More of our outing on Sunday, October 29th

Monday, October 30th

Time flies when you have company. And now I already feel sad, he is leaving in 2 days, we are already discussing what to do on our last evening together (have dinner just the 2 of us or go out for dinner with L and J = person who rents me her house + boyfriend). I have got very used to having him here, we would work together in the mornings at home, then drive to the university where

he would disappear into the library, and I would go to my grey hole, to be picked up round about 5 or 6 to drive home again and have dinner together. It's going to feel lonely without him when I drive back from the airport on Wednesday. Life will become more work focused again (says she who just managed to take off 2 weekends + part of Monday - with bad conscience but still better than the past weeks). I even manage to sleep whole nights since he has been here.

But, I treasure my last not quite two months here - however much I don't want him to go, I do not want to go with him, not one hair of me has thought, I wish I could step on that plane to Amsterdam (hairs have thought, if he stayed here..)

So the picture is of a drive we took on Sunday down the connecticut river to the shore. We never really got to stand by the sea because it is all private property, but we had a great time. Also visited New Haven which B liked (and I knew I liked). Took some good pictures of me leaning on my car - to treasure later on when I tell my children, this was the first car I ever had, and I only got it when I was 31 (and then managed to back it into a tree so the antennae did not work, and the windows decided to stop opening so every time I had to pay toll I had to open the door to take the ticket...).

OK, so I guess I have to add text if I publish on the left. This was on our long hike, and having taken the first 3 stones we got a little stuck (which still is better than trespassing across other people's land in order to make dinner on time).

Tuesday, October 24th

Today 5 years ago I was spending a night wide awake in bed, very happy, with a curly head happily sleeping next to me. Tonight we went to celebrate this, 5 years ago Blove and I finally got together after a dinner of knakworstjes and soup. It seems like yesterday in some ways. This evening was only a pub dinner celebration, our real celebration dinner was this weekend. WE actually nearly missed it as we woke up at 7.15 pm having dropped into bed after a long hike. 7.15 was also the time the taxi was supposed to pick us up and take us for our special dinner. So that was dinner without makeup on, it was lovely, despite the sleepy hectic start. The whole weekend was great, we went to the BErkshires, a hilly area in Massachusetts (I should know how to write this..). It took me a while to switch off from work, had been particularly unpleasant working week. But we had such a beautiful long hike and we were reminiscing about the nicest moment in our 5 year relationship - there were too many to chose just one..
Ok, I will stop my romantic reminiscences. I don't have that much to write, my study is not working, I am writing a new IRB to apply to the ethical committee to run a follow up study, and I meet J this Friday to hopefully discuss some theoretical issues I have been worrying about. He has been a good mentor recently, even when he had me dropping a few tears in his office last week (very embarrassing, will not be repeated).
The doggies are both here still, happily chewing apart any toy animals they can get hold of, glad I did not bring one of mine (the way I was feeling the day before I left I was very inclined to, only reason none crossed the ocean was luggage constraints).
B pointed out that my weblog reads as if I am not having a good time, i would like to point out that I am. I use this weblog to digest the aspects of my life here that are more difficult (also because I do not have anyone to talk to about them on a daily basis!), so sometimes it may seem as if I don't have fun here, but I do. Most of all I really enjoy my work here, so if I work a lot, I am also enjoying myself. And that for me is a new and good experience, good in that in the long run it may make it easier for me to know what I want in my career.
Oof we're getting serious here. I could recount my stats class comment of hte day. We were talking about dichotomous variables and that if you wanted to study them you might need different types of stats programs. DK pointed out that, for example, life versus death is a dichotomous variable - to add that the way he is feeling today he might also consider it a continuous variable. I thought that was very funny. But maybe you have to hear it to laugh (or you just have to be me- I wouldn't).
So, that's all from me for today.

