very relaxing - we walked, eat and went shopping. Then the SESP conference started. I did not like this conference last year (felt inadequate, unimportant and shy), this year I remembered once again why I had decided not to go again last year. I guess I thought having J to introduce me to people would help, but it was scary. What do you say to someone you have never met before who has no reason to be interested in you and is standing there looking at you, as is your supervisor. I say, hi and goodbye (well not quite but almost) - which does not make for lasting good impressions.Probably my best one was when, after mutually staring at one another for what seemed like an age at lunch I, by way of conversation, said to this person "I liked your talk". Now don't get me wrong, I had been to her talk, the problem was I could not remember for sure which topic she had talked about. She then asked me about my research, and, as generally happens to me when I try to explain my research to others, did not understand what I was saying. She finally asked "is this similar to what I do in my research". That is very difficult to answer when you have no idea what "my research" is. After a long silence from my side we ended up changing the subject completely. I did learn from this experience!
I spent a lot of time at the conference with my parents too, which I usually do not. I wanted to see them a lot, but the conference setting made me uncomfortable. Leaving them was horrible, especially as my mother was so upset - and I felt so bad because I knew she would be less so if we had not decided to give up the idea of their visiting me (how can I be a good host when I work both evenings and weekends?). Not nice, and I miss them, we have such fun together.
Now Blove is here. He is still getting a little used to living in a house with someone else living there as well but has adjusted well to the daily work rythm (i.e., he turns around when the alarm goes off at 7 and sleeps for another hour) - no it works out well, we work at home in the morning and then he goes and works in the library when we are at uconn. I got a brief taste of my forgotten home life when we had 2 drinks in the pub last night (before having to leave because I had to finish my stats homework..). I am so work focused here I have forgotten what life used to be like, and I am having to find a way of remembering that a little. Does not help that I met with J yesterday and gave him a planning of the rest of my stay. I had written down that I could write a report for the ethical committee of one study by the end of the week. I made it clear that writing one on two studies would not be possible. J announces that handing in to the IRB on Friday is not necessary, they will not be doing much before next week Tuesday. So, his suggestion: hand in the proposal on Tuesday and include two studies. It did not hit me until I had left the room that I had agreed to do something I had basically said was impossible. "No can do" is an unknown phrase in his vocabulary (we're talking about someone who wrote a chapter of 38 pages in 24 hours). So I was somewhat stressed yesterday, and worried about my guest here. Should I be taking my computer along for the weekend? No, obviously not (although I do take my stats homework). But how am I supposed to entirely design 2 studies (including theoretical background, method, procedure and dependent measures as if I were running the studies)? I have no answer to that yet, my answer of taking this evening off because I could not face work and feeling bad about working when Blove is here is perhaps not the best coping strategy. But I worked until 10pm last night and was behind my desk at 7.30 again. At least when Í get back I will know what really working hard is, and I'll know I am capable of it. And I'll know that if this is how people function in this culture it may not be the kind of place I would want to live in permanently (although a few years working with J would be complete joy).
Enough for now. gotta look up the weather forecast for this weekend.