Tuesday, October 17th

It's been awhile and I've been to Philadelphia and back. Arriving at Philadelphia airport was so exciting, I could hardly wait for the plane to land. I was greeted by 3 smiling faces and 3 big hugs when I got through customs. Blove and my parents had all arrived from Amsterdam an hour earlier and waited for me. Lovely to see them again. We went out for dinner and it was just like the good old times in Holland (we always have fun and never run out of things to say - and had to listen about complaints of wet trousers that would not have been wet if we had waited for the rain to stop - as I say, some things never change!). The next day was spent in Philly with my parents, very relaxing - we walked, eat and went shopping. Then the SESP conference started. I did not like this conference last year (felt inadequate, unimportant and shy), this year I remembered once again why I had decided not to go again last year. I guess I thought having J to introduce me to people would help, but it was scary. What do you say to someone you have never met before who has no reason to be interested in you and is standing there looking at you, as is your supervisor. I say, hi and goodbye (well not quite but almost) - which does not make for lasting good impressions.Probably my best one was when, after mutually staring at one another for what seemed like an age at lunch I, by way of conversation, said to this person "I liked your talk". Now don't get me wrong, I had been to her talk, the problem was I could not remember for sure which topic she had talked about. She then asked me about my research, and, as generally happens to me when I try to explain my research to others, did not understand what I was saying. She finally asked "is this similar to what I do in my research". That is very difficult to answer when you have no idea what "my research" is. After a long silence from my side we ended up changing the subject completely. I did learn from this experience!
I spent a lot of time at the conference with my parents too, which I usually do not. I wanted to see them a lot, but the conference setting made me uncomfortable. Leaving them was horrible, especially as my mother was so upset - and I felt so bad because I knew she would be less so if we had not decided to give up the idea of their visiting me (how can I be a good host when I work both evenings and weekends?). Not nice, and I miss them, we have such fun together.
Now Blove is here. He is still getting a little used to living in a house with someone else living there as well but has adjusted well to the daily work rythm (i.e., he turns around when the alarm goes off at 7 and sleeps for another hour) - no it works out well, we work at home in the morning and then he goes and works in the library when we are at uconn. I got a brief taste of my forgotten home life when we had 2 drinks in the pub last night (before having to leave because I had to finish my stats homework..). I am so work focused here I have forgotten what life used to be like, and I am having to find a way of remembering that a little. Does not help that I met with J yesterday and gave him a planning of the rest of my stay. I had written down that I could write a report for the ethical committee of one study by the end of the week. I made it clear that writing one on two studies would not be possible. J announces that handing in to the IRB on Friday is not necessary, they will not be doing much before next week Tuesday. So, his suggestion: hand in the proposal on Tuesday and include two studies. It did not hit me until I had left the room that I had agreed to do something I had basically said was impossible. "No can do" is an unknown phrase in his vocabulary (we're talking about someone who wrote a chapter of 38 pages in 24 hours). So I was somewhat stressed yesterday, and worried about my guest here. Should I be taking my computer along for the weekend? No, obviously not (although I do take my stats homework). But how am I supposed to entirely design 2 studies (including theoretical background, method, procedure and dependent measures as if I were running the studies)? I have no answer to that yet, my answer of taking this evening off because I could not face work and feeling bad about working when Blove is here is perhaps not the best coping strategy. But I worked until 10pm last night and was behind my desk at 7.30 again. At least when Í get back I will know what really working hard is, and I'll know I am capable of it. And I'll know that if this is how people function in this culture it may not be the kind of place I would want to live in permanently (although a few years working with J would be complete joy).
Enough for now. gotta look up the weather forecast for this weekend.

Sunday, October 8th

I finally did something this weekend, I took myself on my private K-excursion by car. Half an hour's drive and I was at Bigelow Hollow state park. Well, I was not entirely alone, had a little brown and white creature with me who stuck his nose to the ground and wagged his way through the entire 5 mile hike (maybe he did stop wagging when he fell into the pond, had to fish him out, he looked a bit surprised). It was a beautiful hike, I went around a big pond. Felt completely knackered when I got back - and still had to make my way to a housewarming party that evening (we'll not mention the data I was supposed to enter - nor the stats homework I still have not done, and don't know when and how I will manage before coming Tuesday).
Housewarming party was fun untill I ended up in discussion with T about my way of working and J. It went down the wrong way with me, think she meant to be nice. I went home, she did not realize the effect her talk had on me.
This Friday B and I finally saw a house we really liked, the first since the last one we did not get. I was so excited, pushing him to call and make sure he could see it soon (he found me quite irritating, amazing that I can even do that at such a distance :-)) It was just the part of town we want to be in, the right amount of rooms, a balcony, nice, sunny etc. Only problem is that the first viewing is the day B leaves for the States to visit me. So no can do. Sometimes it feels like our house search is doomed, we see one house every 4 months that we want to have and it always comes at the wrong time (last time was hte day before I left for the States). I worry about our housing, when are we going to move together? We'll have been together for 5 years in 2 weeks, and of that time together we have spent half of it not being able to live together despite wanting to. That and the manipulations that are not working and not knowing what to do about it was quite a lot to digest on Friday (+ the fact that I had to know what I was doing by 3.30 pm which was when I had to run subjects). I wrote a manipulation while not able to think, which worried me, and still does. THe manipulation actually seems to work but I still worry I put a confound in there, and I am still not able to think, very frustrating. I worked today but did not get enough finished so tomorrow is going to be a race against time again (I leave for a talk at Yale at 10 am). I thought about skipping the talk but I had arranged to meet someone there as well and the talk is about an area in which J had suggested doing some research in (and I found the idea very interesting, want to learn more about it). And I just really want to go...
So, 3 more days and then I leave for Philadelphia. REally look forward, meet both B and parents at airport (if all goes well). Will be very exciting. And then finally a day off, we go look at philadelphia. And on Wednesday we all have dinner together - although they are likely to fall asleep on me, I will be the only one without jetlag!

Thursday, October 5th

try number 3 and my manipulation is still not working. I was going to relax this evening but spent it staring at my data instead. And the glass of wine I have just treated myself corks. Given this is an 11 dollar wine I would normally take it back to the shop but I went to this wineshop when I was lost a couple of weeks ago. Got advice from a very nice man who told me this bottle was the tops (he did not tell me half his wines cork, this is the second corking one, had to throw the last one away = 8 dollars literally down the drain). Even if I could reconstruct my way to the shop, it was truly in the middle of nowhere - and it was the kind of nowhere I don't want to see again.
To look on the bright side of things, the trees are starting to turn colour. It is so beautiful I stare in amazement (not a good idea when you are in the car, am going to have to stop once on the way to work, I come by such a beautiful spot I am in danger of crashing the car otherwise). I am hoping to go on a long hike this weekend and take some photos (except that the manipulation problems is backing me up on all my other work, e.g., writing an IRB, doing stats homework, thinking about J'sother idea etc.). And on MOnday I go to Yale for a talk and on Wednesday I am already off to SESP conference in Philadelphia, where I see Bsweet and my parents. Greatly look forward to that, but when am I going to get all my work done?
I am going to sit outside and look at the stars, rather than writing and being boring about my work.

Tuesday, October 3d

I don't think I've worked so much in one day for ages. It was one of those days when you get up very early (at least for me 6.45 is early..) and know that you are not going to manage to do all you should (which was indeed true). By 2pm I had already so completely had it that I was so baffled by my statistics class that I could not even ask questions (save one pretty stupid one that indicated complete non-comprehension: how does this relate to the sem model. Answer: it does not, this is not about the sem model. Was actually an eye-opener for me as I realized I was following a class that was not only about sem, explained why I could not comprehend how the different topics we covered fitted together. Answer: they don't). So I run another experimental session, and again we looked whether my manipulations had worked (at 7.30 this evening... And the answer to that one was J's: "I have never seen such weird data in years, have you coded them correctly?" Why does this always happen to me? The other hour of our meeting this evening was spent looking at my presentation for tomorrow. The rest of the evening until now was prepared redoing my presentation for tomorrow. I have about 2.5 hours tomorrow morning before class to finish it. I do need to go to bed, but I can;t really relax yet.
This week I will not feel lonely: 2 people suggested different activities for this evening - both of which I had to postpone, and I was invited to a housewarming. It felt like being at home again, I suddenly got stressed because I have so many evenings out. NICE!!! So despite, or because of work 'stress' (not really, just lot to do) I feel really quite happy. I like the ideas in my presentation, it's exciting (now all we need is the ***? study to work.
Off to relax.

Sunday, October 1st

It's funny, I have not had this in a long time - it's real talk deprivation. I talk to a lot of people but there is a difference between talking and really talking, talking about how you feel, how the other feels, how the week has gone, how the past month has been and how life is in general. I have not done that for ages and it makes me unhappy (which I think is a shame, I should enjoy my time here, but this weekend I have really not felt very happy). There really is enough I can do, I could have gone to Amherst this weekend, I can let out the dogs, go shopping, take myself for a hike, work (which I should) or just read. And some of that I can even do with other people, so what's the problem? The real talk I guess, the being with someone who actually cares for you. T and D are spending a lot of time just the 2 of them and then I worry they have gone off me because I have been less fun these past 2 weeks (stress and having fun with me are not good combinations). ANd I need them, because, in a premature way (we don't know one another that well), they do care.
Anyway, what did I do today. I left for a hike in the pouring rain, absolute downpours. There were 7 of us prepared to endure the rain (well 2 were leading the tour). It was kind of American style, so they had walkie talkies (just to communicate to one another, the group being so big - not), a survival guide for if anything went wrong, they were in communication with another person who was more senior and walking in the same nature reserve (just a wood with a kliff in the middle), we were stopped and told we should drink every now and then so as not to get dehydrated etc., you get the jist of things. It was nice to go on a hike again but I think next time I organize my own. And then I got back late because the guides got lost and I had the football match to play in. SO I rushed home, changed and ran out the door again. Only to get to the university and not be allowed to play. As an affiliate member it seems I have to become a member of the gym. THe fact that I had already played in 2 matches 'illegally' did not matter, neither the fact that they admitted it was their mistake but that no I could not sign up at the gym right now, that was only possible during the week. I argued, I got angry, nothing helped. And this time it was not the liability issues, it was policy (unfair to all the other people who do pay membership... I could have punched him). So I stood watching my team lose for 40 minutes. We only lost because the defense was weak once, and if I had been there I would have been there. GRRRR. So that's the end of the soccer for the season. I could take part in a women's football team but I don't really think I would enjoy that very much. So I guess it's back to evenings at home again now.

Saturday, September 30th

Good sentence scrambling task yesterday evening - they are frequently used in social psychology. Mine left me with quite a headache followed by extreme nausea this morning. I don't even remember how many gin tonics I had, that is a bad sign. I did have a nice evening though, even if I suffered today (by not feeling like doing anything, except be outside in the fresh air - so I tried doing stats homework on the deck with my jacket on. Got stuck as usual but made some progress and eased my conscience a little - can't take a whole weekend off).
Trouble is I know I am going to become incredibly busy at some point very soon and that makes me nervous. I have to hand in an IRB with at least two studies in it by next week Tuesday and right now we are still discussing how to do the first, not to mention the other two. But to do the other two I need to have sorted out the first one, and I need to get the opportunity to ask J a pile of questions which are on a paper I take to every meeting and never get round to asking.
So all I did today was walk the dog for an hour and bike to the gas station because they had given me the wrong phone card. Exciting. Actually feeling just a bit lonesome here alone at home. I could have gone out this evening but both options meant driving at least 1 hour and that I did not feel like + I have a long day tomorrow. First I go on a 6 mile treck which starts at 9 am (the treck is actually rather short, don;t like that) and then we have our soccer match. It is a straight out system, don't win tomorrow and that's it for the season. They had very few women for tomorrow so I could not really say no, and my knee is a lot better. Putting ice on it helps.
So perhaps I'll go and get my stuff ready for that instead of wondering how I am going to get through what seems like a long evening.